


Give Yourself to Me

by speia



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Behavior, Abusive Relationship, Ageplay, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM, Blowjobs, Body Dysphoria, Bordeline Personality Disorder - BPD, Bordeline Tousei, Daddy Kink, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dom/sub, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, Fluff, Incest, M/M, Masochism, Masturbation, Mental Illness, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Porn With Plot, Rape/Non-con Elements, Roleplay, Sadism, Smut, So much angst, Social Anxiety, Threesome - F/M/M, depersonalisation, dont expect a happy ending, forced intercourse, idkkkk, long chapters, mental issues, pill taking, this is getting worse as the chapters go, this is so bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 14:05:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 37
Words: 62,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7937521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speia/pseuds/speia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tousei just entered the CCG and got quickly overwhelmed by his mental issues, especially in the presence of his superior Arima Kishou</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I fell in love with death itself

Nothing big, honestly. Nothing to brag about. He passed it, he passed the Academy and finally entered the CCG. He, Kishimoto Tousei, after years of hard work finally achieved his goal. And there he was, at the welcoming ceremony with all these people around. Too many people. Friends, families, acquaintances, CCG agents, ex agents, politicians. People. Everywhere. _It’s suffocating._ He felt cornered, overwhelmed by such presence, he had to exit the room, he had to breathe… _I can’t!_ The big guys were making welcoming speech after welcoming speech. He had to be there, he had to be present, it was his duty. _Even though if I left nobody would notice…_

“Hey you!” he heard a woman voice said “Are you okay? You look terrible.”

And terrible indeed he felt, his social anxiety being at its worst. The woman was a blonde, with a “MADO Akira” badge pinned onto her chest. Her rank was present too. Good, now an experimented CCG agent he was freaking out on his very first day. _And because of people, how will I react in front of ghouls?_ Since he didn’t answer her question, the woman led him outside, catching his arm in the firm grip of her hand. Once outside everything felt somehow better. He took a deep breath but still resisted the urge to flee the entire building by running.

“It’s okay” the woman said “It was the same for me on my first day. You know, my parents were both great investigators and I pressured myself too much. Don’t make the same mistakes as me. You’ll do great as long as you’re willing to. You can stay here for a while, this ceremony is basically only formalities you already know anyway.”

“Thank you” was all he could reply, letting out a pack of cigarettes before lightening one of them. It felt nice, almost like regaining some composure. _Almost like disappearing from here._ He got dragged away from his inner thoughts by a cold composed voice.

“This is a non-smoking area though.”

The voice belonged to a tall white-haired man wearing glasses, sat in a corner reading a book as if it were the right thing to do when on the inside a huge ceremony was performed. _Beautiful_ , was Tousei’s first thought as he smoked a little more. And he slapped himself mentally for that was truly an inappropriate thing to think when he was just being reminded he did something wrong. Again.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” he stammered, embarrassed as always when talking to someone he finds beautiful.

“Arima-san! What are you doing there?” the woman intervened in an angry tone “Matsuri is looking for you since ages, you still haven’t made your speech!”

“Oh…” the man’s voice sounded distant “So it’s my time already, I didn’t realize…”

“Matsuri is so angry already, Arima-san. This isn’t just another meeting you can skip, we’ve already told you that.”

“I’m going now, Akira.”

His voice sounded really cold, as if he were the owner of all things around here, as if he were some godlike creature. _And really really beautiful_ , Tousei thought again, hating himself a little more for already having fantasies on random people. The man stood up and got inside, followed by the woman in silence. Whoever “Arima-san” was, he was indeed very powerful. _And cold… And beautiful… And…_

‘You’re thirsty again’ whispered a familiar voice in his head ‘And for a _man_ , a man that could actually be so rough with you…’

_Stop it…_

‘Oh wait, isn’t it actually what you want? Him forcing his way into you with his big leaky…’

_Enough!_

He was shaking and when he tried to take another puff oh his cigarette he noticed it was all consumed. He hated his mind for reminding him how much of a horny creature he was. _Oh fuck…_ Great, now he was so on he had a boner.

 

 _It’s embarrassing_ … Once his cigarette finished, Tousei had no longer an excuse to stay outside so he came back in, surrounded by all these people again while trying to hide his… condition. He looked around for the toilets, hoping everything would go smooth and nobody would notice a thing but… Arima’s voice was filling the air, saying formal things as the others were just before. But it made him stop all the same, it made him look at the bespectacled man. Again. And he stared at him, intensely. So intensely if looks could burn Arima would have been turned to ashes. And his mind ran wild again.

‘His hand gripping your hair as he feeds you with his large…’

 _I can’t…_ Tousei felt at loss, completely dragged away from reality for all what he could think about was the man he stared at and…

‘How good he’d fuck you, right?’

 _Right._ He was staring too much, he was aware of it. And yet… _Why am I like this? Why can’t I just stop this silly train of thoughts?_

“Hey you, you don’t feel better, do you?”

The woman from before, Mado Akira, right. What could he answer? At least his eyes were off the man now.

“I’m sorry… I… Well, I’ve no excuse.”

“It’s okay, there’s nothing to apologize for. Nobody will notice it if you go home now, and if they do I’ll cover for you. What’s your name?”

“Kishimoto… Kishimoto Tousei…”

“That’s okay, Kishimoto-kun, just go home now. You look like you need some time.”

Tousei bowed as he thanked the lady and then headed towards the door. _Right, nobody notices it, I’m invisible._ Before going out he couldn’t help glancing again at Arima as the man was… not there anymore. He tried to find him amongst the people of the crowd but he couldn’t catch a glimpse of the white-haired man. Well he took it as a sign and got out to embrace the night’s fresh air.

 

It didn’t take him long to back to his apartment for he lived not far from the CCG office. The fresh air wasn’t enough to cool him down and he still felt like he was burning from the inside. He took off his shoes and went to drink a big glass of iced water.

‘You’re pathetic to be honest…’

_I know._

‘He only said you weren’t allowed to smoke there.’

_I know…_

‘So why are you like this?’

_I… You know I hate it too… My lack of control…_

‘If you got laid more often this wouldn’t happen.’

_But…_

‘You know it. You’ve ruined your first impression anyway. Towards that girl, Akira. And even towards Arima. You should forget about him.’

_What if I work with him?_

‘Forget it.’

_What if…?_

‘Forget it!’

_Right…_

Tears were forming at the corners of his eyes but this was the best thing to do. Such a man was too high to reach anyway and Tousei’s kinks and desires were obviously too… much for somebody like that to bare. And it was bad anyway, he would probably be his superior or something so… And he was a man, too. His mother reminded Tousei enough of it, men don’t fall in love with each other, men don’t fuck each other… _Right?_ He headed to the shower, undressing as he hoped this would calm him down. He turned on the water, making it very hot, so hot it stung him like a thousand of needles against his skin. He cried, his tears blending with the running water. He could feel his cock which had started to go soft become hard again under the experience of pain. _Aaah… fuck._ He took it in his right hand for he felt like this was the only way out.

‘Dirty creature…’

He chose not to answer as he kneeled down on his shower’s floor, stroking his cock as he spread his legs to put his own fingers in here, stretching himself, pushing deeper. He started to pant and moan, still crying as the figure of the very man he tried to forget flashed into his mind behind his closed eyelids.

“Arima-san…” he called, moving both his hand and fingers faster.

‘Go ahead, call for your fantasy. He’ll never love you the way you want, he’ll never care for you the way you want.’

“Ah… Arima-san!” he says louder to cover his inner voice as well.

‘Nobody will… You’re such a disappointment.’

“Ah… Ari…ma… mmm…”

‘Go ahead. Say his name. You know you’re not interested in him. You know you just want to be fucked, want to be loved, want to be taken care of. This won’t happen and you know why?’

“Arima! Arima! Arima! Ah… Ari…”

‘Because you picked the only one you can’t have. Again.’

“Arima…” he said one last time before coming under the water, before lying completely on the floor as the water fell on him again and again. He withdrew his fingers from himself, he felt very absent now… _You’re right, I’ve picked the one I can’t have once again._ He knew he should get up and wash himself. The room is so silent, too silent, with only the sound of the water flowing. _But please, I don’t want this to be too hard._

‘We just have to wait, this will pass. One day you’ll completely feel nothing for him. You know how this works, you know how you work.’

_True. A phase. Only another phase…_


	2. The Taste of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tousei came to know what death tastes like

Next morning, Tousei’s head was foggy but at least he was more or less ready to make a good impression this time. No more fleeing, no more social anxiety, no more awkward boner at the sight of a certain man. Walking his way to the CCG he could feel himself dissociating from reality. The world turned unreal, Tousei was dragged away. It was sudden, it was soft. It was nice.

‘So this is how you’re gonna deal with it? By fleeing reality itself?’

 _Better be absent from this world and doing nothing awkward than present and unable to restrain myself._ He entered the building, took the elevator, went to the desk he was shown. All in mechanics. Everything was good, everything was very good. His first job was easy though, reading some files, trying to find the ghoul’s hunting pattern. And his direct superior, Ihei Hairu, seemed to be a strong and clever girl, easy to work with. _And she is a member of the Arima squad…_ he added automatically.

‘And she has a crush on Arima as well and has better chances too.’

 _True that._ He couldn’t deny when Ihei-san and the others of the squad were talking that she was truly admiring Arima. It was hard not to think of him. He started to hate himself. Unable to focus on his work despite of his boss’s kind advice he got up to pour himself some coffee. Very black, very strong, with no sugar. The work was bearable so far but his mind… his mind wasn’t. _Warm arms around me, firm but caring. A kiss on the forehead. A whispered are you ok. Hands on mine. Face buried against my neck._

‘Stop… It’s no use.’

 _Lips on mine. Tongue. Mouth. Hands in my hair. Love. Love. Lo…_ He got dragged back into reality at the sight of fingers snapping in front of his eyes. Fingers that belonged to… He looked up. _Oh God make me vanish._

“Does it happen a lot?” Arima asked him in a composed tone, wearing such a poker face it seemed he was familiar with the situation.

“Sorry, sir?” Tousei says, lowering his eyes, embarrassed again for it was the second time something bad happened in the presence of the man.

“You weren’t there. You were dissociating. Don’t play dumb.”

The use of the medical term stroke Tousei all of a sudden. The man knew what he was talking about. It made Tousei feel more ashamed of his own behavior. Could he be an inspector if he was mentally ill? Could he have a future? Could he… _Eh._

“It depends, sir. But… I can work, sir! It won’t a problem!”

“I know you can, I also know you can be very good at what you do in this state. But… look at me.” Tousei obeyed for the tone Arima used left him no choice. “Well, in fact you’re still not here so this conversation is no use” the man says before making a move towards the exit.

“Don’t go!”

The plea had escaped Tousei’s mouth before he could actually realize it properly. It took him few seconds to add something more in order to correct himself.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

“You did mean that. Why?” Cold eyes were piercing through him.

“I… don’t actually know, sir.” _Bring me back. Do something._

“Why?” Arima’s voice sounded like miles away.

“I don’t know…” And his own didn’t feel like his own anymore. _Do something, touch me._

“I’m leaving then.”

“Don’t!”

A hand caught the great inspector’s jacket. Was it Tousei’s? Or someone else’s? Arima was pulled closer to Tousei by two arms. His arms? Was he hugging him? He couldn’t tell. Their lips connected and Tousei couldn’t say how it happened. There was tongue involved but all was too blurry to be even pleasured. When they parted, Tousei was dragged away, perhaps he took a few steps back from the inspector.

“Do you feel better now you’ve done that?” Arima’s voice sounded undisturbed.

Tousei looked for words in his mind but his only answer was cries, cries he couldn’t stop, silent cries running down his cheeks. When words came back to him, they were cruel and way too familiar.

‘Now you need to disappear.’

 

“This is only between us, I’ll tell nobody. Don’t worry about that.”

Arima’s very words kept echoing in Tousei’s mind. What should be kept secret, he wondered. It has been days, weeks since he had dissociated in front of Arima but couldn’t remember properly what went bad. He recalled seeing himself kissing awkwardly the man but this was too vague and unrealistic anyway. _I never would have dared to do so, even dissociated._ He knew it, this was only a figment of his imagination come to poison his reality. He knew it didn’t actually happen for Arima’s behavior had absolutely not change towards him. He was still… polite, distant. No sign of attraction, no sign of repulsion. If Tousei had kissed him, something would have changed. Even if Arima was such a composed man, there were things that couldn’t be hidden. Especially since, well Tousei hated to admit it but… he had his eyes on the great investigator as much as he could. Stealing glances when he was talking to Ihei-san for example. And they met again in that cafeteria, both alone like the previous time and Arima never mentioned it. _For it never happened to being with._

‘But are you sure, Tousei?’

_It’s been a month, he would have said something._

‘Maybe he found you so pathetic he let it go without daring to even think about it.’

 _No… He tried to help me, right?_ Or maybe the entire scene itself was a hallucination… Or a dream.

‘Maybe it was such a bad kiss he chose to erase it from his mind.’

_Shut up…_

‘Because you’ve kissed people only in your mind…’

_Shut up!_

‘Because you’ve got fucked only by your own hand’

 _Enough!_ He slammed his fist on the table so hard it made a loud noise. Lucky he was all alone in the room at this very moment, for Ihei-san had a meeting with the rest of the Arima squad and his colleagues… He didn’t remember and honestly didn’t want to. They were stupid, not understanding the simplicity of hunting pattern of most of ghouls and unable to move properly on the field. Tousei had been on the field only twice but he had managed to kill several minor ghouls anyway. Ihei was quite proud even if she told him he was exposing himself too much and could get wounded if the ghouls were actually stronger. She didn’t know about Tousei’s strong death wish, about him exposing so openly on purpose. Dying on duty sounded nice somehow. Thinking so he walked his way to the bathroom in order to put some water onto his face. Meeting his own reflection was almost scary for his was so pale with huge circles under his dark eyes.

‘No way Arima could be interested in such a zombie boy, honestly…’

He nodded in agreement as he passed a hand through his messy black hair and notice few of white here and there. _I stress too much already…_ He started running water and splashing some on his face when he heard the door opening and closing. He paid no mind, it was the restroom after all. So he startled when he looked back into the mirror, meeting the reflection of Arima’s cold look.

“Ah… sorry… Hello, Arima-san.”

“Are you okay?”

“Fine!” Tousei immediately answered, a little too joyful to be true, as he tried to head towards the exit but Arima got in his way. _Eh… what?_

“Why do you keep lying?” The white-haired man’s voice was almost reduced to a whisper.

It sounded so dangerous Tousei stepped back again and again. Until his back hit some wall. _Great job, silly._ He had cornered himself. _Like a big boy._ Arima took a step forward and Tousei’s heart missed a beat before running wild into his chest in expectation. Arima’s face was unreadable but Tousei saw the anger in his eyes. _Because I lied? I don’t… understand him._ He swallowed his saliva with difficulty.

“Why are you like this?” Arima asked and Tousei didn’t know what he was referring to. _I know I’m bad…_ The young man’s heart ran faster against his ribcage when Arima tilted his chin up to force him to look straight into his cold and piercing gaze. “At least you’re not dissociating.”

Tousei opened his mouth to answer but had no time to do so for he was pinned against the wall and Arima… kissed him. Put his lips on his. Forced his way in his mouth with his tongue. Tilted his chin a little more to have a better access. _Eeeeeh?!_ Tousei’s eyes widened with surprise before he closed them. Before he put both his hands on Arima’s torso. Before he tried to respond to this kiss but it was so rough and possessive he could barely do a thing. For once he was sure it was real. Arima tasted like coffee, his tongue was ravaging his in such an unforgettable way. Tousei moaned into Arima’s mouth as his superior pressed his entire body against his. Everything felt too hot. Everything felt too much. _It feels real… It’s real…_ He was afraid and at the same time very pleased. _So good…_ Arima broke the kiss, leaving a trail of saliva between them and Tousei could finally catch his breath.

“Arima-san… I…” Tousei immediately stopped when he met the other’s eyes. _He looks at me as if he was about to… kill me_. He was afraid, so afraid he wanted to run but Arima leaned down to kiss him again and press more of his body against Tousei’s. He was frightened when he felt Arima’s hard groin rubbing against his but still spread his legs to feel more. He felt so lost, caught between panic and a true desire to sense more. He clung onto the man but felt like crying too. _Why does it feel so… good and wrong at the same time?_ Before he could figure out an answer, Arima let go of him completely, detaching himself from him completely, leaving him panting, yearning for more and on the verge of crying.

“Arima-san?” he called. _Where did I go wrong?_

But the other didn’t dare to answer, neither did he look at him before leaving the room. Something broke in Tousei’s heart. _What was my mistake?_

 

_What was that?_

‘He just realized how disgusting you are.’

_I felt his… against my… He wants me, so why?_

‘No one wants you, he was stressed and used you as a relief.’

_Did he… really?_

‘Remember his eyes… looking at you as if you were…’

_Something to eat._

‘You said it yourself.’

_A piece of ass._

‘Exactly.’

_It hurts… Why did he stop, even if it’s only stress relief, why did he stop?_

‘I must have realized you’re a virgin to all this and didn’t want to take that path.’

_How could he know? I’m a boy…_

‘You must kiss like a virgin though’

_Oh… I…_

‘Don’t cry…’

_I can’t help it… I love him…_

‘You don’t, stop fooling yourself. You love the eventual attention he’ll give you.’

_I love HIM._

‘You don’t. You don’t know how to love.’

_This time I know…_

‘You said exactly the same thing the previous time, remember.’

_I wanna kiss him again._

‘This is no proof of love.’

_I wanna be hugged by him again._

‘This is no proof of love.’

_I always think of him._

‘This is no proof of love.’

_Leave me alone…_

‘You know how’

_You don’t mind?_

‘I need to rest a little bit…’

_Where is it?_

‘In your purse’

 

“Kishimoto-kun! Kishimoto-kun!”

“What’s happening?”

“I don’t know, he came back with a weird look on his face and now he’s starring in blank, he doesn’t even seem to see us.”

“We should get him to the nursery…”

“He frightens me, will he be okay? He was doing all fine, even on the field he was the best of us.”

“It’s not quite like Arima told me though…”

“What Arima told you, Ihei-san?”

“None of your concern… Go get a nurse, there’s nothing we can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry  
> English is not my mother tongue, thank you


	3. And death took me and made me his

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tousei had tried to escape from the awkward situation he had created. But what now there's no longer a way out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING /!\
> 
> This chapter contents:  
> \- strong depersonalization   
> \- dissociative episode  
> \- drugs abuse/pill taking  
> \- abusive behavior (on Arima's part)/ abuse  
> \- dubious consent (on Tousei's part) / forced intercourse   
> \- sadism / masochism   
> \- shameless smut (cf. the general tags for more details)
> 
> Tousei doesn't know what he wants but Arima does  
> It's kinda fluffy in the end  
> If you're uncomfortable, just don't read

Tousei woke up facing a white ceiling. Well, he did not actually wake up. He came back to his senses. _When did I…? Ah!_ Slowly he remembered. Arima, his touch, his lips, his body and his cruelty. How he left him. How it hurt. _I took a pill to ease the pain, I took several, I took too much._ Since he was lying in a bed, he should be at the nursery. His body is still heavy when he sat up and he had to put a hand on his forehead. _Can this pass for an anxiety attack? Or a dissociative crisis?_ When he looked around his eyes fell on… Arima, sitting on the chair next to his bed. Why him? Just… why? It was unfair. Ihei was his direct superior, not him.

“So, you’re awake finally. I told Hairu you were dissociating, I lied to her since you were not. It wasn’t dissociation you were completely out of the world. You better tell me what it is.”

“I…” Tousei started, swallowing down his saliva.

“Don’t lie.” Well, the tone of his voice left him no choice anyway.

“Drugs. Pills. I was hurting, okay?” Tousei quickly said, willing to get rid of this very quickly. But things became personal. He was still caught in medicinal bliss. “You hurt me there, you hurt me so bad, you can’t imagine… I had to forget it, I had to ease it. You don’t understand…”

“Is that so…” Arima crossed his legs “ _You_ were hurting, and _you_ felt bad because of _me_. That’s… ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous?!” Tousei exploded “You… kissed me! You touched me! And you left! You fucking left! You didn’t even tell me _why_!”

“Says the one who kissed me one month ago and then choose to completely forget about it, to act as if it never happened.”

Wait… did he… actually kiss… Arima? Wasn’t it all a dream, a fantasy, a fucking hallucination? _Did he feel something when I did it? Did it like it, my virgin tongue?_

“That wasn’t real…”

“Of course. Your staring at the ceremony wasn’t either. All the signs you send all the time aren’t either. Your glances aren’t either. I felt played with, Tousei. And no one plays with me…”

Wait… was Arima Kishou… in pain? Because of him? _He said my name._ Did he actually hurt from the kiss? _He said my first name._ Tousei was playing nervously with the blanket between his fingers, his eyes revered on it as if it were the most important thing in the room. _I must be careful though, he didn’t talk about feelings. He talked about a game. There are no feelings involved, right? It’s… just… sexual attraction then._

‘No one could ever love you, feel lucky you’re desired already.’

_I maybe will be fucked but I won’t be fooled._

“I’m not buying it, Arima-san. You showed nothing during that month either. You had several times to talk to me about it, to remind me what I did was real. I confuse my own dreams with my past too often so you should have…”

“Don’t be so selfish, this is not only about me. How was I supposed to know it since you kept it secret from everyone? Despite all people think I’m just human” Arima’s voice had gotten a little angry and he add between clinched teeth “This tires me.”

“I’m still not buying it.” _You won’t trick me with this._ But Tousei’s heart had melted somehow at the thought of the Reaper being tired of playing that role. At the thought of that man having feelings. Feelings for him.

“Oh right. You’re a stubborn one, this is heading nowhere again.”

The last thing he saw was Arima getting up and heading towards the exit. He lied down, ready to catch some sleep now he was alone.

 

He heard some noise at the door, whatever Arima was doing with it was disturbing him. Tousei wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep so he wouldn’t have to think about it all. He wanted to sleep so he wouldn’t have to go through so much pain. And to fight against Arima and everything he felt for him for it was all confused know. Was the man honest or was he playing with the boy’s feelings? Tousei was tired of having his feelings denied for what they truly were. There was finally silence in his room and Tousei let escape a sigh of relief. The he felt some heavy weight on his own bed, around his entire body. He opened quickly his eyes in fear. Arima was towering him with his body, his face was so cold and his eyes… lustful indeed. _Fuck…_

“Tousei…” Arima whispered very low. “Let’s finish at least what we both started here.”

“Eh?” what the only noise the boy was able to make at this very moment.

“Don’t act innocent, this is what you want” the white-haired man teased as he put a hand between Tousei’s legs, massaging him here through his fabrics.

“Ah!” the other screamed at the contact. His entire body started shaking, he could feel his face redden as well. Arima was serious here, he really wanted to… _Have sex with me._ The idea was terribly frightening and Tousei made erratic moves to push him away. But Arima’s grip down there got firmer and he pulled the boy into a closer embrace, leaning down to whisper in his ear “You won’t escape this, Tousei.”

“No… Please no.”

He was experiencing desire and panic. His voice was stammering. Of course he desired Arima but all this felt wrong. _I don’t want my first time to be loveless._ Tears were forming at the corner of his eyes as he moved Arima’s hand away from his groin.

“What’s wrong?” the great investigator whispered “Can’t handle the consequences of your own actions, now?”

He put his hand back where it was, massaging harder, as he kissed and sucked and bit Tousei’s neck greedily. It was obvious he could barely restrain himself. _I don’t want it like that…_ He started to undo the youngster’s shirt, after he removed his tie, and came to a success, dropping the piece of fabric on the floor despite all the pleas and moves Tousei could make. He kept the tie and used it to tie Tousei’s wrists up to the bedhead. _No, no, no, no, no!_ He gave him a peck on the lips as two tears rolled down the boy’s cheeks.

“Please, don’t… It’s my first time…” Tousei shyly confessed.

“I don’t care if I’m your first or your hundredth… But thanks for the warning anyway.”

Something was wrong with this entire situation. Tousei was afraid, indeed but the fact that Arima wanted him so much he was ready to tie him all up to have him was… terribly hot. This impression intensified as Arima gave him another kiss, but deeper, all teeth and tongue and then got him completely naked, his arousal exposed to full sight. He tried to hide it by crossing his legs but Arima put a hand on each of his thighs, spreading his legs even more. _Oh god…_ Tousei actually liked that. Fear was still present but he started wondering if it wasn’t the kind of fear everybody experiences on their first time.

“Do I have to take care of those disobedient legs, hmmm?” Arima teased as he put one of his fingers onto the head of Tousei’s cock “Or will you be good for now?”

“Oh!” Tousei let escape as he twitched his tied wrists “I’ll be good…”

_Why do I even answer that?_ _This is wrong I’m not supposed to enjoy it like this._ Arima stroked his length with his fingers, up and down and up and down. Tousei’s body arched up, his fear all gone for all he could think about now was Arima’s hand and how good it felt. When Arima took it finally in a grip, he mewled.

“Ah… Arima-san…” he flung back his head in pleasure as he was being pumped hard.

“Do you still not want me to fuck you, hmmm?”

Arima was good at that. Really. His hand job was just right and with his other hand he was undressing himself, putting on a show. Tousei bit his lower lip and make a move to touch his well-built torso but… he was reminded how he was restrained by a slow burn at his wrists. _Oh fuck…_ Arima noticed his tentative though and went for more teasing.

“Be a good boy, Tousei. And I’ll let you touch me as well.”

“Yes, daddy.”

He realized what he had just said by the second everything stopped. Arima had stopped moving with one hand still around Tousei’s hard cock and the other on the last button of his shirt. His face was stoic as always and the boy was too afraid to look in the eyes.

“What did you just say?” Arima finally said after what seemed to be forever.

“I’m sorry, I slipped, I…”

“Say it again.”

“I’m sorry!”

“Not that, Tousei.”

_This is so wrong._ His heart was beating too fast. He couldn’t think straight. He cursed himself for having read so much of dirty homo porn late at night. He cursed himself for being turned on by it… He cursed himself but everything was feeling too hot.

“Daddy?” he whispered with a shy tone.

“Good boy” Arima answered as he went back touching him faster and finished to remove his shirt.

Arima was beautiful, indeed. His muscles were perfect after years of training and battle. If only… _If only I could just touch him…_ Only moans were escaping his mouth now, he couldn’t make a sentence, he couldn’t even say a word properly. He was close, all his body tensed up as he grabbed two bars of the bedhead in his fists. His toes curled as he came all over his own stomach. All over Arima’s hand too, he realized afterwards when through his bliss fingers were put inside of his mouth. He licked them greedily, washing off the semen, tasting himself. Arima freed his hands and Tousei couldn’t help himself putting them on the man’s naked skin. _Oh… fuck… This is…_ He couldn’t appreciate it for long though…

“Go on your four” Arima commanded as he withdrew his fingers from his mouth.

Tousei had a moment of hesitation. When he understood where this was going the fear that seemed to be gone came back in a strong wave. _Not that too…_ He looked at Arima with pleading eyes. _Can’t we just touch each other a bit? It’s my first ti…_ He couldn’t even finish his own thought as he was flipped over onto the bed, lying on his stomach, his ass raised up as Arima started to put a finger on his hole, teasing his way in.

“Why so disobedient, Tousei?” he asks as his first finger went easily inside “Well, that’s somehow loose, boy. Someone has been naughty, hmmm?”

“So-Sorry… Mmm”

It didn’t hurt. Neither did the second and third fingers. Neither did the stretching Arima was giving him. He was half hard again, panting and moaning. Arima was in a rush, he didn’t play with his ass for too long, already pulling his fingers out after few seconds. Tousei was disappointed, looking back behind his shoulder to look at the older man. He saw he was undoing his pants, pulling out his cock which was… Tousei’s eyes widened.

“Daddy, this won’t fit. I can’t…”

“You can just right” he cut him, positioning the head if his cock against Tousei’s twitching hole “You’ll make it fit.”

“I can’t do that!” Tousei almost screamed, panicked. “I can’t do that, it’ll hurt me, I can’t…”

He received a slap before his head was completely pressed against the fabric of the bed by one of Arima’s hand.

“Shut up. Don’t move.”

Tousei chose to obey, even if he didn’t have the choice. The following second Arima pushed himself deep inside him, getting all his length inside. The boy under him let escape a sound of pain. At his very surprise, pain turned the younger on for he was now hard as a rock.

“It hurts… It hurts so bad…”

“It’s all in, Tousei. You’ll get used to that.”

Arima wasn’t moving to let Tousei adjust to his size, his hand still pressing the boy’s head down. It was hardly bearable to him, to be buried in such a warm hole, not moving…

“Put it out…” Tousei cried “Put it out, daddy. You’re hurting me.”

“I’m moving, now.”

He did as he said, giving slow thrusts into Tousei’s ass. The boy sobbed from the pain and moaned from the pleasure and… _Why do I want some more? It hurts… It really hurts and still…_ After few thrusts, Arima started to go faster and faster until he reached such a pace he was literally slamming his cock in and out of Tousei when the so-called boy couldn’t keep his screams for himself. _It hurts like hell. And I don’t want it to stop._

“Ah… daddy! Daddy, I…”

“See, you’re taking it so well.”

“Daddy, it hurts. It hurts so good. Aaaah! More!”

Tousei gripped so hard at the sheets of the bed his knuckles turned white as Arima satisfied his command by going harder on him, as he firmly caught his hair and his thigh to hit his prostate at the right angle. Tousei made confused sounds when Arima found his sweet point.

“Daddy… I’m gonna…”

“Come. Come for your daddy, Tousei. Show daddy how much you love him.”

He needed no more. _Fuck why do I…_ He spread white seed all over the sheets once again, feeling Arima fucking him through his orgasm, feeling himself clenching around this so big cock. The great investigator wasn’t long to follow, overwhelming Tousei’s ass with his cum, too much the boy could feel some drip from him already. Arima’s grip on him was so strong in this final moment it would probably leave marks on his neck and hip. _For what I care…_ Once they were both done, Arima withdrew quickly to lie on his back, panting. Tousei looked at him through his postcoital bliss and found him even more beautiful now he was breaking out a sweat, his eyes closed, his hair messy. He kissed him softly and it surprised him when Arima let him take the lead on this one.

“Come here” Arima said when they parted, opening his arms “Have some rest, you must be exhausted.”

There was no need to say it twice, Tousei immediately curled up against his chest. Arima covered them both with the blanket, as he watched Tousei quickly fall asleep on him. Once he was sure the boy was completely asleep, he gave him a caring kiss on the forehead.

“I love you” he whispered as he was sure nobody could hear it.


	4. Giving up on myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart said yes, his head said no

         Tousei woke up in the middle of the night surrounded by such an unusual warmth. At first he was confused for he couldn’t recognize his surroundings. After few seconds he recalled everything. He smiled at the thought as he felt Arima breathing under him, his chest slowly going up and down. _He’s asleep._ Tousei was kept in such a firm embrace he could barely move and of he’d get up it’d inevitably wake up the man. _As if he were afraid I could leave…_ Tousei looked up at his face. The Reaper’s beauty was a blessing. He still had his glasses on for he probably fell asleep before he could take them off, and his lips were half-open… _Begging to be kissed_. Tousei detached himself a little from the man, carefully, making sure not to disturb him in his sleep. _It’s still early in the morning, for sure._ He tried to raise himself on his arms but he was hurting… everywhere, every muscle of his body was in pain. And it felt like something was leaking out of his ass as well. He sighed as he took back his former position, burying his face in the crook of Arima’s neck, sighing for he was happy this was real.

‘What’s that stupid smile for? Don’t tell me you’re _in love_?”

_But I am._

‘You’re hurting yourself. You’ve picked the wrong man to care about…’

_Don’t be silly, we just have to get to know each other a little more but I feel like we…_

‘He forced himself on you.’

_What? No! I had pleasure in it…_

‘How many times did you say no to him? How many times did he doge your lungs to do what he wanted to you? How many times did you say to him that hurt?’

_That hurt… In a good way. I had pleasure in that._

‘Why are you trying to convince yourself? This man almost raped you.’

_No, I wanted it._

‘So bad you cried when he was inside you, you wanted him out, right?’

_No. And I came. Twice._

‘Human bodies have sometimes weird reactions, you know. Hanged men died with a hard on because being choked makes them hard.’

_Eh?_

‘I mean, your orgasm isn’t everything. You were in pain, physically and emotionally, you were abused, forced to go where you didn’t want to. I don’t see pleasure in that.’

_I had pleasure, I felt pleasure._

‘Forced pleasure.’

_Still pleasure._

‘And his words? What he said showed no respect for your virgin body.’

_I didn’t know the pleasure behind the pain. He was leading me there._

‘Really? He didn’t care about you, he just wanted to put it in your ass. He’s making a toy of you, so he could fuck you everywhere he wants. Anytime he wants.’

_That’s not it…_

‘You’re nothing but a hole…’

_Enough!_

“Tousei…”

‘You’re nothing but a _whore_ , a _fag_.’

_Cut the crap!_

“Tousei!”

The voice was stopped by a hand on his face, cupping his cheek gently. Arima’s hand. He took him some time to realize he was in fact he was crying and clinging on the man so hard it should hurt him. He was staring in blank, unable to do something. _Here I go, destroying all the good moments with silly thinking…_ Arima took him in a soft embrace, wrapping both his arms around him to pull him closer, giving him a peck on the cheek and slowly running fingers through his hair.

“I’m here, Tousei. You’ll be fine.”

“I hurt… inside… I… I…”

“You’ll be fine.”

Tousei erratically went for Arima’s lips, crushing his mouth against his, started to kiss him in a mess of tongue and saliva when Arima moved him away from his face quickly.

“No, Tousei… Talk to me.”

“I just… hurt…”

“If you don’t talk, I can’t help you. I’m not god.”

_And if I talk, what will you think of me?_ Tousei started to shove himself out of the man’s arms for it was too painful to bear. Surprised, Arima reached out a hand to touch him but he got deflected by Tousei’s angry hand.

“Enough…” the boy said in a cold tone “Let’s not play pretending now. We have _finished what we both started_ , right? So let’s keep at it.”

Arima didn’t answer to those incisive words. Not knowing what to do, Tousei chose to get up. Since Arima wasn’t restraining him anymore, it was somehow easy. Unless his entire body ached, especially his hips and… back… He put on his clothes in the quickest way he could as he sensed Arima’s cold eyes on him. _Don’t look at me._ Tousei wasn’t proud of himself but if the man was indeed fooling him now he was… safe, right? _And if he’s not then I’m the ultimate asshole._ After what it seemed to him a life time, he finally was dressed and headed towards the door. Though he hurt so bad he was pretty sure he was walking weird. He didn’t dare to look back at Arima before leaving. Once he had left, Arima pulled out Tousei’s tie from behind the pillow, for one of its end was still attached to the bedhead. He took it off and kept it in his hand for a while, staring in blank, trying to recover from Tousei’s harsh words. He couldn’t mean them, he was protecting himself and by extent not allowing himself to be loved. That was sad indeed. Arima wondered about ways to make the boy feel his love. He had few ideas but they would embarrass him for sure. Well, the boy had hurt him again, he could take revenge by embarrassing him a bit.

“Tousei…” he whispered as he played with the fabric between his fingers “Why do you make it so hard for me?”

 

_This day is just shit already._ Despite the few minutes of joy he had when he woke up in Arima’s arms, his realization about how he was actually tricked by the man and the way he pushed him away had ruined it. On top of that, since he had spent the night at the nursery, he hadn’t got home so now he had to endure the nasty remarks about him wearing the same clothes as yesterday and his tie that had gone lost “somewhere”. _On the bedhead._ And since he couldn’t really sit either… It was hard to hide what he did last night. _At least I’m able to hide with whom it happened._ Nobody would believe him anyway. Arima and Tousei had few public interactions, and they were really formal. In fact, despite the crazy yesterday (and the awkward kiss one month ago, since it seemed to be real…) they had no private interactions as well. _How has he become attracted to such an ugly boy, I wonder._

‘He picked you because your entire body was screaming for his cock.’

_Right…_ As he had chosen to work up by the window, he took a look outside. _So yearning I was willing to endure all the pain and to turn it into pleasure._

“Hello, Kishimoto-kun!”

“Ihei-san…”

“You’re early. Did you forget I have an appointment with the Arima squad before working on our case?”

“No, I just decided to come early today.”

“Funny, Arima-san told me the same. It’s rare to run into him near the coffee machine, usually.”

_Funny, for me it happened several times already. Did he… wait for me to be there?_

“Well, Kishimoto-kun, we’ll need the room here so don’t you mind going in the waiting room? And please take a seat there you make me nervous.”

_Haha I cannot._ He opened his mouth to answer but was cut by Arima’s entrance, followed by the rest of the squad. _Right I can’t avoid him either._

“Hairu, can we…? Ah, Tousei, good you’re here.”

The man looked like nothing happen, acted like nothing happen. _Unless he used my first name in public._

“You forgot this, yesterday. I think you might need that” the white-haired man added as he put Tousei’s tie in Tousei’s hand, giving an intense glance at his tieless outfit.

_Eh… what the fuck?_ Tousei blushed hard at the lewd act it implied. _Why is he doing that?_ He couldn’t deny that was his for he has no tie on. But he couldn’t let that happen either. He had to say something to make sure the others understand they hadn’t slept together. _But we did… And it felt really good inside of me._

“What’s the matter?” Arima asked as he saw Tousei’s confused face “You haven’t told them already?”

_I don’t like where this is going. Say something, Tousei. Deny!_

“Tell us what?” Ihei’s voice was cold and tinged with jealousy.

“Tousei and I decided to make our relationship official.” _Eh? What relationship? We just… And only once._ “We’re tired of hiding it, right Tousei?”

“R-right…” _Why do I say that? Why don’t I deny it?_

“So that’s why you glance at each other so much when you’re together in the same room, I was wondering.” Ihei had never been so cold.

_Wait, Arima also glanced at… me?_

‘At your ass, not at you.’

“Well… I let you work, okay?” the boy said in an awkward tone before heading to the door.

“Tousei…” Arima grabbed him by the arm, making him look at him straight in the eyes. _How many times has he said my name already today?_ “Wait in my office, there’s a couch there, you’ll be more at ease” he whispered in the boy’s ear.

“But…” he was cut by Arima putting some key in his hand. “O-Okay I’ll be there.”

Tousei’s heart was racing as he were allowed to enter some special place. _The key to his heart._ What a naïve thought.

 

This was the very first time Tousei entered Arima’s office. As expected, it was tidy, quite deprived of personality. Except for the huge bookshelf against one of the wall. He took a curious look at it. _Kafka, Poe… even Auster is there._ He grabbed one and started to flip the pages. He didn’t know Arima was the type to read. He didn’t know they had similar tastes in literature. He brought the book with him and went to the couch, he lied there on his stomach and started reading. He read and read and read, without even noticing time was passing by. He was brought back to reality when he heard the door opening and saw Arima coming in. He looked surprised to see Tousei reading one of his book.

“Sorry, I actually love this one” the boy started to explain before the white-haired man could ever ask anything.

“It’s one of my favorite as well. I didn’t know you like reading.”

They started discussing the book, the plot, the characters, the author’s way of putting their stories together. They discussed other books, they discussed plenty of things. For the first time, Tousei realized Arima and him actually have things in common. _I should be angry with him. For what he said, to Ihei-san and the others. For the rumors probably spreading about the two of us. I should be… but I’m not._ Tousei realized it was pretty late suddenly and remembered he hadn’t worked all day. He didn’t feel guilty though, he thought as he took another look at Arima.


	5. Such an ugly creature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains abuse and shameless smut. (See the global tagging for details)

        Days passed like that. Tousei did his job and took every lunch break he had with Arima, in his office, to discuss books and things they liked. It should be enough to make the others actually think they were having some kind of relationship even if nothing truly happened since the day they had… sex. Well, Arima often stole kisses from him or put his hand on Tousei’s on several occasions but he never tried again to… do more. Tousei’s heart clinched every time he touched him a bit but every time he made him understand that was a no. Maybe Arima would grow tired of it and moved on so they could be… friends, perhaps.

“Twenty-four days, Tousei.”

“I’m sorry, sir?”

“Twenty-four days since we had sex. Twenty-four days since you told me clearly not to be too intimate with you. Twenty-four days you’re coming to this very office every single day. Twenty-four days you drive me crazy.”

“You kissed me on all of those days.”

“I could kiss you until my very end and it wouldn’t be enough if a part of you is still refusing me. You think no and act like yes. You make me mad.”

_Well, he didn’t seem mad though, he’s still composed as always._

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not. So I won’t be.”

Tousei tried to figure out what he was talking about when he was pulled in in a kiss. A rough and possessive kiss. That felt somehow familiar.

‘You’ll let him force himself on you again, won’t you?’

Tousei’s back hit the wall for Arima pushed him against it, in a violent way, his tongue ravaging his mouth. Tousei made no move, not pushing him away, not allowing him in. _He’s going to take me the way he wants all the same, that doesn’t matter._ Arima took Tousei’s right hand and put it between his legs to make him feel how hard he was. The boy blushed at the contact, for it was the first he actually touched some man’s parts. Even through the fabric.

“Touch me, Tousei.”

It was a command, it sounded like that. He obeyed, putting his hand where Arima wanted it to be, feeling his own cock becoming hard as he was touching the man intimately. Tousei rubbed his thumb against the budge in Arima’s pants at a slow pace to begin with and then going faster. _Why am I aroused again? This is abuse, right?_

‘Right, it is.’

“Undo my belt, Tousei. Touch me with your hand.”

He did as asked, pulling Arima’s cock out and then starting to pump it slowly and then fast, trying to find back the pattern he found when he was touching himself. _Under the shower, moaning your name._ The man kissed him again, tilting his head to have full access to his mouth and throat as he grabbed Tousei’s butt with his free hand. _Ah of course…_ Arima broke the kiss to look at him with the eyes of a murderer. _I never know if he wants to kill or fuck me, maybe both._

“Take it in your mouth.”

Understanding the command, Tousei’s heart skipped a beat. _But I…_ Either he didn’t want to or never had done this before ever mattered anyway. He chose to obey right away, kneeling down. But when it came to the time he had to actually do it he stopped. _I don’t know how we do this. Should I just put it in my mouth or…?_ Fingers came to tilt his chin.

“Open your mouth, I’ll do it myself.”

Tousei was somehow relieved Arima chose that option in the end. _Even if it’s indeed more abusive._ He opened wide as the man guided his cock in. Tousei tasted flesh and precum on his tongue and it made him… shiver, and hard… like really hard… so hard he thought he was about to burst in his pants. _Why?_ Arima pulled out, pushed in, several times. Then he tried to take all his length inside Tousei’s mouth. _Wait this won’t…_ He was choking, trying hard not to gag on it as tears were forming at the corners of his eyes. _That’s not a bad way to die…_ he thought, but Arima took it out. Before he could understand what the hell was actually happening he was brought back on his feet, his head facing the wall. Arima’s hands were on his belt, then on his zippers, on his boxers, on his…

“Aaaah…”

“Spread your legs.”

“I’m not prepared, daddy.”

“Too bad, I hope you’ve touched yourself quite enough then.”

He finished his sentence pushing himself into the boy who let escape a loud moan. It hurt less than the previous time but still… _This is too big inside of me._ Arima moved fast, ravaging the boy’s neck by kissing and licking and biting it.

“Daddy…” Tousei moaned as his hands were scratching at the wall, trying to find something to grip on “Harder… daddy…”

“Tousei… I…” Arima’s voice was cut by his own grunts as he started to touch Tousei’s cock as well, thrusting harder and faster under the boy’s command. “I… Mmmp…”

“Yes, daddy?”

“I love you…”

“Ah!” Tousei cried as his prostate was being violated by the big cock inside of him. _Did he really…?_  He couldn’t think straight.

“I love you” Arima repeated between moans he slammed his cock again and again in Tousei, until he felt the boy come and himself as well. Tousei fell on his knees again when everything was over, his ass leaking with come, still under the chock of the very words he had heard. _I love you. I love you._ It echoed in his mind.

‘This is a lie.’

 _I love you. I love you._ He felt like crying again and buried his face in his hands. _I love you. I love you._ He was shaking, couldn’t tell if it was because of his orgasm or cries. _I love you. I love you._ He felt a hand on his shoulder, coming to comfort him.

“But I’m so ugly…” Tousei let finally come out in a broken voice.

 

“Ugly?” Arima knelt down next to him, cupping his face in both his hands. Tousei noticed through his tears he had put his pants on already. _Why do you stay now you’re done? To tell me more lies?_

‘He’ll lie to you so good next time you’ll kneel down and suck him dry all by yourself, like a big boy.’

“Tousei, you’re beautiful…” he heard the man whisper near his ear.

Hands started to undress him. _Arima… why?_ His tie fell on the floor, followed by his shirt, the rest of his pants and boxers which were already half-way off. Everything. He was completely naked and Arima was looking at him. This somehow didn’t feel like something made out of sexual desire. _He doesn’t have this murderous look… He’s just looking._

‘Looking at his brand new toy.’

Arima started to touch him, not to arouse him though. He massaged Tousei’s skin in circles, it felt good… _I feel like this body is my own._ Usually the reminder Tousei had was pain, even pleasure felt distant. But this… this felt like being put together by God’s hands. He got closer to the man as Arima massaged him more firmly. Then put one hand on his face, travelling his fingers on his forehead, his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, his mouth, his chin… His neck. Making Tousei felt every inch of his own skin.

“Every part of you is beautiful…”

The white-haired man went on, rubbing Tousei’s head skin through his black hair. And he kissed him, softly, slowly. First lips and then tongue, taking his time, making him feel… _Please never stop._ Tousei pulled closer, curled up against the man’s clothed chest, gripping on the fabric, tears still escaping his eyes sometimes when it felt too… nice. _What is that feeling? It’s so soft. It hurts._

‘He lies to you so good next time you’ll be the one shoving his massive cock inside of your ass.’

He kissed Arima more in despair as tears flooded his cheeks again and he could feel himself trembling. Arima made them part to look at him in the eye and he could see Tousei was at war inside of his head.

“You’re so beautiful, Tousei. Even your insecurity, even your mental illness, whatever this is… I love them all. I love _you_ …”

Arima looked at him straight in the eyes when he said that and Tousei felt his heart flutter. He cried more, unable to tell if it was from pain or joy. _Maybe both…_ He wrapped his arms around Arima as he put his face against his shoulder, sobbing. _Like a child._ He felt firm arms around his naked shaking body and it somehow comforted him. _Like a father would._

‘Father? Oh god you’re so twisted… So the daddy thing wasn’t just a turn on hmmm? You wanna get fucked by your father too?’

_Stop deforming my own thoughts, I’ve never said that. He’s just… like a father, now._

‘A father that touches your naked body…’

_It’s not like that…_

‘A father that fucked you up the ass…’

_Can you just stop it now?_

‘A father that…’

“Don’t listen to what they say, Tousei. They’re wrong.” Arima was leaning against the wall, drawing the boy closer to him, putting him in a better position against his chest. “They are the ones who destroy your happiness.”

“They’ve protected me before…” Tousei sobbed in reply.

“Perhaps but now they do you harm, I can tell. What do they say?”

“That… you… I…” the boy hesitated, playing nervously with Arima’s clothes between his fingers.

“You can tell me, I can hear anything. I know it’s not pretty or you wouldn’t be in such pain” Arima took his fidgeting hand in his as he talked, entwining their fingers together.

“Something… about you… being my surrogate father…” Tousei shyly began before he let it all out “Something about you having no feelings for me. Something about you toying me to fuck me better… Oh I am so so sorry, Arima-san…” Tousei burst into tears.

“Kishou. My first name is Kishou. Say it.”

“Kishou…?” Tousei’s voice was wet with cries.

“Great, Tousei. So I just have to prove these voices wrong, right?”

“How?”

“This is my concern, Tousei. Just focus on what I give you, on what you feel. Just focus on what feels good.”

They kissed after, again, softly and sweetly. _Kishou…_ His words sounded almost like this thing Tousei had lost back in the days. Almost like hope. _Please, save me from myself._

 

It was rare for Arima to smoke but he usually did that when he had some big decision to make. It helped him to think things up. And since Tousei was smoking every day in his office (Arima allowed him to despite all the CCG’s strict rules about it) he felt like having one himself. Especially after yesterday. He lit the cigarette and inhaled some smoke. The sensation inside his lungs made him nostalgic. _It has been a while since my last one._ Tousei’s love for Arima seemed obvious, he broke out of panic after Arima’s confession. _He loves and is loved and this is probably the first time someone reciprocates his feelings_. The boy had a complicated relationship with his family, his parents both being truly homophobic he probably never told them he liked men. And ended up never telling a man his feelings when they occurred. _He never told me a single I love you._ Arima wasn’t the type of lover who wanted to be said he was loved all the time and he wouldn’t have endured a partner showing his love in an excessive way but from Tousei he received nothing. Only that first awkward kiss and Tousei was dissociating. Tousei dissociated a lot in his office as well but went back to his senses every time Arima kissed him or touched his hand. _He came back to push me away._ No big crisis like that time but it was often that the boy was only half here. _But that’s not an excuse for not answering my confession._ Arima didn’t like that. He knew for sure Tousei wasn’t playing with his feelings only to get laid for he refused at first to actually have sex but still… Arima felt abusive every time he kissed him or pulled him against his chest. _I don’t want to lead him to a relationship he doesn’t want._ He knew he was rough when it came to sex but this was a kink, not the base of a relationship. _And Tousei asked for more the second time we did it._ Well, he thought about this too much and had smoked two cigarettes already. _But I still haven’t found a way to make him say he loves me._


	6. Falling inside the black

Things hadn’t changed and were back to normal. Everyday Tousei did his job and showed up in Arima’s office. He received his daily kiss there and something had changed about that though for Arima’s kisses seemed… kinder, now. Less possessive, more caring. _And he keeps whispering he loves me a thousand time a day…_ In a global way, the atmosphere was quite the same at work, despite people were now whispering when he was walking down the hallways and Ihei-san was cold towards him. Tousei knew she had a crush on the man and was obviously jealous of him. A lot of people inside the CCG were actually jealous of him. Arima was such an ideal man everyone wanted to be intimate with. And it took Tousei a few months only to have him. _I don’t have him though… He has me._ Tousei was smoking by the window when his superior got in the room with today’s mission in her hand.

“Good morning, Kishimoto-kun. Today we go on the field.”

“Hello, Ihei-san. Glad to hear it, I’ve missed that.”

“For the record, you’re not allowed to smoke there. I know Arima-san lets you do almost whatever you want here but this is my office.”

“I’m sorry, Ihei-san, I’ll go downstairs next time. Who’s our target today?”

“She calls herself Alice and wears a little girl mask with a blonde wig. Rinkaku type. A ranked. She only eats the hearts after cutting her victims’ head.”

“Sounds like a Lewis Carroll fan, a literature student perhaps? Any idea about her age?”

“Eighteen, maybe twenty. Not much more. We’ve located three potential targets. The first one is a waitress in some café where you can also read books. The second is a model who seems to have developed a… peculiar fashion sense…”

“ _Alice in Wonderland_ is loved by gothic and morbid people, that’s right.”

“Exactly, and she had make herself the Cheshire Cat’s eyes tattooed on her left forearm recently. And for the third one, your intuition Kishimoto-kun, an English literature student who also posts gore art on a blog online.”

“Of course, all live near the crime scenes etc etc…”

“The biggest part of the research had been done already by Koori-san and myself. According to our math, the ghoul must go out hunting today so basically we just need to watch our three targets for twenty-four hours. I’ve made the team matches already.”

“Which are?”

“Koori-san and Taki-kun take the model, Suzuya-san and Fujisaki-kun, you know the new girl…”

“Oh right, she seems nice. I hope she’ll be alright on her first mission.”

“Mhmm, they have the model. You go with me, Kishimoto-kun.”

“For the literature student…”

“Get your things ready, we’re leaving now.”

“But… it’s almost lunchtime and…”

“Oh right, that means Arima-san will have to eat by himself today, that’s sad really.”

“Ihei-san?”

“What again? Ghouls don’t wait, you know.”

“Can I at least see him before I go?”

“Oh god, yes go but make it quick. No sex… mmm?”

Tousei blushed before thanking the girl as he went to Arima’s office as soon as he could. He came in without knocking and found Arima doing no work, just calmly reading a book on his couch and… smoking? _Since when?_

“Hey there…”

“Tousei, you’re early.”

“Actually I’ve to go on the field today so I’ve come to inform you I can’t have lunch with you today, sorry.”

“It’s okay… It’s not your fault anyway. Please be safe on your mission.”

Arima closed his book and got up, smoking the remaining of his cigarette in the process before turning the fag off in the ashtray. Then he took Tousei in his arms and kissed him softly on the lips. The boy pushed back, deepening the kiss, tasting the man and his coffee flavor and… burnt tobacco. _Wow that’s good on him too._

“Since when do you smoke, you?” Tousei asked when they parted, touching his white hair.

“I used too was I was a teenager. I had quitted but I’m back on it now… The smell reminds me of you, makes me feel less lonely here.”

“Stu… stupid!” Tousei replied before heading to the door, Arima’s hands still in his. “Sorry I must go, Ihei-san is waiting.”

“Don’t make her wait too much. And be safe there.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Tousei started to loosen his grip to let go off of Arima’s hand.

“Tousei?” The man’s grip though had become firmer.

“Mhmm?”

“I love you.”

Then he let go off Tousei’s hand as the boy went out of the room in a rush, his heart pounding too fast, his legs shaking. _Kishou…_ _I love you too._ But those words were only said in his mind.

 

A flash before his eyes. An unreal scene. The literature student looking around with those typical black and red ghoul’s eyes. Her moves were fluid and gracious, she hadn’t her mask or her wig on now she was discovered. Tousei knew what he technically had to do, he had done this several times before on other missions. But now everything was tinged with this nice filter of unreality. But now Tousei had lost his own body. He was experiencing a strong dissociative episode. _It’s not real, she’s not real. I’m not real._ He felt like his body was piloted by someone else and the world around him was intensely moving up and down, right and left. Ihei-san seemed to have realized nothing, helping Tousei to corner the ghoul. For Tousei was moving well in this state, even a little better than when he was in control. He was completely careless. _This body isn’t mine…_ It was easy, especially with Ihei who was one of the best CCG agents. Tousei made his quinque swirl – or the quinque swirled in his hands by itself – and was about to strike the final blow when…

“Kishimoto-kun! Watch out!”

The shout sounded miles away. And Tousei’s body stopped moving forward in a second. _What? Oh… it’s broken…_ He looked down and saw a kagune piercing his left side, saw blood dripping from the wound and forming a pool on the floor. _I’m broken… already?_ He didn’t feel pain, he didn’t feel anything, not even when the ghoul withdrew her kagune from his insides, causing him more damage. He fell on his knees, unable to stand anymore. Looking up he saw the kagune coming at him to strike again. His eyelids were closing by themselves, everything was becoming dark around him. _Ah I see… Tousei, take a bow… End of the show…_ The only thing he can see was Ihei’s figure before him. And then his eyes closed. _Time to go back to sleep._

 

When Tousei woke up from his nightmare his eyelids were abnormally heavy. _Didn’t I sleep enough?_ Everything was blurred, even his mind and he couldn’t really feel his body but… there was an annoying sound, honestly. Beep beep beep beep. Very regular. A new alarm? When did he change it? And why? This is so annoying. He tried to lift his left arm to turn that shit off but… pain went through his left side. Huge pain. He put back his arm on the bed. _What did I do again?_ He used his left hand to touch him where it was painful, still feeling very light and his body non-existent. He felt his left side was entirely stripped and very sensitive at the touch. _I don’t remember…_ A look at his right arm made him realize he was also transfused blood. _Wow… another nightmare, right?_ He tried to lift himself up but his body seemed heavy even if he felt it light and floating. _Am I still dreaming? Or is this reality?_

“Ihei-san! He’s waking up!”

“Kishimoto-kun!”

He saw the woman’s face above him, a frighten look on her face, she was almost… crying. _Eh what’s the big stuff?_ His colleagues were here too, giving him a relieved look.

“Kishimoto-kun! Can you hear me? How do you feel?”

“Unreal…” His voice was terribly hoarse.

“Of course! That went crazy out there! The ghoul proved herself to be stronger than we thought… I killed her but honestly she was more like a SS rank in the end.”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry, Kishimoto-kun! It was my fault, a leader is supposed to take care of his subordinates. I’ve failed you. I should have remembered your guard is too open and you’re way too exposed in battle. I could have got you killed.”

“Dead…?”

“Yes, the ghoul is dead, she killed nobody else. Don’t worry.”

“Me…?”

“You’ll pull through, the doctors are very optimistic. No vital organ has been touched, you just have lost a lot of blood. You’ll be back on your feet in weeks, don’t worry.”

_I’ve been so close to death and it feels like… ashes in my mouth. Why am I so disappointed? I should be panicked or relieved, I should… feel something._

‘You should have died, this is why it’s so disappointing.’

_No. I don’t wanna die._

‘You do. You’re suicidal, remember?’

_Not now. There’s Kishou and…_ The idea stoked him like a lightening. Kishou. He could have died and their previous kiss would have been their last. He could have died without even touching him again. He could have died without being intimate with him again. He could have died without having sex with him again. He could have died and never heard his whispered I love you. He could have died without telling the man he was in love with him…

“Ki… Kishou?” he managed to whisper painfully.

“Arima-san has been warned, he’s on his way.”

“Kishou…”

His mind was too confused to get right the sense of Ihei’s words and he kept calling for the man in an erratic way, his voice stammering as he started to cry. Perhaps from pain, perhaps from exhaustion, it was hard for him to say.

“Kishou… I love you, Kishou. I love you. I love you so much. I love you. I love you. Please, forgive me I’ve made you wait for so long but I love you, Kishou. I do love you. I…”

He kept repeating it again and again, not even conscious about his colleagues worrying next to him. He was still talking when Arima entered the room and the man was taken aback by his lover’s words. A confession, at this very time? Well, Tousei truly knew how to make it awkward indeed. Arima threw his stuff on the only chair left and came to sit on the bed, taking the boy’s trembling hand in his, kissing his forehead, kissing his silly lips babbling incoherent I love you. The boy tensed then eased at his touch, completely relieved. His eyes were closed and he looked pretty tired all of a sudden.

“I knew it, silly. I’m here now, just sleep. I’m not going anyway.”

“Kishou, I love you…”

“I love you too, Tousei.”

The boy squeezed his hand before letting himself sleep, slowly drifting into Morpheus’s arms as the white-haired man slowly stroked his hair, a slight smile on his lips. For it was a blessing to him to finally hear Tousei express his feelings towards him. The rest of the squad looked at the couple with half-mocking eyes for they had seen the Reaper melting at the boy’s words but the cold look Arima gave them in the following second made them all find some excuse to leave the room. Once alone, Arima took of his shoes, his jacket and his tie, loosened his shirt a bit and lied down on the bed, pulling the boy in an embrace, keeping him close to him, afraid to let him go again.

“Tousei…” he whispered, trembling, burying his face against the boy’s clothing “Don’t you dare make me worry like that again!”


	7. I need a cure for this life I've chosen

Tousei was recovering. Tousei was recovering pretty well. It had been hard at first, very painful and he spent most of his days sleeping. But now two weeks or so had past and he started to feel better. His left side was still very sensitive and he couldn’t lie on his belly yet and well… every move involving his abs muscles hurt too… _It sounds like I’m no better._ In fact he was recovering, he could walk in his room and the hallways by himself as long as he didn’t choose to make silly big move. The pain was still very present and Tousei didn’t want to reopen the wound. _I wanna get back to work. I miss him._

‘But does he miss you?’

_Yes…_

‘Are you sure?’

_Oh please quit it, you’re ridiculous. He kissed me in front of the squad. He kissed me, a fucking insane boy, in front of all these persons. He loves me._

‘But you will never be sure… He never came back to see you.’

_Shut up, my insecurity. You won’t get me this time. I trust him._

In a way, Tousei was in fact relieved Arima never came back to see him for he was most of the time sleeping or high on painkillers or having some PTSD crisis popping out so… It was for the best. Though he wasn’t all alone all the time, the new girl, Fujisaki-san, came once per day to pay him a visit and bring him books to read and nicotine gums to survive the stay at the hospital. _Though I need a real cig, she’s nice._ Books were obviously Arima’s pick for he found little notes hidden between pages. Sometimes it was just a little I love you but most of the times… Tousei blushed only at the thought. Most of the times there were explicit sexual content with a lot of dirty details and Tousei always pictured Kishou writing them at his desk with his usual poker face and it always got him so… hard. _I miss touching him too, I miss his touch. The daily kiss he gives me._ Tousei tried not to think about sex too much as he was reading a very serious book. And this was still an early hour, what if a nurse came in as he was touching himself? After few very long minutes focused on the (boring) dialogue of his book, everything went back to normal. He even got plunged into the story which turned out not to be so boring now he was off. He barely heard the small knocks on his door. _Ah? Fujisaki-san forgot something?_

“Yes, come in” Tousei said as he closed his book and put it on the bed table.

He was surprised to see Arima coming him, a small suitcase in one hand and some… suit in his other. The man acted as the owner of the place, like always, hanging the suit in Tousei’s closet and putting the suitcase under the only chair of the room.

“Kishou… Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to see you but what’s all this?”

“The doctor told me you had a lot of nightmares recently, something due to the attack. I’m here to check on you. And anyway, I missed you as well” Arima said, sitting at the end of the bed, undoing his shoes as if he were at home.

“I missed you too… But the suit? The bag?”

“Clean clothes for tomorrow, I’ll spend the night here.”

“Eh?” Tousei blinked at the words “You can’t do that, you know?”

“I’m a top class investigator, Tousei. I can do what I want.”

_Right._ Arima was also undoing his tie, his jacket, putting them properly on the chair. And also his shirt and pants. _Wait…_ Tousei blushed.

“What are you doing?”

“I’ve done it before but sleeping in a suit isn’t very nice. Don’t be embarrassed, Tousei. It’s not the first time you see me like this.”

“Well…”

Tousei tried to look away all the same but his eyes were staring at Arima’s body as the man was striping. Even if he wasn’t trying to tease him it was… _He’s so beautiful, too beautiful._ Once there were only his boxers left, Arima came into the bed next to Tousei. The boy lied onto his right side carefully, trying not to cause himself pain and curled himself against Arima’s chest as two strong arms wrapped around him. _He’s warm and comforting._ Arima leaned down to kiss him, slowly stroking his skin. _Oh I missed that._ Tousei deepened the kiss, touched the man’s bare flesh, touching his torso, touching his back, touching his abs, touching his hips. Touching, just touching. Before he could realize it, Tousei had started rubbing his body against his lover’s shamelessly. And he had a boner… _Shit, I didn’t mean to_. He broke the kiss, trying to detach himself from the man but got stopped by two fingers tilting his chin. And his lustful eyes met Arima’s cold ones.

“I’m sorry I didn’t want it to…”

“It’s okay, Tousei. But you’re still wounded, you can’t have proper sex.”

“I’m sorry… I’m horny and…”

“I feel honored…” Arima whispered as he undressed the boy completely, freeing him from his hospital clothing and then himself from his own underwear before pressing their lower bodies together.

“Oh!” Tousei arched at the contact, rubbing more of himself against Arima, against his… _It’s warm and… so big…_ “More…” the boy mewled as he scratched Arima’s back, leaving bloody trails on his skin.

“You’re too eager, Tousei.”

Arima’s moves were slow yet precise, he rubbed carefully both their hard cocks together, taking them both in the grip of his large hand to press them together as he started pumping up and down. Slowly. _Not enough…_

“Daddy… Please, more…”

Tousei’s voice was hoarse and he let escape a whining sound when the man stopped touching him with his hand. But he panted hard again when he felt him kiss and suck at his nipples, biting them hard. Then kissing his belly, his hips, his inner thighs, his pelvis. The head of his hard cock. _Shit._ Tousei arched at the move, surprised. Arima still acted composed, even when he tucked few of Tousei inside his mouth, swirling his tongue around it before putting it out to lick the precum. _He’s too good…_ He took few of him in again, pumping what wasn’t in his mouth, playing with the boy’s balls softly between his slender fingers. He took the rest of him inside easily, bobbing his head up and down. _Why is he so fucking good at this?_ Tousei grabbed his hair as a reflex, moaning loud as he ran his fingers through the white locks.

“Daddy… it feels so good…”

Tousei was trembling, close to his orgasm, trying not to burst into his lover’s mouth, trying to make it last at least few more seconds for he was really feeling good into this wet and hot… _Fuck!_

“Daddy, I’m gonna… Aaaah… Let me out…”

Contrary to his command, Arima went faster, really faster so Tousei couldn’t restrain anymore and released himself into his mouth, cursing himself internally. _Why is he so fucking hot?_ Tousei’s toes curled and he tossed his head back, before his entire body relaxed and everything became so… fuzzy. He stared in blank, feeling Arima’s mouth let go of his softening cock and kiss him. Before the boy began to understand the situation, he was rewarded with Arima’s tongue against his. And his own sperm filling his mouth. Tousei’s eyes widened in surprise for he wasn’t really expecting his lover to give it back to him. _It’s hot… It tastes nice with his flavor._ Tousei swallowed it all with no hesitation as his lover finished himself on that kiss, splattering their bellies with white. When they finally parted, Tousei sucked a deep breath in, curled against Arima’s chest and kissed him softly there.

“That was good…” he said “But I feel like something’s missing.”

“I know…” Arima’s voice was nothing but a whisper “But it’s dangerous, you’re wounded.”

“I want you in there, daddy…” Tousei drew circles on his lover’s chest with his fingers.

“How eager…” Arima played softly with Tousei’s hair. “Get cured first, then daddy’ll take care of you, okay?”

“Mmm” Tousei closed his eyes and rested his head, smiling “I love you so much…”

Arima gave him a peck on the top of his head.

“I love you as well, Tousei.”

No nightmares occurred that night.

 

When Arima woke up, he couldn’t tell what exact hour it was. The room was still dark so he assumed it was still somehow early in the morning. He needed to go to work. Tousei was still asleep, clinging onto him as if his life depended on it. Arima smiled, cupping softly the boy’s cheek. Tousei moved a bit and curled more against Arima. He looked at peace there, the investigator thought, and beautiful even if his vision was blurry for he hadn’t his glasses on. He extended an arm to grab them and once they were put on his nose, he could tell Tousei never looked so relaxed. He couldn’t help kissing him on the forehead and running his fingers through those messy black locks. He heard Tousei babble confused sounds at the touch. He could stay there forever, watching him sleep, waiting for him to be awake, having little chats in the morning, sharing breakfasts… Perhaps sometimes morning sex? Well, he had to work, he reminded himself as he started getting up. He was very careful, he didn’t want to wake or hurt Tousei. He got straight to the bathroom and took a quick effective shower in there. Then he went to Tousei’s closet to grab his clean suit and put it on. He was putting yesterday’s one in his suitcase when he heard ruffled sounds and the boy’s sleepy voice.

“Wow…”

“Wow?”

“I just opened my eyes and saw such a beautiful man standing there I thought I was still dreaming…”

“Hello to you too.”

Arima went to kiss him good morning, trying not to show how much the compliment actually pleased him. His heart was really pounding and he wanted just to go back to bed and spend the day here. With the man he loved. Tousei opened his mouth and wrapped sleepy arms around his lover’s neck, dragging him closer to him. And to the bed. Arima broke the kiss.

“Tousei, I can’t stay.”

“Just five more minutes…” The boy glanced at the alarm on his bed table “Oh shit, you’re late already.”

“It’s okay, I just had a meeting this morning, I always skip those. But I need to show up, we’re planning a big operation.”

“I know… I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too. I’ll give Fujisaki-kun few books for you and…”

“Will you be there tonight as well?”

“I don’t think so…”

“Why? I’ll fucking miss you! I love you!” Tousei was on the verge of tears again just at the thought of being alone again, without him.

“I love you too, that’s not the problem there… But this is not good, physically I mean. We’re all cramped in and you need to heal.”

“You’re comforting me… I had no nightmares.”

“Tousei, your body first. You need to heal.”

“But, daddy…”

Arima’s heart skipped a bit. It was the very first time Tousei said it in a non-sexual situation and he was feeling… weird, but in the good sense of it. As if he were trust-worthy. As if Tousei chose to rely on him completely.

“I know it’s hard, Tousei. But you’ll be good, won’t you? I’ll visit you as soon as I can.”

“Yeah, go to work… Sorry I’m keeping you…”

“It’s okay, silly.”

Arima kissed him again but Tousei could tell he was in a rush. He waved him goodbye when he went through the door and the boy felt something in his chest hurt. He lied back, burying his face into one of his pillows, intoxicating himself with Arima’s scent. _Kishou… Please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone._ He held the pillow closer, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths into it. _Ki…shou…_

 

Tousei was dragged out of his sleep by Fujisaki’s sweet voice. _Oh crap I fell back asleep._ He sat back, trying to make the last blurs of sleep go away from his brain. _Oh shit is it that late already?_ His hips hurt and his arms shook when he raised himself onto his bed.

“Hello, Fujisaki-kun. Sorry I’ve kept you waiting.”

“Good morning, Kishimoto-san. It’s okay, I know you’re having rough nights lately. Was it some nightmare again?”

“No, no. Kishou, I mean Arima-san paid me a visit.”

He yawned, rubbed his eyes, trying to forget about how hot last night was, how good Arima’s body felt against his, how beautiful he was in that suit at eight in the morning. _I hope I’ll see him soon again._

“Oh I see…”

The slight blush on her cheeks made Tousei understand she knew what kind of relationship they have. _Well, all the CCG must whisper those gossips by now._ But Tousei couldn’t tell if she thought of it as something wrong, or gross…

‘Or maybe she’s so wet down there, having fantasies about you two fucking.’

_Eh? What?_

‘Girls nowadays are into that. They think it’s hot stuff.’

_That’s my colleague and it’s embarrassing!_

Tousei’s fingers were griping the bed sheets awkwardly and his eyes were staring in blank. It was the voice which brought him back to his senses again.

“Kishimoto-san, are you okay? You have to know I don’t judge you, about your relationship or anything… You don’t have to worry, okay?”

“Th-Thank you, I’m just tired…” _At least she’s not homophobic._

“I understand, I should let you rest then, here have the books Arima-san told me to give you.” She put three books on the bed table and Tousei couldn’t help wondering if there were sexual notes in them.

“Thank you, Fujisaki-kun. By the way did you adapt to the team? And the work?”

“Everything’s fine, thank you. I appreciate so much you took the time to explain me everything even if you were recovering. I can’t wait to work with you as well!”

“I appreciate that. I’m glad you’ve adapted yourself well. And don’t worry, we’ll work with each other as soon as I get out of here.”

“Next week, right? The doctor just told me, it’s a good news.”

_Well, I didn’t know. Next week? Wow…_ The conversation went on with small talk before she left him to get back to work for her lunch time was almost over. _I’m out next week… It feels like I’ve been here for so long already._ Tousei grabbed the first book on the pile and flipped over the pages to find the usual note. A small piece of paper fell upon his bed and he grabbed it, his hands trembling with expectation. At his surprise, the note was very short yet concise and stroke him right in the heart, freezing him completely, leaving him unable to think. Arima’s handwriting was always so tidy and perfectly readable, no confusion was possible. Tousei’s heart beat so fast he could almost hear it.

“We should live together” the note said.


	8. I'm bad at loving you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Tousei gets out of the hospital but reality felt too different from what he has known

‘Refuse.’

_I want to live with him. Can you imagine? I’ll see him everyday no matter how much we have to work, we’ll sleep in the same bed, we’ll share meals, we’ll do couple things like a real couple._

‘Refuse. This shit isn’t for you.’

_He asked me! This is serious!_

‘Come on, we both know you can’t live with someone for real. The first months are perfect but as time goes people start to piss you off.’

_This is different. I’ll live with my lover. This never occurred before._

‘Do you really want to involve yourself into that shit? I said nothing when you made that stupid confession but we both know that in few months all feelings will be gone.’

_That’s not true._

‘You’ll become an empty shell again. You’re not emotionally stable.’

_This is different._

‘How is this different? Are you not mentally ill anymore?’

_He said he’d prove you wrong._

‘But you’ll prove me right, sweetie. You always do. Just wait for those feelings to pass.’

_Why are you doing this to me?_

‘I’m trying to help you, babe. Imagine, you could be stuck with someone you’ll come to dislike.’

_And what if my feelings last?_

‘Oh come on, they never did. What will they do this time? Being fucked and told you’re loved doesn’t change the fact that you’re a monster unable to provide love.’

_You’re so fucking disgusting._

‘I just care about you… Haven’t I always taken a good care of you?’

_Can you just shut up?_

‘Will you do as I say?’

_Don’t I always, in the end?_

‘You’re such a good boy, Tousei. I’m really really proud of you.’

 

            Unreal. It all felt unreal this morning. Tousei knew he was supposed to get out today but… Unreal was the only word he got in mind to describe it at this very moment. He had woken up like every morning since a while, facing that white hospital ceiling. He had taken his disgusting breakfast. He had gotten up and taken a shower. But instead of his usual bed clothing he had put on one of the suits he usually wore to go to work. Fujisaki-san had brought him clean clothing yesterday and he always wondered how she did since it wasn’t the suit he kept at the CCG. _This suit was home. Or I can’t remember properly anymore._ He was grabbing his last things when he felt two arms wrap him from behind and lips kiss his neck softly. He turned around to face Arima as the man cupped gently his face between both his hands and started kissing him slowly. Tenderly. Tousei closed his eyes and tilted his head, allowing his lover full access and putting his hands on his shoulders. Even if he was dissociated this felt nice. Somehow. But distant. Arima broke the kiss then looked at him with the coldest eyes.

“This is for real, Tousei.”

“I know… I’m sorry, my head…”

“Don’t apologize” Arima cut him, stroking his cheek with the back of his fingers “You’re not responsible for your illness.”

Tousei was always surprised by the strong difference between Arima’s look or tone and his words or actions. Like he seemed always so cold and distant but said and did the sweetest things. _I’ll never get used to that._ They parted and started to grab the boy’s things. Well, Arima took it all using the excuse of Tousei’s recovery. The boy had to pay attention for a while longer indeed but he wasn’t a crippled. _I can do things but I feel like he’s gonna babysit me for the days to come._ This meant no work on the field either and Tousei felt somehow disappointed for he liked that better than the usual desk work he had to do everyday. When they reached the car, Arima put all his stuff in the trunk and even came to open the door for him.

“Thank you but I’m not that ill. I can open my own door” Tousei whined as he got in.

The car had properly the cleanest inside Tousei had never seen in his entire life. He was practically sure those kind of states of cleanness only existed in movies or commercials. Anyway it fitted Arima so well he shouldn’t even be surprised. The white-haired man came to sit on the driver’s seat, put on his belt and started the engine. Before starting to drive, he handed Tousei a coffee.

“Here, very black and no sugar, right? I hope it’s still warm enough. Don’t forget your belt.”

 “Th-Thank you” Tousei blushed with confusion as he took the coffee “You don’t have to do all this, I can manage myself” he took a sip of it as Arima started driving.

“I know. But I’d be a bad daddy if I didn’t take care of my little boy.”

Tousei chocked on his coffee. _For real?_ He glared at Arima and his face seemed maybe amused, his eyes were sparkling behind his glasses but he was too unreadable to put the finger on a single expression. _Was he even teasing? Because that sounded serious to me._ Tousei decided to focus on his coffee for that appeared to be the best thing to do in this situation.

“Oh by the way, Tousei, if you’re asked, you’re not free tonight.”

“What? I just got out for the hospital, my colleagues will probably want to buy me a drink or something. It’s not like I do wanna spend time with them instead of you but I can’t really say no, you see…”

“You’ll say no. You’re not free tonight.”

“Daddy, I’ll…”

“You’re not free tonight, Tousei. Don’t try to negotiate, it’s definitive.”

“Wow, ok, got it. I was just thinking Fujisaki-kun will be sad, she was truly waiting to spend some time with me out of the hospital and…”

“Fujisaki-kun? You care about her? I thought your colleagues left you emotionless.”

“They bore me, that’s worse honestly. But that girl, she’s sweet. And came to visit me every day at the hospital so at least I can…”

“You care about her?” Arima’s voice had become really cold and sharp.

“I care, yeah. As a friend. What’s the matter, anyway? You sound jealous.”

Tousei smiled at the thought of the Reaper being so in love with him he was possessive. _That’s so sweet._ He was taken aback when he felt the car stop brutally at some red light. Before Tousei could open his mouth to ask about it he was grabbed violently by the collar and pulled in a rough kiss. His eyes widened when Arima forced his way into his mouth, pressing so hard against him he could feel their teeth shock. The man’s hands kept Tousei’s head in position as he was making a mess of him with his tongue. _Oh crap he IS jealous after all._ They parted one second before the light turned green and Arima started to drive again, very composed, while Tousei cleaned the saliva off his chin. _I’m not turned on, I’m not fucking turned on._

“Tousei…” Arima’s voice was very low. _And very erotic…_ “You’re mine, don’t forget that.”

_No, no, no. I’m not turned on by this. Not at all._

“I k-know that, daddy.”

“Good boy…”

Tousei went to finish his coffee he still had in his hand despite this all and Arima patted him on the head. It was soft but also… possessive? Dangerous? He couldn’t tell. _But I’m not turned on by this…_

‘Liar…’ The voice mocked at him.

_Oh fuck…_

 

 _Boring._ This was the first word that came to his mind, those few days had made him forget how work could be… _boring_. Filling papers at his desk, taking smoke breaks, coffee breaks, lunch breaks… No field work because of his injury. Ihei-san taking care of him as if he were a new born baby. And Arima… Arima was the worst today.

“You’re still there, Arima-san?” Ihei noticed as she put few more files on her desk “You know, you have your own office.”

“Thank you but I’m staying with Tousei…” Arima said as if it were perfectly normal, flipping the pages of the file in his hand.

“What? Why?” the boy let escape in surprise.

“You’re injured…” Another page flipped.

“This is why I do deskwork, thank you but I’ll be fine. Unless those sheets try to attack me. Or that pen! Pens can be so dangerous…”

“Are you questioning my decision, Second class Kishimoto?”

“Kishimoto-kun” Ihei intervened “Just work, okay? It’s not a big deal.”

Even without his boss’s intervention, Tousei knew when Arima started to speak in a formal way it was better not to get him angry. He got back to work, until Fujisaki arrived and greeted everyone, Arima included. Tousei had the feeling the pages of the reports were flipped in a slower way when he was helping out the girl with her current case and he took a look at Arima… meeting that same cold look as in the car earlier on. _Kishou…_ Tousei stood up briskly, surprising everyone in the room.

“I… need a smoke break.”

He grabbed his cigarettes and his coat and went down to the smoking area. He had just lit his cigarette, Arima just leaned by the wall next to him and pull one out too.

“Don’t… It’s bad for your health.”

“It’s bad for yours as well.”

“I’ve addiction issues.”

“You don’t have to explain to me.”

“I’m not in love with her, she’s a friend.”

“It’s okay. I just missed you so much I want to be alone with you.” Arima got closer and took the boy’s left hand in his. “I want you to be alone with me.”

Tousei felt something cold and hard in his left hand and raised it at his eyes’ level. A key. A brand new shining key. Tousei gave his lover an interrogative look.

“It’s the key to my flat. Consider it your house as well.”

“Wait, Kishou. I said I wasn’t ready. This is going too fast and…”

“I don’t want to waste any time.”

“Kishou…”

“You don’t have to move in already. Just… think about it, okay?”

“I…” Tousei smoked a bit to gain some time.

“I love you.”

Arima cupped his cheek softly. The boy put a hand on his and looked at him with confused eyes. _I love you. You can’t live with me. You can’t live with my illness. I’m sorry._ He should have said it, instead of smiling so awkwardly.

 

            The drive home was made in silence. Tousei had insisted but Arima almost made him get in the car by force. His driving was fast, in a hurry. The boy looked at his feet embarrassed, wondering if he had done the right thing. _Sometimes it just feels like I can’t understand him. Like we’re… miles apart._ The boy played with his fingers nervously, hoping this would end quickly so he could return home. Enjoying his bed, his television, his stuff. His left side still hurt a little and he felt like he could use some of those pain killers the doctor had given him before he left hospital.

‘To ease your physical or mental pain?’

_Both._

‘Just after you said to him to cancel tonight’s plans?’

_I’m tired. And I said I was sorry._

‘You just want to get high.’

_I just wanna go home. Alone._

‘And high.’

_I don’t feel like existing today._

The car stopped. Slowly. It wasn’t as brisk as this morning so Tousei assumed Arima wasn’t mad at him for cancelling his plans. He really felt empty and not in the mood for cuddling or doing anything romantic. He just wanted to dissolve softly into thin air. He sighed and gathered enough strength to lay his eyes on his lover. To say he was sorry once again. But before he could even open his mouth he realized something was wrong. He didn’t recognize his surroundings. This wasn’t his street, this wasn’t his building. _Where…?_

‘Trapped.’

His belly filled with fear, overwhelming fear. He trusted the man enough but… _I’m having a panic attack. Just a small one. He won’t notice._ Not answering his silent question, Arima undid his seatbelt and got out, before opening Tousei’s door and dragging him outside by force. The air was cool outside, they walked hand in hand for a while. _Well… he hasn’t cancelled after all._ Tousei felt the panic slowly go away with his grip on reality. He dissociated, he depersonalized, he didn’t know which term was right. He barely felt Arima’s hand holding his, his feet on the ground, so light so so light… _One pill and I’d dissolve._ He didn’t look at where he was taken, surroundings were seen by his eyes but not analyzed by his brain. Stairs? Perhaps an open door… Who could tell? Fingers snapped before his eyes, he heard the sound of the first slap… and felt the sting of the second. Just enough to hurt a bit…

“I’m back! I’m back! Please stop!” he raised his arms to protect his face.

“Don’t you dare become an empty shell in my arms again!” Arima’s voice was angry.

“I’m sorry!”

Tousei looked around. They were in some entrance, it was tidy, clean and it smelt like coffee and cinnamon. And also like something else but Tousei couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Where are we?”

“This is my place, Tousei.”

 _Oh…_ That explained what it smelled like Arima too.

“You never intended to cancel, right?”

“I’ve missed you too much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arima is cute, I think Arima is cute here. Maybe a little ooc tho?


	9. You have my heart, at least for the most part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arima is not always a man in control

Tousei managed to smile before his head furiously hit the wall. _What?_ Arima was gripping him by the collar, making him unable to make any move. And trying to escape the Reaper while still injured and a bit high on painkillers was too foolish.

“Kishou?”

He asked but his only answer was Arima’s lips crushing onto his. As wild and violent as this morning. He felt his teeth, the frame of his cold glasses against his skin. His tongue making its way quite easily inside his mouth, pushing deeper, deeper, deeper… _I’m suffocating._ Tousei could finally breathe when they parted, but it was small relief for he felt his feet leaving the floor, Arima’s arms lifting him up, taking him… somewhere. _I’m still half-dissociating I guess._ The world spun around him and his back finally hurt something soft. The bed. Arima’s towering body came into sight and his eyes widened. He felt out of his body and at the same time the boiling sensation down there was quite… real.

“Please, Kishou, not tonight. I’m not myself.”

Arima leaned down to kiss his neck before biting in it. That wasn’t soft and Tousei let escape a little scream. His tie was already undone, his shirt was half-way, he was licking the skin he had bitten. _Shit…_ Tousei gathered his strength as he put his hands on the man’s shoulders and pushed him away.

“Please, no. Not when I’m like this. I’m not myself. Don’t… Kishou, I…”

He received a slap, harder than the previous one. He was stunned as he felt his lover get him rid of his tie and top. His limbs and hands were trembling. His eyes were full of tears. _I’d beg if I’ve to. He’s hot but I feel like shit._ He extended a hand to touch Arima’s face, whispering his name but got deflected. The white-haired man’s fingers ended on the boy’s neck. It was easy, too easy. Arima squeezed and Tousei choked. _Ah…_ _Murder me._ The boy put a hand on Arima’s but didn’t try to remove it. He stroked it, encouraging his lover to go further. He could feel himself becoming terribly hard. And pain dragging him back to reality. Arima finally removed his hand and Tousei automatically sucked in breath with a creepy sound. Arima finished to undress him as the boy came back to his senses. He put on finger on the head of Tousei’s cock, teasing a bit but not making any move showing he was going to do more than that.

“Daddy?” Tousei asked shyly.

“Are you yourself again?”

“Yes. No. Please fuck me.”

“I don’t want to. You are naughty. I don’t like naughty boys.”

“My head is confused.”

“Well…” Arima removed his hand from Tousei’s cock and kneeled on the bed “That’s not an excuse for playing me around again. You said no, so no it is.”

“I’m dissociating… Please fuck me now I’ll be good.”

“Fuck yourself.”

Arima made a move to get off the bed but was stopped by Tousei’s hand on his belt. The boy crawled quickly to undo the man’s pants and pull out his cock. Tousei was still impressed by the size but gave it a few pumps all the same before putting few inches of it in his mouth. Arima was impressed by that bold move but only told the boy to watch out his teeth. Tousei started sucking on it, pushing it in, pulling it out, licking the precum to feel it on his tongue. Each time he tried to take more of Arima but this just couldn’t fit. He pulled him out completely, his lips already stained with precome.

“Kishou… I…”

He was cut by his lover shoving his dick inside his mouth with no warning. All of it. Tousei could feel tears escape him as he tried hard not to gag on it, as a hand kept his head firmly into position.

“Don’t talk until you’re done” Arima whispered as he bucked his hips.

Tousei understood and started bobbing his head slowly, meeting the pace of his lover’s hips. He enhanced the speed at Arima’s command, feeling like he was about to die by choking at any second. When he was about to come, Arima withdraws to only leave the tip of his dick in Tousei’s mouth so the boy tasted everything. When he pulled out completely, Tousei swallowed the white seed for he didn’t know what else to do with it, he didn’t know where the bathroom was and giving it back to Arima as the man once did to him didn’t sound like a great idea. Tousei was hard, so hard it was painful. He just needed it now. _I’ve been good, right?_

“Daddy…”

“I told you to fuck yourself” Arima coldly said as he lied down on his back, pulling out one cigarette “So fuck yourself. Show me how you do it.”

Tousei got on the top of his lover, starting to straddle their hips together as he slid one of his own fingers inside of himself, moaning. Arima watched him with curious and hungry eyes, taking few puffs at his cigarette. It didn’t take long to have him hard again for Tousei was really putting on a show, moaning more than necessary, touching himself obscenely, adding more fingers to the previous one, trembling like an autumn leaf, calling for his daddy… Still Arima kept his composure as he smoked, enjoying how his lover could be so horny and beautiful in all this sweat. It was hard to restrain himself, really. Tousei grabbed the man’s hard again dick in his hand and put it against his hole but quickly Arima tossed his fag in an ashtray and switched their positions so Tousei was on his four under Arima. Arima’s dick was teasing his hole but the man didn’t push in.

“I told you to fuck yourself, Tousei. Not to make me fuck you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so…”

“Shut up” Arima gave him a slap on the ass that made Tousei’s cock twitch “I don’t wanna hear you make a single sound while I punish you.”

“Daddy, I’m sorry.”

“Didn’t you hear me?” Arima whispered coldly in his ear as he pulled Tousei’s hair back.

The boy was about to answer again but just gave him a nod. He was rewarded with a good boy but ended with his hands all tied up behind his back. _It hurts._ He buried his face into the pillow, feeling Arima pushing suddenly inside of him. He cried, he sobbed in silence. _It hurts so fucking good inside of me._ The man settled a rough pace right from the start and Tousei had to keep his teeth clenched not to let escape any sound. The room was abnormally silent. The bed was creaking a bit but only there were the sound of their bare flesh and… _Kishou…_ his grunts of pleasure as he thrust himself deeper and deeper inside the boy under him. _Kishou sounds so hot_. Tousei bit his lower lip as fingers were wrapped around his cock, pumping him so good, and then again when Arima spread his legs a little more to hit his prostate just right. _I need to come…_ He knew he hadn’t been allowed to yet and bit his lip more, tasting blood. _I need it so bad._ Tears were rolling down his cheeks, he tried to move his prisoned hands to make Arima understand. But the man was merciless.

“Not now, Tousei. Be a good and obedient boy.”

 _No, I need to…_ He wanted to scream, to moan, to cry out his daddy’s name and to come. To come. He felt so full, he hurt everywhere. It was heaven and hell at the same time. That wasn’t bearable.

“Daddy…” he pleaded with a messy voice “I’m so sorry, I need to come.”

“I told you to be silent, though. I guess you still have to learn how to be good. You can come now.”

Tousei welcomed those words as a blessing and come hard onto the sheets. Arima gave few harder thrusts before coming inside of him as well, griping his shoulder and his hip so violently. _I’ll have bruises again._ The man stayed inside of him for a while and Tousei wondered when he’d free him from his restrains. Arima rolled on his left side with the boy before withdrawing completely and releasing his hands. Tousei massaged his wrists. Everything hurt so bad but he felt so pleased. He turned to face Arima.

“Sorry I said no again. Sorry I broke the rule.”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry.”

“But I…”

“Tousei, just shut up and sleep before you ruin it.”

“O-Okay, daddy.”

Arima took him in a firm and possessive embrace. He stroked his back and his hair softly though, waiting for him to be asleep. It’s only when he was sure the boy was sleeping that he took off his glasses and let himself go too.

“Tousei, I’ve missed you so so much.”

 

            The alarm rang, Tousei opened his eyes quickly. It was pitch-black in the room and it was warm around him and it smelt nice like… _Kishou._ He took him some seconds to remember and he couldn’t help smiling. _It’s comfortable in here._ He felt the man move, a light was switched on. It was not so bright but his eyes were aggressed all the same. He could see the hour on the clock by the bed. _5:30am? Why so early?_ Arima’s hand came to turn off the alarm.

“Sleep.” The man’s voice was composed, even in the morning.

“Stay…” Tousei’s wasn’t.

“Just sleep. I’ll wake you up in time.”

Tousei obeyed for he was really tired to get up at such an early hour. Before he closed his eyes again, he saw the man got up, naked. It was like a blessing. _Beautiful…_ was the last thing he thought before he fell back asleep.

 

“Tousei?”

“Mmmm?”

“Tousei, get up.”

“Mmm no…”

“Go take a shower or you’ll be late. The bathroom is the first door on your left.”

He felt lips kissing his forehead and heard Arima leaving the room. Tousei gathered his strength to get up. His body hurt everywhere. His body always hurt after sex. He noticed Arima had left a towel and clean clothes for him on the bed table. He smiled at the sight and made his way through the bathroom. The so-called bathroom was huge. In the mirror he saw the huge bite mark on his neck. It wasn’t something small or even nice. The shape of Arima’s teeth were visible. He put a hand on it and realized his wrists were burnt from the restraints. Plus the bruises on his hips and shoulders. Plus the other bite marks here and there though he didn’t remember being bitten so much. Plus the pain down there. Plus… _A mess, a fucking mess._

‘And you call that love.’

Not answering he got into the bathtub and starts to put the water on. Hot, very hot, as always. Each time he tried to make it hotter. It stung him. _Aaah…_

‘Haven’t you had enough pain?’

_Stop talking._

‘You know I’m right.’

_I took the lead._

‘Oh… Really? Didn’t he put it violently in you again?’

_No…_

‘Just admit he can’t be kind.’

_He is! He was! After… sex._

‘Just admit he rap…’

_Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!_

‘Come on, Tousei, that’s the right word for it.’

_Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! YOU LIAR!_

‘Tousei…’

_YOU’RE ALWAYS FUCKING LYING!_

“Tousei!”

He realized Arima was here, holding his fists in his hand. Tousei’s right fist was covered with blood. _Mi…Mine?_ His eyes widened, he was trembling. He looked back at Arima and what he saw in his eyes was… _What is that?_

“I’m sorry, Kishou. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry… I… You’ll be soaked, get out.”

“What happened?”

Arima ignored him and pulled him in an embrace, holding his face against his chest, caring, protective and… _Trembling? No, that’s me._

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s my fault” Tousei’s eyes widened. _What? No!_ “I’m not kind enough.”

“Kishou, don’t…”

“I don’t know how to love you. When I see all that pain you’re going through, I always want to turn it into some kind of pain you can at least enjoy.”

“Ki…shou…” Tousei felt like crying, his knees were weak. He would have fallen down if it wasn’t for Arima.

“It’s not the good way. You always have a crisis after we do it so I’ll be kinder from now. Can you forgive me?” The Reaper’s voice was very weak.

“There…” The more he gripped on Arima, the more it felt like the man was trembling as well. “There’s nothing to forgive. Please don’t change, please don’t be… kind to me. Please…” His fingers were clinging on the wet shirt so hard his knuckles were white “Please ravage me, destroy me, annihilate me. And… put me back together after, recreate me, remake me. Be my dad, my master or my god, whatever… Just don’t be kind…”

“Tousei, I…”

“I’m tired of people being kind to the poor little sick Tousei!” he yelled “I am not a poor thing! I am not an ill man! I am… I am…” _What am I?_

“Mine…” His voice was… _Is he crying?_

“Yeah… I’m that.”

“My lover, my man, my baby boy, mine…” His hands were gripping Tousei too much, they were trembling, Arima really was… _He’s crying._ “I’ve heard you, Tousei. I’ll do that. Will you be happy?”

“As happy as I can be… Please don’t cry.”

They both fell on their knees. Tousei felt very exhausted all of a sudden. Arima probably was feeling the same. Though he held him close, so close. Tousei parted a little to cup the man’s face and look into his eyes. He was beautiful, soaked with all that hot water. He was really beautiful. _Even crying like this._

“I’m so afraid, Tousei. Will I do it the right way?”

“You already are. You’re perfect…” he smiled before adding “The perfect daddy…”

“Stupid…”

Arima smiled back before leaning down for a kiss. He went slow, still trembling, still unsecure but also still very possessive. _It tastes like tears._ How could he know the Reaper had that in him? So much desire to do the things good. _Good for me, not for him. Right from the very start. He cares._

‘He cares.’

_He proved you wrong._

‘For this time, I must admit you’re right.’

_Told you._

‘But for this time only, my pretty little boy.’


	10. Too much for me, too good for me (1/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Threesome - M/M/F (part 1)
> 
> This chapter was requested by a friend so it might sound a little out of the plot though I've tried my best to include it in
> 
> Have a nice reading

Things were quite settled down. Things were quite the part of a routine now. Tousei never actually moved in for his things were still in his own apartment and spent most of his time there. Except for the nights. He spent all nights at Arima’s. He realized he was sleeping better with the man by his side, feeling his warmth, his presence, his scent… _Feeling him possessing me._ He was okay like that but Arima seemed a bit disappointed. Tousei was aware the great investigator wanted to spend as much time as possible with his lover but… _I’m just afraid this goes wrong the second I move in._ At least still owning his own flat was having a shelter for when he had his crises. _So he doesn’t have to be there, so I don’t have to burden him._ It did happen once and Tousei was ashamed to admit Arima ended up at his front door and spent the following hours comforting him and preventing him from hurting himself. Anyway, he knew it was silly to keep his apartment and not moving in with Arima but a part of him just couldn’t take the step.

Though another part of him was completely taken by the white-haired man. Like right now. They were making out on Arima’s couch. Tousei was sitting in the other’s lap, his arms wrapped around his neck, kissing him deeply, straddling their hips together, as the Reaper’s hands were undoing the buttons of Tousei’s shirt, wandering softly on his tummy, making him feel so warm in his belly… and so hard in his pants. Things were going well for the both of them when they heard the doorbell ring. Tousei broke the kiss and made a move to get off Arima but the man caught him by the waist and pressed him more firmly against him.

“Let them ring… Focus on me, Tousei.”

“What if it’s important?”

“Nothing’s more important than us like this.”

Tousei blushed and looked down before kissing him again, trying to forget about the doorbell that rang when he ran his fingers through Arima’s soft hair. That rang when he undid his lover’s tie. That rang when he took off his shirt and dropped it on the floor. That rang when he put his hands on the man’s belt. This was so annoying he couldn’t bear it. With no warning, he got off his lover and redid the buttons of his shirt.

“I’m sorry, Kishou. They keep ringing for five minutes straight. I’ll make it quick, I promise.”

“Tousei…”

“It must be important! It’s not like you have big friends who like to crush in, is it? It’d be quick, I promise.”

“Okay… But don’t make me wait too much, hmmm?”

“Promise.”

Tousei smiled before running at the door and open it, trying to hide the lower part of his body behind the door for the bulge in his pants was quite visible. The door once opened revealed Fujisaki holding files in both her hands and looking very stressed.

“Ah! Hello, I mean good evening, Kishimoto-san!”

“Hello, Fujisaki-kun. Something’s wrong?”

“I don’t understand this case at all! I need help, please! I’ve tried to figure it out by myself already but… Ui-san is going to kill me. Please?”

“We’ll figure it out tomorrow, okay? Just leave the files to me and…”

“I can’t! I’ve to give him my report and I’m already late! And Ui-san is…”

“Not really comprehensive, I know. But I…” _I what? Can’t help you because I wanna get fucked all night instead? Because I want Kishou’s…_ The idea made his cock twitch.

“But right now this is not quite the time, Fujisaki-kun” Tousei heard Arima saying just right behind him as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Oh God…” the girl blushed all of a sudden at the sight of a shirtless Arima standing in front of her “I haven’t realized I was actually… interrupting something. I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay.”

Arima managed to keep his composure but Tousei knew he really was pissed in fact. _And he’ll punish me for opening this door._ But the boy was quite surprised when he heard his lover tell Fujisaki to come in so they could take a look at the case. _Well, goodbye nice evening._ Tousei sighed and followed them inside. Arima took the files the girl had in her hands and threw them on the couch without taking the time to look at them. Fujisaki’s eyes widened with surprise.

“Arima-san, what are you…”

She hadn’t the time to finish her sentence. The Reaper had pulled both her and Tousei in a close embrace. The girl’s heart was beating really fast for she started to understand where the great investigator was leading them where Tousei was just really confused and a bit jealous. _What the fuck?_ Especially when his lover started to suck at the girl’s neck, making her blush and let escape a small sound of surprise. He clung onto the man, not knowing what to do or how to do it. _I’ve never… with a girl… like never…_

“Arima-san… I don’t think this is a good idea.”

Arima answered nothing as he played with her long black hair and started to lead them both to the bedroom. Tousei was getting more and more confused. At least Arima could have… told him, right? It wasn’t like Fujisaki was repulsive and to be honest he was somehow attracted to her. It was just he really didn’t know what to do, especially in such a… situation. Arima acted as if this was somehow perfectly normal, even when they all sat on the bed, undressing each other, touching each other, kissing each other. Fujisaki’s taste was sweet, like candies or cakes, very different from Arima’s, very enjoyable in its own way. The girl seemed quite at ease, even if her hands trembled a little when she undid Tousei’s shirt and stroked his naked skin. He shivered. Her fingers were slender, her touch was light, curious but not possessive. It felt very different… And seeing Arima touching her skin, her breast, her thighs was… _Hot._ The way he bit her neck while undressing her was such a turn on too. _This is what he looks like when he…_ He couldn’t focus for he felt the girl’s hands on his belt, finishing to undress him, freeing his hard cock from his pants. He moaned and closed his eyes and she started to stroke it, slowly. Her hand felt small compared to Arima’s. He could hear her moan as well, for the Reaper had just made his way to her clit and was rubbing it slowly with his right hand, teasing one of her nipple with his left one.

“A… Arima-san…” she let escape, starting to lose control over herself as her stroking became erratic as well, pleasurable all the same though…

“Shino…” Arima whispered with a low voice “Lay down on your back.”

Tousei understood the man was starting to get serious for he used her first name. Fujisaki obeyed his command and Tousei let escape a mewl when his cock lost contact with her hand. He took a look at her and she was truly beautiful, her black long hair spreading all around her, as Arima was touching her thighs, spreading her legs, putting his mouth right between them. Her body arched at the contact and she gripped the sheets hard as the man started to suck on her clit.

“Oh god…” she threw her head back in pleasure.

All her body was trembling and Tousei couldn’t help running his hands on her breast, playing with one of her hard nipples. He rubbed his finger against it, pinched it a little before leaning down to take it in his mouth, sucking on it, biting it. Fujisaki moaned his name and her hand came to grab his hair quite violently. He took that as a sign of pleasure, going for more, sucking on it until it hurt from overstimulation. She also put a hand on Arima’s head as the man went faster on her, sending shivers all over her body. She soon felt warm in her belly, closing and opening her eyes for she didn’t know how to stay still anymore.

“Boys…” her voice was hoarse already “I’m really… close… ah!”

Both of them kept going until she released herself few seconds after. She blinked, looking at the ceiling and by the time she came back to her senses Arima and Tousei were touching each other, obviously putting on a show for her. It was hot, indeed. She had just come and could already feel her belly warm up just at the sight. Arima had wrapped his arms around the boy from behind and was pumping his lover’s cock slowly, really slowly. Tousei was resting his head back on Arima’s shoulder, moaning a soft but still hearable ‘daddy’. This completely got the girl horny again as she started to touch herself. Her gaze met the Reaper’s as she bit her lower lip to muffle her pants. Arima softly bit Tousei’s earlobe before whispering in it.

“Tousei, you should take care of the lady.”

“H-How?” the boy managed to reply with a confused voice.

“I’ll guide you.”

Tousei’s heart skipped a bit and Fujisaki’s face became red in a sudden as she heard that. She stopped playing with herself as Tousei settled between her legs, Arima right behind him, one arm still holding the boy against him. The Reaper took his right hand in his and led it to the girl’s wet hole. Tousei hesitated at first but then started teasing it the way he’d tease his own ass, slowly sliding one finger in her. He hoped he was doing okay but stopped worrying as he heard the girl mewled under his touch. He got bold enough to add another finger in.

“Don’t scissor, just curl them up” Arima said.

And he did as told, causing the girl to arch more and say confused things. When he put a third finger inside of her, Fujisaki thought she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Seeing the cold and composed Arima teaching a trembling and blushing Tousei how to fuck her was just too… much. And Tousei’s touch was good, getting better each time the Reaper rewarded him with pet names. They would be the end of her, she swore to herself.

“Good boy…” Arima whispered in Tousei’s ear “Now remove your fingers and go with your dick.”

“Daddy, I…”

“Just do as I say.”

Tousei pulled out his fingers and positioned the head of his cock against the girl’s twitching hole. Seeing how confused he was, Shino helped him by guiding him inside of her with her own hand. She was so wet it slid in easily and she adapted to his size just well. _This feels good._ Tousei’s arms were trembling and he didn’t dare to make a move. And he was told not to by Arima as well before the man went to lick Tousei’s hole and pushed his tongue in. It didn’t last long before he moved his face away from the boy’s ass but for Tousei it was barely bearable to be stimulated so much. He was somehow relieved but soon after felt his lover pushing his cock deep inside of him, making his own dick going deeper inside Fujisaki. _Oh man…_ The girl under him mewled and started to buck his hips to feel him more inside of her, as Arima gave few slow thrusts inside of him. It was too much for Tousei, he couldn’t do more than burying his face in the crook of the girl’s name and moans incoherent things. The stimulation was way too much. Though, Arima and Fujisaki found quickly a pace and the room was fast filled with moans and pants and grunts. _This is too much… This is fucking too much._ Tousei gripped harder on… whatever he gripped on. He couldn’t tell. All he could think about was Arima’s dick fucking his ass, his own dick fucking that girl, Arima’s mouth ravaging his neck, Fujisaki’s mouth kissing his own… _I can’t! I can’t!_ He tried to warn them he was about to come but he couldn’t tell what exactly came out of his mouth.

“Don’t come yet, Tousei.”

“But, daddy…”

“I said, not yet.”

He tried his best to obey, biting his lower lip so hard he tasted blood in his mouth. Between half-closed eyelids he could see Shino mewling under him, her arms wrapped around his neck as she moved her hips just right. Her gaze was lustful and he understood she was enjoying their role play way too much even she wasn’t a part of it. _Too much… I fucking can’t hold…_ Even his own thought was cut by his orgasm, as he felt himself releasing inside the girl, as he felt Arima slapping his ass for being disobedient, making him come harder. It only took few more thrusts for the Reaper to release himself inside of the boy. He withdrew right after though and told Tousei to do the same. The boy obeyed, rolled on his right side, his body still shaking after what had been probably the biggest orgasm of his life. Anyway he was surprised to see the Reaper going near Fujisaki. He was even more surprised when he saw him slide his fingers inside of her without saying a word.

“Ari… Ah! Arima-san… what are you doing?” she almost screamed between her moans.

“You haven’t come yet, have you?”

“N-No… But I… Already… Before…”

“Don’t talk. Just come.”

And she obeyed the order, for an order it was, feeling her walls clench around Arima’s fingers, curling her toes, tensing her entire body before slowly relaxing. When she came back to her senses, she thanked him. He just nodded in answer, taking a look at Tousei. The boy had already fallen asleep so Arima lied down next to him, took him in a close embrace, putting his head against his chest, softly stroking his hair, giving him a peck on the forehead. Tousei smiled slightly in his sleep as he curled more upon his lover’s chest.

“You truly love him, don’t you?” Fujisaki intervened as she hugged Tousei from behind.

“What about you?” Arima asked coldly as he took off his glasses and put them on the bed table.

“I just care about him, he’s a nice person” she replied, covering themselves with a blanket “And I’m just hugging him because human warmth feels comforting when you try to fall asleep, don’t you agree?”

“Somehow…”

“Don’t be jealous, you don’t have to worry about me. By the way, it was such… a great time. Thank you… both of you…” her voice got weaker as she fell asleep.

“Well, you’re welcome… I guess.”

And he patted her sleepy head before turning off the light and nuzzling his face against Tousei’s neck, wrapping himself in his scent before closing his eyes as well.


	11. Too much for me, too good for me (2/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after  
> This is so much sin, where's the holy water?

Tousei opened his eyes suddenly. He felt warmth behind him and tiny arms holding him close. He closed his eyes again smiling. _Fujisaki-kun…_ He wandered his hands on the sheets to feel Arima as well but found nothing. He reopened in eyes in surprise and saw the man wasn’t here. _Where…?_ His heart hurt a bit for he would have loved to see his beautiful face by the time he woke up. Fujisaki’s hands gripped him a little tighter and she moved a bit against him.

“Good morning, Tousei-san.”

“Good morning, Shino-kun.”

Both their voices were still sleepy. She removed her hands from him and Tousei lied onto his back, facing the ceiling. He smelt coffee and smiled for he was silly to think Kishou went away. _When he’s just taking care of me…_ He smiled wider, a bit dissociated though. He took him some time to realize Fujisaki was towering him and looking at him straight in the eyes. Her look was… Well, he should have seen that coming from miles away but his silly brain decided to trick him. She kissed his mouth, his neck, his chest, his nipples, his torso, trailing down to his stomach and he liked the thing she did with her tongue at his belly button. _Kishou…_ The man’s face flashed into his mind and he thought about telling the girl to stop or at least wait for him to come back and take part of it as well. But he arched his body as he felt the girl’s tongue licking his cock. Her hand pumped it a little, mostly played with his balls and she was softly licking all the length of his cock. _Shit… this is great._ He moaned when she took few of him inside of her mouth, still rubbing her tongue hungrily against it. Tousei gripped onto the sheets in confusion and…

“I see, you two are having a lot of fun without me.”

“Kishou… I… We…”

Tousei couldn’t make a sentence right and Fujisaki chose not to answer, taking instead few more of Tousei inside of her mouth and starting to bob her head slowly. The boy mewled and took another look at Arima, trying to make him understand he also wanted him there. But for what he saw, the Reaper just put the three cups of coffee on the bed table, and then looked at them lustfully. The boxers he had put back on were forming a large tent and already stained with some precome. He stood there, putting a hand inside of the fabric to stroke himself. He licked his lips, watching them, watching how Fujisaki made it slow on purpose to tease Tousei more.

“Kishou!” the boy desperately cried for him, glancing at him “Ki… aaah… Daddy, please…”

Arima couldn’t possibly resist that plea and stopped touching himself to come onto the bed and kiss the boy so roughly Tousei wondered if he was about to eat him up. Fujisaki started to go a little bit faster for now Arima decided to join them. Tousei moaned in the kiss, Arima freed himself from his boxers and took the boy’s hand to put it between his legs. Tousei shivered at the contact and slowly wrapped his fingers around it, giving it few pumps. _It’s so hard…_ The girl decided this was the time to take all of Tousei in her and the boy arched under her touch, giving Arima’s cock a hard squeeze and biting the man’s lower lip too hard out of surprise and pleasure. He tasted blood and when they parted he was about to say he was sorry but Arima sunk his teeth into the flesh of his neck before he could even start to apologize. His cock twitched under the pain and his hand squeezed Arima’s once again. Fujisaki bobbed his head faster and Arima licked the blood on his neck. _I’m…_ His body had stopped moving, all tensed.

“Tousei…” Arima whispered in his ear “Do me properly, move your hand.”

“I can’t, daddy. I’m… ah!”

“Move your hand.”

The way Fujisaki pushed him all in made him come in her throat as his fingers curled up in a fist, even the hand he had on Arima and… _Shit!_ He reopened his eyes to meet Arima’s cold gaze. The girl was just right behind massaging the Reaper’s shoulders, Tousei couldn’t tell when she had moved away from him. And inside his hand Arima was still… _so hard, I wanna…_

“You’re a bad boy, Tousei” the man said as he put his hand on the boy’s one to make him do his hand job right “I’ve taught you better than that.”

“Daddy, I…”

“Move your hand, Tousei” Arima made the boy’s hand move faster as Fujaski’s came to touch the man’s torso, putting on a show for Tousei “Make me come.”

“Daddy…” Tousei swallowed his saliva “Please put in in my mouth.”

That was a bold thing to say and he was aware he hadn’t been really obedient. He wasn’t sure he’d deserve it either but feeling the man so hard and big in his hand, he… _I need him in my ass or my mouth, whatever but I need him inside of me._ Fujisaki was massaging Arima’s arm muscles while the man tilted Tousei’s chin with two fingers to look at him straight in the eye.

“Look at you, not doing me right and asking for a reward…”

“I’ll make you feel good, daddy. It’s warm and wet… and…” Tousei passed his tongue on his teeth, aware he was playing a dangerous game “yours…”

“You’re whining, boy.”

Despite his words, Arima kneeled on the bed, offering fully his erected cock. Tousei got on his four the faster he could and he got his face closer to the man’s crotch, salivating too much but not caring, waiting to be allowed to do anything. He could see Fujisaki’s hands wandering on his lover’s body, touching him in a way it made his cock twitch and more tempting for Tousei who extended a hand to grab it, lead it to his mouth. He was cut by Arima’s hand on his head.

“You’re too greedy, Tousei. I’ll feed you myself.”

Tousei nodded in agreement and opened his mouth. Arima shoved literally all his length inside of him, going deep in the boy’s throat, not letting him any time to adjust. He pulled almost all out, just leaving the leaking tip of his cock in his mouth to make him taste his seed, pushing all in the second after at such a rough pace Tousei hoped he’d control his gag reflex just right. Tears were forming at the corners of his eyes but he’d feel blessed. The girl started to play with Arima’s balls and the man’s thrusts became more erratic and violent. More violent when she squeezed them softly, stroking his hips with her other hand. She was good enough to make Arima grunt and moan.

“You feel good, hmmm?” Arima asked as he took a fistful of Tousei’s hair “You feel good with your mouth full of daddy’s cock, right?”

Tousei tried to nod and moan a yes around the man’s cock and realized he was drooling, tears were rolling down in cheeks. His throat hurt. _I haven’t been good enough, this is my reward._

‘Punishment.’

 _Reward._ He was hard again and Arima felt so good inside of him. He wanted to make his lover come, to drink him until the last drop. He knew he was close, he just had to wait a little more, to be obedient a little more. _And I’ll taste him._

“I’m being too good with you… Hmpf… Taking care of your dirty mouth… aaah… when you’re disobedient and whining… Oh fuck!”

He withdrew only to left the head of his cock in the boy’s mouth, splattering his teeth and tongue with white as Fujisaki was pumping all the length that wasn’t inside through his orgasm, biting softly at his neck and leaving a mark there. Tousei swallowed it all, licking the head to not waste any drop, waiting for his lover to become soft again before taking him out. They all lied on their side and Arima was about to take his boy into an embrace when Fujisaki put herself between the two, rubbing her ass against Tousei’s hard cock, nuzzling her face into the crook of Arima’s neck.

“Boys… I’ve taken a good care of you two, now take care of me, hmmm?”

None of them answered so she led Tousei’s fingers to play with her ass, sliding them inside herself, moaning against Arima’s skin. The Reaper wasn’t long to understand what she asked for and came to tease her wet hole, just enough to make himself hard again, feeling her clench around his fingers and softly scratch at his torso. When she felt she was ready, she removed Tousei’s digits out of her to guide his cock into her ass. The boy mewled when he got in and she wasn’t moving, adjusting to his size and it felt really… _Good… and hot… I need to move._ He managed not to only for Arima to push his now hard cock inside of her cunt. She screamed and panted when they were both inside of her, shivering from all this stimulation. After few seconds that felt interminable for Tousei, Arima started to settle the pace, first slow yet precise to let Tousei match his thrusts. Arima kissed the girl as he decided to go faster, muffling all her moans and pleas. Shino was trembling like a leaf, being handled by the Special class Arima this way. A way she had always thought about since she started to work at the CCG. And Tousei… Even if he was clumsier in his doing, obviously not used to take the lead in this kind of situation, he made her feel good. Arima pushed his tongue deeper in her mouth as he bucked his hips harder. She broke the kiss to suck in some air, to grunt, to pant, to moan. She was about to come at any time by now.

“A… Arima-san… Tou-Tousei-san… I’m go… gonna…”

“Come” the ultimate order, given by Arima himself “Be a good girl and come.”

The pet name got her just right and she shivered as she came hard, feeling her toes curl and herself clenching around both the men. They weren’t long to follow and almost had a synchronized orgasm, Tousei was a little early. Feeling those men fucking her through her post-coital bliss felt like the best thing that could have happened to her. They stayed a little in her before withdrawing. They cuddled a bit and Fujisaki noticed how Arima made a move to find himself in the middle and pulled both of them in an embrace. They all felt worn out and Tousei made some remark about the coffee now being cold. Surprised to get no answer, he realized Arima had already fallen asleep and Fujisaki perhaps too, her eyes were closed but he couldn’t tell more. He chose to take off the glasses off Arima’s face to put them aside on the bed table before nuzzling against his lover, sighing softly. He wasn’t long to fall asleep too wrapped with all this warmth…


	12. It's not enough, I'm not enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arima's PoV on the current situation. Arima's confused

Arima opened his eyes and everything he saw was blurred. He blinked several times. Still blurred. His hand ran onto the body he was holding, half-closing his eyes. _Tousei…_ He felt huge breast, curves, the shape of an unfamiliar naked body. _Fujisaki._ There was no one else next to him, he was alone here. With the girl. That wasn’t right. Everything was silent. That wasn’t right. Unless… was it so late already? So late Tousei already left for his field work? _Already?_ The girl at his side moved a bit, sighing.

“What will I tell Ui-san, now?” she chuckled

“Call in sick, I’ll confirm your story to your boss if needed.”

Arima sat up and put his glasses on. Better. He got up immediately before the girl could ever make a move to keep him in bed, he put back his boxers and shirt quickly, not glancing at her though he heard her make some noise from the bed.

“Tousei had to leave, you know?” she said.

Arima’s hands stop in the mid-air for a second. _Ah, is that so…_ He didn’t reply anyway, feeling a little bit confused (anxious). Bad memories of Tousei’s previous injuries kept coming to him every time the boy had to go on a mission. Arima couldn’t keep him away from his job, he didn’t even want to. But he was worried. Every time Tousei was on the field, he stayed at home, waiting for him and keeping next to him one of the boy’s shirt, trying to find comfort in the scent, trying to cast the bad luck away. He was embarrassed by it and made sure Tousei never saw him like that, never saw that weakness. He needed to be strong, he needed to make things right. He needed to…

“Kishou! You’re up!”

His mind went blank for a second when he saw his lover at the kitchen table, reading a book, probably some of Paul Auster’s he assumed, enjoying his coffee and cigarette. _And I haven’t smelt that?_ He came to pat the boy’s head before pouring himself some coffee and sat on the chair at the other end of the table.

“I thought you were gone already.”

“Honestly, I was about to. But, lucky me, you woke up before.”

Tousei closed his book and smiled. He was finishing his cigarette when Arima caught up his free hand in his, playing gently (nervously) with his fingers.

“Please be careful on your mission.”

“I will, don’t w-”

“I worry” Arima paused to gain some composure, sipping some of his coffee “I love you.”

“Kishou…” The boy blushed and tossed awkwardly his fag in the ashtray “I need to go, now.”

They both got up. Tousei was already dressed for battle, with the CCG uniform on. Even his suitcase carrying his quinque was ready. He was going to be fine, he was strong. He had become so strong, he wasn’t that weak boy who got wounded anymore. Arima sighed and accompanied him to the front door. When Tousei told him goodbye, the Reaper wrapped his arms around him in a possessive (insecure) embrace. And kissed him. Hungrily (anxiously). The coffee and burnt tobacco tasted so good on his tongue. He didn’t want to stop and knew Tousei couldn’t escape from his arms. He broke the kiss all the same. Stroked his cheek and hair tenderly (stressfully). The boy put a hand on his.

“Kishou, I won’t die. I’ve a home to get back to. I’ve somebody waiting for me. I’ll come back home. I’ll be fine, okay?”

“I’ll take care of you when you’ll be back.”

“I’ll make it quick then.”

Tousei smiled before kissing him once again. And he left. _Please don’t die._ He had to stay strong though. Fujisaki was still in the house. And showing her weakness was the least thing he wanted to do. Now Tousei was away it was easier. He just had to reach this state of mind where he felt (pretended to feel) nothing and was colder than ice. It was easy. Just thinking of unpleasant things such as… _Endless meetings at the CCG, girls hitting on me at the bar, Matsuri Washuu, those mission reports I’ve to fill…_ He got back to the kitchen pretty upset already. He found Fujisaki there, making herself breakfast, wearing some underwear and a shirt. Tousei’s shirt. That was the final blow he needed.

“Take that off” his voice was cold, that was perfect.

“Really, Arima-san?” there was something teasing in her voice.

“That’s Tousei’s shirt, take that off. Put your own clothes on if you’re cold.”

“Oh, I see.”

She sounded disappointed but undressed herself and handed him the piece of clothing anyway. Arima had to fight the urge to bury his face against the fabric to smell if Tousei’s scent was still on it. Fujisaki had to leave. Arima sat back on the chair, laying on her the coldest eyes. If she was smart enough she would get the message. But she was lingering, taking her time. Arima’s hand gripped the fabric of the shirt angrily (nervously). It felt like eternity before she came out of the bedroom dressed again. She was doing her hair when she asked him.

“Arima-san, can we discuss my case?”

“No.”

“Ahem… okay. But Ui-san is-”

“Leave me the file, I’ll write it for you. But leave me alone now. Go home.”

“Is something wrong, Arima-san?”

(My boyfriend went to put his life at risk, what do you think?) “I’m fine.”

“You worry about Tousei, don’t you? It’s completely normal, me too I-”

“Go away.”

“You shouldn’t stay alone…”

(I’m gonna kill you) “Go away.”

He sounded so cold it almost felt like a death threat. The girl said nothing more, took her things and left the house without a glance or a goodbye. When he heard the door close Arima felt finally relieved. He put off his cold mask and went at his desk, opened his files, got ready to work. And before he did so he buried his face in Tousei’s shirt, inhaling deeply, trembling, shedding some silent tears. _Please be okay…_ He was so silent when he cried, so silent it was upsetting. He cursed himself for being so weak. If he was so afraid, who would support the always-stressed Tousei? Who would provide for him? He pressured himself, he knew it. _I just want him to be strong. And if I’m not, he won’t._ He didn’t cry for long, he never cried for long. Just enough behind closed doors so his lover couldn’t see it. Just enough behind closed doors to blow some steam off. Why did Tousei have to go on the field? Why did Tousei have to work anyway? Arima earned enough money to easily support the two of them. _But if he stays home his crises will get worse from overthinking._

“Aaaah… Fuck.”

He leaned back against his seat and instead of doing his paperwork he started to wonder about Tousei. How could he do that? How could he build his lover new? What if he made him worse? What if he made him… _You asked me to be your God, Tousei. But I’m no creator, I’m just good at destroying things._


	13. I'm nothing. Please love me

How did he come back here? He couldn’t tell. He couldn’t find the logic in it. He did a great job, right? He did everything fine, didn’t he? So why was he like this, again? Why was it all so unreal? Where had gone the floor people were supposed to walk on in the first place? Was this reality? Did he belong here? Home… _Where’s home?_  
‘Go home. He doesn’t need you this way.’  
_I’m going home. I’m home._  
His hand opened the door mechanically. His hand got his coat and shoes off mechanically. He saw his hands do the job as if he was just a witness to this all. Are those mine? The world was spinning around him. He assumed he wasn’t walking straight and perhaps hitting some walls. He felt miles away from his own body. Miles away from what he saw. Home. Bed. Sleep.  
‘Go home.’  
_I’m going home. I’ll be there soon._  
‘What are you doing, Tousei?’  
_I’m on my way, can’t you see?_ He switched on some light in some alley. He stumbled upon something and ended on the floor. Well, this is why he concluded because suddenly the floor was facing him.  
‘Are you okay?’  
_Why do you even ask?_ He would like to stand up on his feet but had forgotten how to control his own body. He tried to remember how to do it. How to send the signal to this dead weight. _How do we move again? I forgot…_  
“Are you okay?”  
“Aaah… wait a sec, it’ll come back to me.”  
“What’ll come back to you?”  
“How to move again.”  
“How to… Jesus, Tousei!”  
He was on his feet again. This was a miracle. He hadn’t remembered how to move. He really wanted to but he just didn’t remember. But at least he hadn’t forgotten how to stand on these feet. _Oh I see…_ That wasn’t a miracle. Arima got him up. Maybe that was Arima who was talking to him also. Maybe… He was taken into an embrace, well that was something he assumed too because Arima’s body got against his in a non-awkward way. Tousei wanted to hold him back, to feel his warmth and presence. But he couldn’t, could he?  
“Tousei, what happened?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Nothing? Look at you, is that nothing?”  
“It is… I’m nothing… I don’t exist… It’s nothing…”  
“You exist. You’re here. You’re somebody.”  
“Why are you here, Kishou?”  
“Because I love you.”  
“This is my home…”  
“Tousei, it’s mine.”  
“Oh…”  
So he came back to Kishou’s by automatism. Great, very great. He didn’t have to see me like this again. Why did he come back here? Why didn’t he just go home like a normal person? Wait, why was he a normal person to begin with? Why did he have to be such a burden? _Why do I even exist on earth? I make Kishou worry._  
“Come here.”  
He was led by the hand. Somewhere. The bedroom. He was sat on the bed and undressed carefully. A huge shirt that wasn’t his replaced his battle suit. Arima’s face got closer to his until they touched. Obviously there was a kiss on the go. _Don’t do that. Don’t love me._ Reality was too out of reach for him to enjoy anything. To even realize anything was happening to him. Or to the people around him. He knew Arima was worried at this very moment and tried to show concern and love. Love. But Tousei’s heart was empty. And so was his head.  
“Tousei, please come back.”  
“Don’t touch me, I don’t feel anything, I can’t give it back to you.”  
“That’s not the matter.”  
“That’s the matter, it’s painful to you.”  
“Tousei, think about yourself first.”  
_Well the thing is… I don’t have a “self” anymore._ Tousei just shrugged. It seemed his movements were slowly coming back to him. Or it was a reflex that came up the right time to illustrate his inner thoughts. Arima put him to bed, bringing extra pillows to make him feel comfortable. Tousei had always loved to sleep with an incredible amount of pillows, it felt like sleeping on a cloud he once said. Once he was settled fingers came to stroke his cheek. By the slow rhythm he could tell Arima was being soft and caring. _Come on, enough with your composure. Break in front of me. Make me face the damages I’m doing to you_.  
“Kishou. You don’t have to be strong in a situation like this.”  
“Tousei…”  
“This is already fucked up, so at least be true about your feelings.”  
“Tou…sei…”  
“Please show me the Arima Kishou you’re trying to hide.”  
“You…”  
Arima got violently into the bed next to him and pulled him closer quite roughly. Tousei could say so by the noise it made. Arima’s arms were a prison and no escape was possible. Tousei asked for a confrontation but was surprised it got Kishou so close to him. He expected distance and repulsion. Cries and worries. Distance. Anger. Distance. Not those arms squeezing him as if he were about to disappear into thin air by any second.  
“Kishou, this is…”  
“I don’t understand what happens to you. All this… You completely slip through my fingers. I’ve tried being rough and possessive. I’ve tried being kind and caring. You still slip through my fingers. You’re just not here, you’re too far away and it hurts. Or you break and I want to help you but what should I do, Tousei?”  
“There’s nothing you…”  
“Tell me what to do, Tousei! You asked me to destroy you then to put you back together. Tousei, I can’t do that. I can’t. I’m not that powerful. I can’t do it, Tousei. I’m not a God. All I can do is worry and care and make you feel good with your body. But, Tousei… Tousei…” Arima cried at this point, his voice sounded wet and he stammered “I’m really afraid I could lose you if I’m not enough. Not only as a lover but as a person, also. Tousei… what if… what if you choose to end your life?”  
“No, Kishou no! I won’t kill myself!” _At least not under your care._  
“But you’ve tried it before, right? The marks on your neck…”  
“Kishou, no… I won’t be this weak again… I swear!” _I won’t do this to you!_  
Arima didn’t answer but kissed him once again. This time Tousei felt. He felt the angst, the panic and the insecurity. He felt the fear of loss. He felt he was needed. He felt he was loved. _What did I do to him?_ Tousei kissed him back, wrapping his arms around his neck. He could move again, this prison called a body was obeying him again. _What did I do to make him depend on me so much?_  
‘You’re toxic, Tousei. Your only presence makes damage.’  
_Kishou, I’m so sorry._  
‘You’ve trapped him and now he’s completely yours, are you happy now?’  
_Yes. No. You don’t get it._  
‘Owning him like this makes you feel good, doesn’t it?’  
_No, no._ He pushed hard onto Arima’s face, running his fingers through the white locks, trying to feel, to fucking feel something, him, the kiss. He felt the tears wet his face. He felt Arima’s body trembling all over. The composure was all gone. Those moments were rare. Tousei broke the kiss to get a plain look at his lover.  
“Kishou…” he stroked his face softly “Cry. Cry as much as you need.”  
Arima let himself go and cried. He cried for long. For so long. For once Tousei wasn’t the crying one. For once Tousei was the comforting one. For once Tousei was the one relied on. _Kishou, I’ll try to take care of you. I swear._  
‘Liar’ the voice answered him.


	14. Breakable, too breakable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it fate or his own doing?

Tousei made efforts. Tousei made tremendous efforts. He moved in with Arima. He packed all his things to bring them to Arima’s place. He left his own shelter. He chose to share his very privacy with his lover. Well, it wasn’t really easy at first. It was awkward to have someone around 24/7. Awkward but not unpleasant. And Arima was sweet, to be honest. Sweet without being invasive. He was here. He just was here. Sometimes he patted Tousei on the head. Sometimes he stroked softly his cheeks. Sometimes, when Tousei was about to pick a book from one of the many bookshelves he wrapped his arms around his waist from behind. But it was too awkward. A part of him wanted to be alone and never touched again. When the other part craved for physical contact so much it hurt. The paradox… Tousei had always been a walking paradox, to say the least.

            He never considered himself unhappy. He was okay with the situation. He told himself he was okay with the situation. Arima was way too close, too often for Tousei to bare. He was suffocating and he hated himself for that. _I love you, why can I stand being around you?_ He woke up almost every night, unable to breathe, his chest burning and heavy. Often he got up to walk around the dark apartment to calm down. Often when he came back to bed, Arima was awake too and asked him what was going on. Tousei was unable to lie.

“When you’re always around, I’m suffocating. But please don’t go away.”

It was the paradox of his illness. Often Arima just nodded and ran a hand in his hair to make him understand he wasn’t going anywhere. Often Tousei cried. _I am horrible. I am repulsive._ Often Tousei wondered when he’d be able to understand Arima wasn’t about to violate his intimacy.

 

            The news blew up at his face with the violence of a bomb. His proximity issues with his lover were stupid and childish next to them. That morning, Fujisaki just took him apart in some empty room. She made him sit and served him coffee. Something was different about her since quite a time but Tousei had always been unable to put a finger on what it exactly was so far. He felt cornered and trapped. He called himself a fool for mentally calling for Arima to get him out of here. Something was wrong since they had… sex, the three of them. Fujisaki was still kind but somehow distant. As if the sudden intimacy they had had wrapped everything in a shroud of awkwardness and confusion.

“We need to talk.”

God knew how much Tousei hated this sentence. It always was the beginning of troubles. _What did I do again? Where did I go wrong again? Will ever things be right? For fuck sake please leave me alone for once._

‘Fujisaki-kun is a good girl. Face what you did.’

_I don’t even know what I did…_

“Kishimoto-san, are you okay? We really need to talk.”

“Y-yeah, sorry. I’m fine. I’m listening.”

She sat carefully and played with her fingers. She looked down at her feet when she spoke.

“I am… I’m pregnant.”

“Eh what?” Tousei almost yelled.

“I am…”

“It’s okay I heard you the first time.”

Overwhelming panic invaded Tousei’s belly. Pregnant. Fujisaki… Pregnant. Was it his? Was it Arima’s? Did Arima know? What would he think about it when he’d know? What to do? How? Did he have to do something? Can’t she just get rid of it? Tousei hated children and never wanted to have some on his own. And since he was attracted by men it was obvious the perspective not even stroke him. _No way, she gotta be kidding me…_

‘Tousei, my boy, you’re about to be a father.’

_No way. Just the fuck up._

‘You’re about to bring into this world a cute little baby.’

_This is not gonna happen._

‘He’ll be as fucked up as his own father. You’ll bring in a fucked up life…’

_I’ll bring in no life!_

‘Mentally ill people shouldn’t even conceive…’

_I didn’t even want to! Wake me up!_

‘This is reality, Tousei.’

_Save me from it… I wanna use._

“Kishimoto-san?”

Tousei was literally crying. His entire body was trembling. He couldn’t ignore the nasty thoughts in his head, he couldn’t ignore the knot in his stomach, he couldn’t ignore how bad he wanted to think and feel nothing, he couldn’t ignore there were few pills in his drawer, hidden under tons of to-do reports. This couldn’t be true. This just couldn’t be true. He didn’t have to escape if it weren’t even true.

“Kishimoto-san? Do you feel well?”

“Leave me alone! Leave me the fuck alone! Why did you do that? Why are you doing this to me?”

“Ki…shimoto… san…”

“Why? Why? Why now? Why the fuck now?”

He didn’t realize he was yelling. He didn’t realize he lost control over his self. The control over his limbs. The control over his voice. The control over his thoughts. The control over his own reality. _No, no, no, no, no!_

‘You need it.’

_No!_

‘You definitely need it.’

_I can’t, I mustn’t… Kishou._

‘You are terrible…’

_I am terrible._

‘You are repulsive.’

_I am repulsive._

 

Blink. _What happened?_ Blink. _It’s not like I can remember a thing._ Blink. _It’s not even like I do belong here._ Blink. _It’s soft. It’s warm._ The ceiling was facing him and it seemed to wave a bit, to come closer and further. Closer and further. Closer and further… Closer and… _Aaah. What did I do? Please tell me what did I do?_

‘You did what you had to do, my sweet sweet child.’

_I see. Where am I?_

‘Don’t you feel it?’

_Feel what? Is there even something I need to feel? No. I don’t need to feel anything. Feeling hurts._

‘Feel it. Trust me.’

He closed his eyes again. Everything felt so distant. Everything felt so light. It was comfy where he was but he knew for sure he was tricked. He just had to try to remember everything back. Before… before… _One, two, buckle my shoe._ _Three, four? Don’t say five…_

‘You’ve been reasonable, my child.’

 _You mean… Three, right?_ He didn’t try not to recall that. Before. What happened before? He yelled at Fujisaki, yes. He got up and slammed the door, yes. He rushed to his desk, yes. He grabbed his… package, let’s say package. Somewhere. He went somewhere to do the thing. He had to be somewhere to do the thing. Somewhere locked. Bathroom? No. Bathroom was too cliché, and the first place they were about to check. And it obviously didn’t look like a bathroom here. Too grey. Too cold. Too impersonal. Where? But where? _Move your head. See the surroundings._ Shelves. Files. Some storage room. With a couch. There was a couch. He was on a couch. Where the fuck was he? He didn’t recall being in such a room before. He didn’t even recall the CCG having such a room. The archives, maybe.

“So here you are…”

He looked up. _Kishou._ He looked down. _My eyes are still…_

“Why are you hiding here?”

“I…” Tousei’s voice was really sloppy and hoarse. Water. He needed water. “Fujisaki…kun…”

“Fujisaki-kun? What about her?”

He could barely feel Arima sitting next to him and moving the bangs away from his eyes. Distant… so distant… Him, this, everything. Too distant.

“She is with child.”

“She told you.”

“Did you know?”

“Of course. I told her not to tell you. I guess she didn’t listen.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew you’d end up like this, Tousei. You don’t need a child. I don’t want a child.”

“Even if it’s yours?”

“It can’t be mine.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”

“So it’s mine.”

“You can’t know that for sure.”

“But…”

“Sssh...” Arima put a finger on Tousei’s lips.

“Kishou?”

“Fujisaki is not asking for anything. I guess she just wanted you to know about it.”

“Wh-what?”

“It’s not our concern anymore, Tousei.”

“Kishou?”

“Yes?”

“You know I love you, right? You know I give myself completely to you, you know that?”

“Of course, I know.”

Arima bent down to kiss him. For Tousei it felt like the sweetest kiss he ever received in his entire life. So careful and almost hesitant.

“Come on, Tousei. I’ll take you home.”


	15. If you fall I'm here for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Arima's PoV on this one

“Why did you tell him?” Arima said, making sure to put coldness and murderous intentions in his tone.

“Ah… A-Arima-san… I…”

Tousei never left the bed since he learnt the news. Tousei was the target of many panic attacks and woke up in the middle of the night screaming. _‘What if the baby is just like me? What if it’s just fucked up? Nobody deserves that, nobody! Nobody nobody nobody!’_ He yelled and yelled and yelled until he was too tired and fell back asleep out of exhaustion. Arima could kill her right now, her and her stupid unborn child. He warned her. He knew. He knew Tousei would be overwhelmed by it. But it was even more violent than expected and his lethal vibes were hard to refrain now she was standing in front of him.

“You exactly know what I mean.”

“I just… thought he had the right to know.”

“No, he didn’t. You did so much damage. But of course you don’t care about that.”

“No, no! I like Tousei so much and…”

“You should have listened to me. Now Tousei is anxious.”

“I don’t understand…”

Tousei barely slept and ate. Tousei shivered all the time. Even when Arima tried to touch him he was frightened and let always escape a little scream. Often he stared in blank and was mumbling incoherent things. Well, things Arima didn’t understand at least. _‘Not like my father. Not like my mother. Not them. Not them. I’ll be good. It’ll be good. Good… So good. A good boy. A good little boy…’_ This sounded like his past but it wasn’t exactly the right time to talk about bad memories. Or maybe was it? Maybe Tousei would feel better if he spoke it out. But right now Tousei was… a mess. Such a mess Arima was afraid he could do something wrong. And it was her fault. _Hers!_ And all that because… because…

“Fujisaki… Tousei is afraid the child could be very much like him. Sick.”

“I never…!”

“I know. You didn’t know. Tousei never speaks about it, you couldn’t even know.”

“You should have told me…”

“I thought it was too private to tell.”

“I understand but… Oh my god what did I do?”

“Fujisaki-kun…”

Of course she couldn’t know. Of course it was entirely Arima’s fault for not telling her Tousei’s real condition. Of course she had the right to keep the child. Of course she just wanted to be honest by telling him he may be the father. Of course…

“Arima-san…”

“It’s okay… It doesn’t mean the child is going to have the same illness.”

“Well…” she dropped her mask and smirked “Even if it does… I’m okay with that…”

“You…”

She smiled sadly. She truly was pained by her own actions, he could tell. He should have told her. He should have told her everything. Tousei wouldn’t be so devasted. _No, that’s a lure._ Tousei’s balance was always on the verge of breaking down. Of course those news were obviously the push he needed to completely lose control but… _That or another, Tousei was going to break anyway. Now I’ve to fix him again. I don’t know how to fix people._ Did he just have to wrap his arms around him and tell him everything was going to be alright? Tousei wasn’t worrying about the child. At least not only. It triggered something more painful in him. And Arima wasn’t even sure he was ready to face it. Arima wasn’t even sure he was ready to see how much in pain he was.

“Arima-san?”

“I’m sorry, Fujisaki-kun. This is entirely my fault.”

“But…”

“Don’t feel guilty. It’s all on me.”

Yes. He was the one who had to take care of Tousei, after all.

 

“Tousei!” he almost yelled slamming the door “Tousei, where are you?” he added quickly removing his shoes “Tousei!”

The boy never answered but he could here his incoherent mumbling coming from the bathroom. He opened the door. Tousei was sitting on the floor, his knees against his chest, rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. There was cuts on his left arms and blood on the floor. _Oh no… why did you?_ It felt the world was falling into pieces. _I made you… I made you…_

“I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good”

“Tousei, stop.”

“I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good”

“Tousei…”

He kneeled down and wrapped his arms around the boy softly. He stroked his hair. He kissed his temple. Oh he was shivering… He felt like crying. _I don’t like it, Tousei._

“Yes, you’re good Tousei. You’re very good.”

“Don’t hit me if I’m good… Please don’t…”

These words, again. He took Tousei’s face in his hands to look at him. There was panic in his eyes. And maybe… _Did you get high as well?_

“I’ll never hit you, Tousei.”

“Don’t hit me, daddy! Don’t hit me, mommy!”

Ah this again. Of course it was very obvious for him to understand. An abused child who was afraid to become the abuser. So Tousei chose to become the abused one again. So at least he would never abuse someone. _I don’t like it, Tousei._ But how do you take care of such a child? What to say? What to do? Why oh why was he so powerless? Wasn’t he called a god? Wasn’t he regarded as non-human? Couldn’t he… do something? Really, no? Could he not? Did he have to watch him fall? _God but a death god, watching people falling like autumn leaves, this is what you do._

“Tousei… I’m not your dad. I’m not your mom. I would never, I would never…”

He hugged him more. What to do? What to do? _You reap what you sow, shouldn’t you know that, Reaper?_

“I would never… because I love you…”

_You sowed death. Now it’s time to reap death._


	16. Doc... I'm dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arima's PoV still

_This is not sex._ No matter how many times he actually repeated it to himself it was still hard to believe. He wasn’t even sure that was a good idea. _This is a cure._ But how could he make Tousei feels right in his body otherwise? He barely ate, he barely slept, shower was almost a synonym for torture. So the only solution was… _Even if it’s forced, at least he’ll feel something. Something positive._ He wasn’t really sure but perhaps… Perhaps it’d do the boy good.

“Kishou… Please, no…”

The pleas when his arms and legs were tied to the bed. _I’m sorry._ Arima knew Tousei was about to refuse him otherwise, that he would curl up into some firmly closed ball, that he wouldn’t be reachable again. _I really am sorry._ Now Tousei was naked Arima could see he had lost too much weight and hurt his body too much. Pain and suffering. Those were the only things he had felt during those past few weeks. This needed to stop. Tousei had to reconquer his own body. Arima hoped he could help. He got up on the bed and towered the boy. Arima was still dressed and intended to stay like that the entire session. This wasn’t about him. This wasn’t even about them. This was about making Tousei feel his own body again. _This is not sex._ Arima leaned down to kiss him. He went slowly, very slowly. Putting his lips on the boy’s half-open ones, sliding slowly his tongue alongside his, kissing him slowly, very slowly. Taking his time. Taking all the time in the world. He cupped Tousei’s face while kissing him and rubbed slowly his thumbs on the cheeks. _Feel yourself, Tousei. You exist._ Arima had to fight back the urge to go faster, to turn it into something it wasn’t. _This is not sex._ Slowly, just very slowly he removed his face to look into Tousei’s eyes. He saw only confusion in them. _This is a cure._

“Ki… Kishou… What are you doing?”

“Don’t talk.”

“Kishou!”

A tinge of panic in his voice. That couldn’t really be helped, right? He didn’t explain anything to him. He just got him naked, tied him up and kissed him. Of course Tousei should be confused. But if Arima had talked about it, Tousei would have refused for sure. Arima massaged his skin in circles. Slowly, really really slowly. The only purpose was to touch. To make the boy feel. He started with the neck and then the shoulders. He massaged the arms, he massaged the chest, the torso and the abs. He put his hands on Tousei’s back and massaged there too. He massaged his waist and massaged his thighs. His legs and his feet as well. Tousei’s breathing had speeded up under his touch.

“Ki-shou! Stop teasing, just fuck me…”

“No.”

His voice was firm. This wasn’t sex. He had to be strong enough not to make Tousei turn this into sex. This was just touching. The reacceptance of one’s own body. The reconquest. Arima’s pleasure had no room here. This was about Tousei. And Tousei only. He kept touching him, making sure he’d stroke every inch of the skin except for his sensitive spots. He didn’t want to tease. Just to touch. Just to make him feel himself again.

“Stop that…” The boy was crying “Fuck me… just fuck me.”

“No.”

“But this is… so wrong.”

Arima stopped massaging his feet and came to look at him straight in the eyes. Tears were falling out of his eyes, rolling down. Arima bent down to kiss his cheek. Very very softly. The boy kept sobbing and twitched his restrained wrists.

“It’s not wrong, Tousei.” He hugged him “Not wrong at all.” He leaned closer to whisper in his ear “You have the right to feel pleasure.”

“I… Fuck me…”

“No.”

Arima started stroking Tousei’s back again, slowly, softly, trying to make it as non-sexual as possible. Though it could feel the boy was hard. And himself too. Arima nuzzled his face in the crook of Tousei’s neck and massaged his shoulders.

“Just feel my touch, Tousei. Feel your own body. Feel your existence.”

“But daddy…”

“No roleplay, Tousei. Feel yourself.” Arima kissed his collarbone tenderly.

“I…” Tousei was panting hard “I won’t hold back for long so… just fuck me…”

“Tousei…” Arima stroked his hair “You don’t understand. This is not about having sex. It’s about you. And your body.”

“M-me? And my… body?”

Arima nodded and went back at massaging his back. Tousei who was so tensed started to relax. His eyes were now closed, he seemed to have understood the meaning of all this. He softly whispered Arima’s name as the older massaged his belly. The boy squirmed and let escape a soft moan.

“Ki-Kishou, st-stop I’m gonna…”

“Accept your body, accept your physical reactions. If you feel like coming, just do.”

“Ki-shou!”

He didn’t need more. Arima actually expected it to happen. He wanted it to happen. When Tousei spread white on his belly, he was somehow happy. It felt like ages since he saw Tousei’s eyes clouded with lust, Tousei’s face blushing from pleasure. He felt like his Tousei was back. It felt like everything was normal again. The boy twitched his tied wrists again.

“Kishou…?”

“Yes?”

“Please free my hands. I wanna touch you.”

“Tousei, this is not…”

“I got it. We’re not having sex. We’re just… making me feel… things. And I wanna feel… you.”

“Tousei…”

Arima did as asked and untied those wrists. He had been gentle, no marks would be left. Tousei was in a hurry. He ruffled Arima’s hair hastily, crushed his lips on Arima’s, kissed him hungrily. This wasn’t what the Reaper wanted but he let him do it all the same. He couldn’t expect Tousei not to rush it. Every feeling Tousei ever had was overwhelming and violent. But Tousei wasn’t being sexual either. He just gripped on Arima and kissed him a bit roughly. As if he didn’t want to let him go anymore.

“I need you…” Tousei whispered “I need to feel you…”

“I know.”

“Come closer.”

“Tousei, I…” Arima was aroused. He could somehow ignore it himself but if he pressed his body against Tousei’s… _This is a cure. Not sex._ “I am…”

“I know. I don’t care. Please come closer.”

“Tousei…”

“Please, you feel like miles away.”

 _Shit._ No way he could resist that plea, no way he could resist that voice. He came closer, pressing their bodies together, feeling Tousei starting to remove his top. _Tousei, this is not about me, this is not about us._ Felling the boy kissing his naked chest. _Tousei, no. Stop._ Feeling the boy touching his back slowly and softly. _This is…_ Feeling the boy getting him rid of his pants as well, touching his hips, his thighs. _I want you._ They kissed again, rolling their hips alongside each other’s. Slowly, very slowly. Taking their time to feel… _It’s going the wrong way._

“Tousei…” Arima broke the kiss, panting “Not like that.”

“Kishou… I need you… I need to feel you… inside of me.”

“I won’t fuck you, Tousei. This is not the solution.”

“Then, make love to me.”

 _Make love? Is there a difference?_ Arima opened his mouth to answer but Tousei went on.

“Keep this slow and gentle pace you’ve settled from the beginning if you want but… Kishou… when you’re…” Tousei blushed “in me… I feel completely alive.”

 _Alive?_ Arima’s heart beat faster in his chest. _Then I’ll make you feel alive._ He kissed him again and now touched him in a sexual way. Though he kept it slow and gentle. He pumped Tousei’s hard again dick and could feel the boy moan in the kiss, as if asking for more. _I love you, Tousei._ He spread open Tousei’s legs despite his still tied feet and started teasing his hole with his fingers. Slowly. Softly. He could feel Tousei’s cock twitch. More moans were swallowed in a kiss. Arima pushed a finger in, and took his time. Tousei was shivering under his touch, he looked so beautiful and… good. Keeping it slow and gentle was hard to bare but the way Tousei arched and panted and…

“Mmm… Ki-shou…” This “You’re so… good to me…” He’d die for this.

“I love you. You deserve the best” he whispered adding another finger and stretching his inside.

“Ah! Ki…” Tousei’s voice died in his throat “Get in…side!”

“Be patient.”

“But I’m gonna… Ah!”

“I told you already, accept your reactions. Don’t hold back” he said as sliding another finger, gently playing with his prostate until the boy came again with a loud moan.

Arima knew it wasn’t enough. He knew Tousei needed more than that to feel alive. It was turning sexual. Too sexual. But could it be avoided? Could he make his lover feel pleasure in his body in a non-sexual way? He didn’t now. Tousei seemed to be happy now, he seemed at ease with his body. At ease with his reality. That only matters, Arima thought as he positioned the head of his cock against Tousei’s hole. He bucked his hips and got all inside. Tousei arched and screamed. _Fuck… I was careless._ He brought the boy is a close embrace and kissed his neck.

“Sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“It’s… fine.”

“Tousei, please.”

“I’m… good. Just… it’s been quite a time. I’m not… hurt.”

He was lying. Tousei was obviously lying. But Arima understood he wouldn’t talk about it anyway. He started moving, slowly, softly, stroking Tousei while he was doing him. The boy wrapped his arms around Arima’s neck and moaned and moved his hips alongside his lover’s slow thrusts. _But…_

“Kishou…”

Arima was close and he stroked Tousei faster, making the boy come for the third time as he released himself inside of him. He stayed in a little while, looking at his lover’s face. Tousei seemed happy but different also. _Is he… disappointed?_

“Tousei?”

“I am sorry, Kishou” the boy was avoiding eye-contact “You were good and everything but… I guess I need the pain after all.”

“Tousei…”

“I’m sorry. I know you’re trying. And I tried too. I had pleasure. I felt alive. But not… quite.”

“Tousei…”

He hugged him closer, fighting back his tears. It wasn’t sex. It was a cure. But cures aren’t always working.


	17. Rise and shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You gave yourself to me

Tousei felt warmth when he woke up. He couldn’t really tell where his body started or ended. It felt like he had melted into the bed, transformed into a big orb of pure warmth. He blinked several times. It was pitch black in the room. It enhanced the idea of pure warmth. _I’m nowhere. I’m nobody. I’m nothing._ It took some time for his sensations to come back to him. Soon he was able to sense the clothing of the bed sheets against his skin. Soon he was able to perceive the frontier between his body and the rest. Soon he was able to feel Arima’s head nuzzled in the crook of his neck. His arms firmly wrapped around Tousei’s waist. He was still asleep. Tousei had his arms around Arima’s shoulders and he was playing with the white locks of his hair. Holding him like that made Tousei’s heart both warm and hurt in his chest. _He looks so fragile. So breakable._ Arima needed him, that was obvious to him now. And he… he was… he was… _I’m so selfish, only thinking about myself in great outbursts of anxiety._ Tousei kissed Arima on his forehead softly. Their relationship had changed so much, Arima couldn’t pretend to be the man in control anymore. As if there was something in Tousei that made all his composure go away in a second. Thinking back of those days, of their first time, everything became clear for Tousei. _I was wrong since the very beginning. He never tried to make me his. He was desperately giving himself to me._

‘He took you by force.’

_I agreed to everything though. He needed to possess me at first._

‘See? He took you…’

_He needed to possess me to better surrender to me. He needed to build a safe place out of me to allow himself weakness. In my presence, by my side. I don’t belong to him, he belongs to me._

‘Don’t pretend you’re in control now.’

_No, I’m not. Control is an illusion._

‘You can’t protect him. You can’t even protect your own self.’

_I’ll try. I’ve survived so far. There’s no reason I can’t go on._

‘And what about the baby?’

_I’ve voiced my concern but now there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s mostly Shino’s decision and who am I to tell her what to do with her own body? And I’m not my father, I’m not my mother. I won’t do the same mistakes._

‘And what about…’

_Stop talking. It’s no use. I’ll live for him, I’ll be strong for him. I’ll be his shelter. I’ll be everything he needs. He’ll be my reason to carry on._

‘Tousei… you’ve finally grown up.’

Tousei held Arima a bit tighter. He was pretty sure he could do it. He was pretty sure he could protect him. He was strong after all, he had lived with his issues for so many years, with no one to hold onto. He watched Arima sleep for a while, his face at peace. Tousei flashed a smile. Yes, he was sure he could do it. There was no room for failure anyway, Kishou needed someone to hold onto. _And he’s already holding on me so much, if I let go now he’ll just crumble down. This is not what I want._ For a God, the CCG Grim Reaper proved himself to be weak after all. But wasn’t it the Death God’s paradox, to be the one bringing death but to be afraid of dying in the same time? _You’ve got nothing to fear, Kishou_. Tousei covered him better with the sheets. _I’ll take care of everything from now on._

‘Tousei… I’m so proud of you.’

 

            Tousei was unstoppable. He did all the work he could do, sometimes even if he dissociated he kept doing work. He could watch his hands fillings mission reports he was late on. He could see himself running in the corridors not to waste any second. He could work. He could do it. He was actually doing it already. It was a good job. He was doing a good job. He could keep moving, he knew that. He knew he had this strength in him. He could do it because nobody else could. He was important. He was unique. He was wanted and loved. He realized that now. It was all crystal-clear.

‘Tousei… I’m so proud of you.’

A fool, motivating his self like this. Really, his head wasn’t doing better. But his head was doing enough. Yes. He’d do such an amount of good work. He’d do…

“Kishimoto-kun, watch out!”

Ihei caught him as he was about to run into her. True, he wasn’t paying much attention to his surroundings. He just wanted to get this silly job done so he could go to Arima and take care of him and… His mood was high, very high. Maybe too high to be true. He didn’t care, really. He was feeling good, too good. He had a purpose. _I need to do it. I need to do it when I’m still in this good mood. It’s so intense it’ll quickly fade away._ Ihei was giving him a strange look. Of course, he had been absent for quite a time and the reason was “depressive episode” so she should be surprised to see him run all over the place like a too joyful child.

“Kishimoto-kun, what’s wrong with you today?”

“I’m just… I’m just so late at everything. All this work needs to be done. And I’m so late, so so late. Ihei-san, please let me through.”

“Kishimoto-kun, you’re not fooling anybody. Calm down. Take it easy. This works is on hold since weeks you don’t have to finish it all today.”

“Ihei-san, I…”

“Go take a cigarette break now.”

“I can’t, I must give this to Ui-san and then…”

“Ui is on his smoke break too. Go take yours. It’s an order, Kishimoto-kun.”

“Y-yes, Ihei-san.”

Tousei just dropped the file on his desk and took the elevator down to go out for a smoke. Really, he wasn’t even realizing he needed one before Ihei told him. Something was really weird about his mood, today. As she said, Ui was standing in the smoking area, his eyes starring at the blue sky. He seemed to be caught in his own thinking so Tousei just managed a polite good afternoon before lighting himself a cigarette. _Wow it feels… weird._ When he blew out the smoke, it felt like he was blowing away all his motivation and excitement. _I feel really tired all of a sudden. This is…_ This wasn’t the first time, actually. Tousei feared it ended up this way. _Now I just want to sleep._ He shook his head. _Nuh-uh tonight I’m making dinner for Kishou. I wonder what he’d like to eat…_ His mind started to feel miles away again, his reality started to fade again, wrapped itself in a clouded shroud of dreamlike fuzziness. Tousei closed his eyes. _This… again…_ It wasn’t unpleasant, really. It was smooth and almost warm and… _Yes. I’m good. This feels very good._ He tossed his fag and was about to get back to work when Ui stopped him.

“Kishimoto, Arima wants to see you.”

“Ah, I see… Thanks.” _Why does he want to see me? Is he okay?_ “By the way, Ui-san, I’ve some reports I need to give you for review and…”

“Just give them to Hairu, don’t worry over such formalities. Just… go to see Arima, it seemed to be pretty urgent.”

“Ah!” _Urgent? Is he okay? Is he okay? Is he…_ “Th-thank you so much, Ui-san!”

Tousei had already started to walk his way to the building when he got stopped again.

“Hey, Kishimoto!”

“Y-yeah?” Tousei shyly looked back.

“Please, be soft on him. He looked terrible for the past few weeks. Don’t apologize! You didn’t choose to get on a depression spree. He just needs to rest now.”

“I understand, Ui-san. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of him.”

“Kishimoto, I…”

“Don’t worry, Ui-san.” Tousei flashed a smile. “I’ll take care of him from now.”


	18. I'll be your light in the mist

“Kishou, you asked for me?” Tousei’s voice was trembling. And he called his superior by his first name. _Great._ Though their relationship wasn’t exactly a secret, Tousei didn’t want it to pervade their work.

‘You’re a hypocrite, it all started at work.’

_That’s not a reason._

Arima was at his desk and looked up when he heard the boy coming in without even knocking. He slightly smiled when he saw how concerned he was. This was so cute, really. Tousei was overflowing with so much love and kindness it was almost painful. He said nothing for a while, just looking as Tousei closed the door and sat on the chair before the desk. Arima rearranged his files and brought his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“I’m fine Tousei, calm down.”

“Re-really?” His face seemed so relieved all of a sudden. _I’m glad…_ He couldn’t refrain a yawn as his anxiety dropped. “So-sorry…”

“Are you tired?” Arima asked as he reached his hand for Tousei to take. Which Tousei did, and he entwined their fingers together.

“I’m good. I just worked a lot since everything got late because of my… absence.” He looked down in embarrassment. “Why do you need me, Kishou?”

“Maybe I just wanted to see you.”

“S-stop!”

Tousei blushed and gave Arima a shy look. The man was smiling and he moved away his hand from Tousei’s only to move his seat away from the desk. He was about to get up but the boy was faster and ended in Arima’s lap, cuddling and curling himself onto the man’s chest. _You feel comforting somehow… But you’re the one who needs comfort._ Arima just held him close, kissing him on the top of the head and stroking his hair softly. They said nothing for a while, just staying into each other’s arms. Tousei closed his eyes. He was tired, so tired he could fall asleep here. Arima smelt so nice and was so warm and when he was holding him close like this, it was… _No! I can’t sleep! I said I’d take care of him!_

“Hmmm… Kishou…” he moaned with an already sleepy voice “What do you need me for?”

“I just needed to see you.”

“Don’t lie… we saw this morning, what was the emergency?” Tousei nuzzled Arima’s neck and gave it a peck.

The man hesitated a second but leaned back onto his chair again, looking by the window. _Is it something hard to say? But he doesn’t seem stressed, his heartbeat is quite normal. What is that, Kishou? You’re playing with me now?_ The stroking on his hair was a bit possessive when he was brought into a sudden and rough kiss. Their teeth shocked and Arima’s tongue forced its way it, rubbing against Tousei’s. The boy moaned, he liked it when Arima was giving in to such outbursts. _He needs me._ He kissed him back but it was hard to follow such a quick and possessive pace. _He needs me so much he can’t let me go._ He tugged on the man’s shirt and shifted to a more comfortable position. He was now straddling his lover, his hands on the man’s shoulders. Arima pulled him closer, gripping his hair, gripping his waist. A little too much… Tousei felt hot suddenly. _Shit, really? He always turns me on when he’s rough to me._ He heard his inner voice was about to start but shut it up. _When he shows me how bad he needs me, and he needs me now._ He broke the kiss to breathe, really where did Kishou always find all that energy to kiss him like that all the time?

“Aaah… Kishou…”

“Don’t talk, please don’t talk.”

Tousei wasn’t sure but it felt like he heard despair in his voice. As asked, he said nothing and just leaned down for another kiss. He didn’t even say a word when Arima’s hand started to wander under his clothing, touching his bare skin in desperate need. _What were you thinking about, Kishou? I’m not going anywhere._ Tousei wasn’t even sure he wanted sex, it was so messy and confused. _You just want to feel me? Or do you want me to do more? I don’t know what you’re thinking…_ Tousei wasn’t very aware he was rubbing himself against his lover shamelessly, too focused on trying to read the man to be conscious of his own doing. He felt him smile against his lips and seemed to finally realize. He blushed and pulled away.

“Sorry, Kishou… I got carried away.”

“It’s fine…” Arima said in a low seductive voice as he gripped Tousei’s ass “I know you’re a naughty boy already” he whispered in his ear before biting softly the earlobe.

“Don’t worry…” Tousei purred as he trailed kisses on Arima’s jaw “I’ll take care of you…” his hand went to cup Arima’s hard crotch in the palm of his hand, he rubbed it gently “Such a good care of you.”

“Tou-Tousei, I’d like to but… stop!” Arima almost yelled when the boy sucked on his neck “I-I’ve someone waiting to meet y-you… Fuck Tousei! He’ll be here s-soon, you need to stop.”

“Ki-Kishou! Why did you tease me like this then?”

“I… wasn’t thinking…”

“Bullshit!”

Tousei’s voice was angry and it wasn’t a fake. He got up and tucked his shirt back in his trousers. Really, he had probably the most awkward boner of his entire life, this was so noticeable it’d take only few minutes for that person to notice and then realize he was actually interrupting something. He sat with rage, hoping this intense anger would calm him down, at least down there but he was hoping for too much. He could only picture himself slamming Arima against that wall as he was undoing Arima’s belt, pulling down his pants, taking him in his mouth… He bit his lower lip really hard. _What the fuck are you thinking about, Tousei? What the actual fuck?_

 

“I’m Sasaki Haise, pleased to meet you.”

Really that man was just so cute Tousei felt terribly wrong to think about giving Arima an angry blowjob. But this was such a hot idea though, he could easily picture the man almost begging him to stop in a moan of pleasure. _Stop!_ He bit his lower lip. He should get up really. Get up and shake his hand, greet him and such. He seemed nice, he was shy and acted cute. His hair had an interesting color. _I’d get up but… why am I always so horny?_ Anyway, he crossed that line. This Sasaki Haise was probably too shy to look at Tousei _there_ and if he actually did for some reason, he wouldn’t say something embarrassing, would he?

“Kishimoto Tousei, pleased to meet you as well.”

They shook hands. _Yes, it’s going well. He seems to be a good person._ Sasaki was wearing such a bright smile. Tousei didn’t know someone could actually glow that much just by a smile. His only presence had something comforting. Tousei couldn’t tell why but he felt very at ease around this person. That was a first. Even being at ease with Arima required time.

“Kishimoto-san… Arima-san told me a lot about you…”

“Oh?” Tousei raised an eyebrow in surprise and glanced at Arima. “I feel honored.”

“He told me about… your relationship… I feel happy, for you two. I mean…”

“You don’t have to say anything, Sasaki-san. But I appreciate.” This was probably the first time Tousei said those words and meant them. There was something about this man… he couldn’t tell why but it was good. _It’d be nice if we could be friends._

‘Don’t be silly. You don’t know how to make friends.’

_I could try. I’ve such a good feeling, I’ll feel like I’m missing something if I don’t try._

‘You’ll get hurt if you try.’

_I didn’t get hurt with Kishou._

‘Kishou isn’t your friend. And he hurt you anyway.’

_That’s a lie._

‘Come on! A guy like you can’t have a lover and friends. It’ll get your head all messed up and your feelings too.’

_Stop…_

‘You always try to flee when I’m right…’

_Stop!_

“Kishimoto-san, are you okay?”

Oh jeez he was even so cute when he peered at Tousei’s face. _I must have stared in blank. Again. Fuck, I’m so tired._ He was so tired and dissociated he barely realized his body has calmed down as well. He just wanted this day to end. _He seems like a nice person but I’m not. I’m a selfish psycho bitch and I wanna go home with Kishou._

“I’m fine…” he said in a whisper “It just had been a very long day.”

“You should rest, Kishimoto-san. Arima-san told me you were sick lately.”

“Please call me Tousei. And drop the honorific, I’m not really comfortable with that.”

“Tousei-kun then?”

“It’ll do.”

“So call me Haise, okay?”

“Fine with me.”

He felt like he sounded so distant, as if he didn’t care. But this smile… Oh this smile. It made Tousei’s heart flutter.

 

“What do you think of him?”

“Mmm?”

Arima was driving and just got Tousei off his thoughts. _What? Who? Shit I didn’t listen at all._ Though Arima didn’t seem to notice, at least he made no remark about it.

“What do you think of Haise?” he repeated calmly as he focused on the road.

“He’s interesting. And cute. He seems to have real respect for you.”

“He said once I was like a father to him.”

“A father…”

Silence fell upon them as Arima kept driving. Tousei stared at him. He was cute when he was focused on the road. His gestures were all quick and never hesitant. Tousei looked at his hands on the wheel. He looked at him. _A father…_ He repeated in his mind, too afraid of what was lurking behind this thought. _I haven’t called him that way since so long._ He extended a hand to stroke this pure white hair. Arima tensed. He didn’t like being touched when he was driving.

“Sorry!” Tousei apologized as he withdrew his hand “I forgot…”

“No worries.” Arima reduced the speed and turned the wheel “Are you okay? You seem out. Are you dissociating perhaps?”

“I’m… fine. Just tired.”

“About Haise…” Arima paused as he crossed some intersection “Would you mind… mentoring him, with me? I’m not sure I can do it alone.”

“Me?” Tousei almost yelled in surprise “I can’t even handle myself, Kishou!”

“But you can handle the others, you’re so good at… handling me.”

“Si-Silly!” Tousei blushed for the lewd act his lover just implied. “But I’ll… think about it okay? I’m not saying yes yet.”

“Thank you, Tousei. Haise is someone important to me.”

They stayed silent until they reached home. _Well, Kishou… He’s already someone important to me too._

 

‘Don’t do that, Tousei!’

‘But it’s too late! Too late!’


	19. I can make everything okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT /!\  
> I'm going on a hiatus for the two maybe three following weeks, because of Xmas and New Year Eve with my family, stay safe everyone <33

_Fuck!_ Tousei was lying on his back on the bed. He was watching the ceiling. He was staring at the ceiling. Hoping listing all the defaults of this so white ceiling would help him calm down. He couldn’t… He just couldn’t. He was trembling all over, his head was all confused, his heart was all messed up. He didn’t know. He really didn’t know. _Why? I was so sure few days ago._

‘I warned you…’

_Shut up!_

‘I told you you’d be like this, disgusting horny little boy.’

_It’s not… my fault._

‘Oh and whose fault is that, hmmm? His? No, it’s you and only you!’

_No…_

‘Come on… I know how you looked at him. He’s really cute, right I can’t really blame you. But… aren’t you…?’

_Stop. You know I’ve always been embarrassed around people I find beautiful or attractive._

‘You find him attractive?’

_That doesn’t mean I’m unfaithful._

‘There’s only one step though…’

_Enough!_

Tousei rubbed his eyes, his forehead, passed his hands in his hair. He let out confused noises, he wanted to yell. No, he wasn’t attracted to Haise, not the way he was attracted to Arima. At least he guessed. Of course Tousei’s heart was beating wild when Haise was around and Tousei had allowed Haise to hug him several times but… that didn’t mean anything. Tousei’s feelings had always be too much, he gave himself completely in each relationship he ever had. And that included friendships. He had been hurt so much in the past because of this. He had given too much of him and received too little attention and caring in return. The problem was… Haise was beautiful. Like _really_ beautiful. He looked like Arima somehow, but with finer features. _But finding someone beautiful is not cheating, I must stop torturing myself._ He shouldn’t have said yes to Arima’s proposal. He should have listened to his inner voice. He actually hadn’t something wrong but…

‘Something wrong _yet_.’

He was too afraid of himself to actually think straight. He startled when he heard the door closing in a slam and Arima saying he was home. He got up all the same and rushed to him with a big forced smile.

“Welcome back, Kishou.”

“You…” Arima calmly said as he took off his coat and shoes “You were overthinking stuff again, weren’t you?”

“Perhaps…” Tousei looked down in embarrassment.

“Silly…” Arima patted his head softly “You’re doing really good, I’m glad you agreed to help me with Haise. He’s so happy… and so am I.”

“Kishou…”

 _Why are you doing this to me? This is already so hard._ Tousei just wrapped his arms around Arima, saying nothing. Of course Arima was proud, he didn’t know anything about Tousei’s struggle, he was just thinking it was some form of social anxiety. Because Haise was very talkative and tactile as well.

“I’m proud of your good work, Tousei…”

_Kishou, stop._

“Haise likes you, you know. He told me so.”

_Enough._

“He’s happy to have you around. He thinks you’re a really nice person.”

_You need to stop, now._

“He told me to thank you for everything.”

_Crap._

‘Haise likes you.’

_I heard._

‘He said that Haise likes you.’

_And? I like Haise too._

‘You’re screwed. You know you can’t _like_ , you know you can’t _love_. You can only get obsessed.’

_I love Kishou._

‘This obsession lasts a little longer than the others, it’s true but it’s coming to an end now. We both know that.’

_You’re wrong. You were wrong before, you are still wrong._

‘I’m right and you’re fleeing. We both know you can’t love…’

_Watch me._

‘This is no act of love…’

_I said… watch me!_

 

“Tousei, what are you…”

He grabbed Arima by the collar and silenced him with a kiss. _Watch me, I’ll show you how much I can love._ Arima was too surprised to kiss him right back and he awkwardly put his hands on Tousei’s waist. His confusion didn’t last long though and he soon fought to take control. Tousei wasn’t willing to surrender and it quickly turned into a mess of teeth and tongue more than an actual kiss. Tousei’s back hit the closest wall. Arima was way too strong. They had to part. They were short of breath already. Arima trailed kisses alongside Tousei’s jaw, biting on his skin softly. Tousei moaned as his hands tried to get Arima rid of his top.

“What do you think you’re doing, Tousei? Taking control?”

Tousei just answered with a grunt. He just wanted to get Arima rid of this goddamn top. _Watch me… I love him._ But Arima moved his hands away, his grip was firm, almost dangerous. Tousei shivered. He wanted it rough and violent. It had been such a long time… He bit his lower lip. Arima seemed in the mood too. _Watch me, he is the only one._ Tousei was pressed a little more against the wall so he couldn’t escape. Arima bit his earlobe hungrily. This deadly look he had when he tilted Tousei’s chin… Tousei shivered again. He wanted it, he really wanted it. _I don’t want to be touched by anybody else._

“Why so naughty, Tousei?”

“I’m sorry…” He tried his best but his voice betrayed need and desire “So sorry, daddy.”

“Will you be good, now?”

“I’ll be… I’ll be good.”

He wanted to beg for it, though… But that wasn’t really being nice. So he endured it when Arima undressed him slowly (too slowly), carefully (too carefully), wandering his hands on each inch of Tousei’s exposed skin. The boy mewled under Arima’s touch, flung his head back on the wall. Arima was too slow. On purpose. But no, Tousei wouldn’t… he wouldn’t be that weak. He managed to hold back his pleas, he just moaned, panted, made erratic and confused noises. But he never begged. Not even when Arima played with his cock, enough to bring him on the edge, not enough to make him climax.

“Aaah… Ki-Kishou…” he bit his lips before he could say more. He tasted blood on his tongue.

“See… You can very obedient when you want.”

His eyes were pleading, tears of frustration escaping him. He needed more. He needed much more. He really really was on the verge of screaming when Arima stopped touching him, just kissing his chest tenderly. _Fuck me… I love you, fuck me._ It was hard to breathe when Arima took him in his mouth, still going slow on him. _Not like that…_ Tousei gripped on his white hair. _I need more, I need much more, I want to feel you._

“Ki… shou… Aah… Kishou, pl-please…” _I love you._ “M-More…” He was begging now, he couldn’t restrain himself anymore. He needed to feel Arima inside of him. Rough and violent. No more teasing. _Just fuck me._ But the man wasn’t changing anything, he didn’t even bob his head faster or anything. It was so frustrating Tousei’s nails scratch on the wall.

“Pl-please, daddy...” he tried again “F-fuck me…”

Arima had stopped now. He had gotten up and was looking at Tousei as if he was about to kill him, or eat him. Even after all this time together, Tousei couldn’t know.

“Turn around” Arima commended and Tousei obeyed, putting his hands on the wall and spreading his legs. He knew how to do it, he knew how to tease. He could hear Arima unbuckle his belt and his cock twitched in expectation. He was probably drooling too.

“I won’t be gentle, Tousei.”

And indeed he wasn’t for he had pushed himself all inside Tousei without preparation or warning. The boy half-moaned, half screamed. It hurt, a bit. But… he wanted more, he wanted to be ravaged by his lover.

“You’re not really obedient, you know” Arima went on as he let his lover adjust to his size before he started to move his hips, giving hard thrusts into Tousei “You understand I must punish you…”

“Y-Yes, daddy… Aaah… M-More…” Tousei had closed his eyes. This… _I only want you to do this to me, isn’t it love?_ “More…”

“Tousei, this is punishment” Arima’s hand closed around his throat and squeezed. Tousei would have marks, probably. He’d have to wear a scarf for the following days. “You’re not supposed to enjoy it this much…”

Tousei tried to talk, say he was sorry, something but… everything was too much, too too much. Arima in him, so deep, so rough… He couldn’t… He had to. But to his very surprise, Arima was the first to come and the feeling of his warm seed filling his insides brought Tousei on the edge as well. He climaxed right after, dirtying the floor with his semen. His legs were shaking, like always after sex and Arima held him close. Tousei received a kiss on the temple and Arima’s arms were soft around him despite the rough intercourse.

“Are you okay?” Arima whispered in his ear. Tousei’s eyes widened. Arima never asked such thing before… they were just doing it…

“Y-yeah, I guess… It was good…” Tousei cursed himself for his lame reply.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Tousei…” Arima added with concern in his voice “I love you…”

“I love you too, Kishou” Tousei’s voice was hesitant though.

 

‘Because this is a lie, are you aware of that?’

_Shut up!_

‘You’re a liar, you just love his dick!’

_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!_

‘You’re such a little whore after all…


	20. Take flight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hiatus starts today, take care everyone :3   
> Happy holidays !!

“Do you really think he’s going to show up?”

“Don’t worry, he always does.”

Tousei was sitting at some café, sipping slowly on his cup and smoking a cigarette. He seemed quite relaxed but that was part of an act. He was in fact really stressed. Any social interaction made him really stressed, even if it was for the needs of a mission. Especially if it was for the needs of a mission. He was lucky enough Haise agreed to come with him. Tousei said it’d be part of his ‘field training’. Actually an excuse to have someone he trusted with him. He couldn’t obviously come with Arima so… Haise seemed nervous too. He had barely touched his coffee, keeping his fingers wrapped around the fancy cup. The neighborhood was quite calm today. And the café almost empty. It wasn’t really Tousei’s first time, to be honest he had done those kind of things quite often already since it was his idea in the first place. _But social anxiety is a bitch._ He blew some smoke. At least he wasn’t dissociating. He thought Haise’s presence should help.

“And, Tousei-kun, how did it come that you…”

“I’ll tell you later, not here.”

“Oh okay, sorry…” Haise looked down, embarrassed. Really, Tousei could sound like a cold-hearted bitch when he was on his nerves. _Crap…_

“Sorry, Haise… It’s a little…”

“I understand, don’t worry” The half-ghoul flashed a bright smile “I understand it must be stressful, especially… with someone like _me_ around…” he looked down again.

“Hey, you stop” Tousei had almost slammed his cup down the table in anger. This speech again, it made him sick to his stomach. Nothing was wrong with Haise, he was a great CCG agent. They should stop making him feel like shit, he was already too aware he wasn’t human “You’re perfect the way you are, okay?” He had put his hand on Haise’s wrist tenderly. He felt like he must protect this boy. _Shit._

“Tousei-kun, I…”

“Ahem, good morning. Sorry to interrupt.”

A tall man with glasses was standing in front of them. He looked like a common business man with his suit and suitcase. Tousei waved his hand to the free chair and the man sat down. He seemed as uncomfortable as Haise. Tousei was pretty uncomfortable too but really good at acting in such situations. He had to. The job had to be done after all. The man kept the suitcase on his knees as Tousei ordered another round of coffee and lit another cigarette. To keep the act up of course. He was so stressed on the inside. _I mustn’t show Haise I’m stressed. Kishou told me so. I’m his mentor. I must be strong._

“Thank you” he firmly said when some waiter put the cups in front of them. Good, his voice sounded composed enough. It’d do.

“S-so… what’s today’s deal, Ki-Kishimoto-san?” The stranger’s fingers were trembling when he grabbed his cup.

“I’m looking for a man…” Tousei leaned down on his chair and crossed his legs, the cup in one hand, the cigarette in another, the act as up as his stress level. _I need to be strong_ “Late forties, arrived in the neighborhood… three months ago, a faithful husband, a loving father… probably working in the economics… or politics… he has high responsibilities and drinks coffee from Colombia… ukaku… eats twice a week.”

Tousei stopped for a moment, searching if he hadn’t forgotten any details. Details were important, he knew that too well. He felt like he didn’t but he was never too sure. He was never the type to trust his own doing, honestly.

“I… I think…” The stranger’s voice stammered and he nervously played with his glasses “I think it could be Haku-san… but I-I don’t know… his type…” he never looked at them the entire time he spoke. When he was done he drank his coffee despite his shaking hand. Haise looked at him with sad eyes without even saying a word. Tousei kept the act up. It was almost over.

“Thank you, Toro-san. You’ve been very helpful, as usual.”

“I c-can write h-his address if you w-want, Kishimoto-san…”

“With pleasure…”

 _It’s almost over._ Tousei could feel his foot starting to shake because of the stress, the coffee, everything… While the man was writing the address on Tousei’s notepad, he pulled out a box from his own bag and put it on the table. Sasaki’s eyes widened. He thought the bag was containing a quinque, just in need… not… a box? When the man was done, Tousei looked at the address, it wasn’t far. Maybe they could pay him a visit, just to map the surroundings before sending agents to search the house. A visit… not as CCG agents of course. They could be sellers of any kind. Or raising founds for some cause… Well, maybe Haise could help him on this, Tousei was really bad at finding excuses to go to suspects’ homes. The stranger had taken the box in his hands and was peering discreetly inside.

“Ahem… Kishimoto-san?”

“Is there a problem? Something you don’t like perhaps?”

“N-No… It’s too much… You never gave m-me that much before a-and…”

“But you have a family now, haven’t you?” Tousei dumped his fag in the ashtray and put his cup back on the table. He waved some waiter and asked for the bill. _Almost over._

“H-How do you know?”

“The last time we met, you were already playing with your finger, where a ring should be. It was quite a time now, so I guess a baby is here… or on the go, perhaps?”

“H-he’s two months old already.”

“You should have told me, you know. Give me a picture next time, so my colleagues in the CCG will add it to your file. We won’t attack your family either, it’s part of the deal.”

“Re-really? I’m glad…” The man seemed relieved and brought out some picture of a woman holding a baby in her arms. They looked lovely. Common as well. No need to say the CCG couldn’t care less about them. “Will this do?”

“It’s perfect” Tousei said as he put the photograph inside his jacket. “Thanks for your help” Tousei had gotten up and was extending a hand “Take care of your family.”

“Th-Thank you.”

The man went his way. Tousei and Sasaki went theirs. Tousei apologized for letting Haise out the entire time but the boy said it was okay, very interesting to watch. He even spoke of it as an ‘interesting system’. Honestly, Tousei wasn’t proud of it but he had to say his success had increased since he used that method. Giving low-ranked ghouls enough food to survive in exchange for information that lead to higher-ranked ghouls was indeed a smart plan. But feeding ghouls with organs stolen on corpses at the morgue wasn’t the funniest thing Tousei had ever done. Of course the CCG never backed up his plan but never told him to stop. He was basically lying when he told his sources they were out of the CCG’s radars. But such weak creatures would only get caught if they hunted and Tousei made sure to give them enough food. He didn’t like lying but well… He had a job to do. And he wasn’t good enough at socializing to use small talks. Anyway, this man had always been reliable. Tousei had other sources before but they tried to play or eat him. He had to kill them. He felt like shit for weeks after. But this man was honest and truly willing to protect his family. _I’m tricking him but… yeah…_ Tousei didn’t feel really good about it.

“Tousei-kun, I was wondering about something…”

“Hmm?” Tousei looked at Haise. How could this boy seem always so radiant despite the situation? Or was it just Tousei’s mind?

“The profile you gave him… it’s smart, you gave away no details about the case… but who made it? It sounded so professional.”

“Oh…” Tousei looked down in embarrassment “I made it… I don’t want them to know the details or this wouldn’t be good for me. You know the CCG doesn’t really approve this method, despite the results I’m obtaining.”

“Yes, I know. The results are good so they don’t stop you but they can’t really approve either since you… feed ghouls. But, this profile was really good! Could you teach me how to make one?”

Tousei blinked several times. _Wait…_ He wasn’t sure he could do it. Tousei’s mind was really a mystery, especially to himself and he wasn’t sure how he came up with such a profile. It was so clear and logical in his head. How could he explain that? _But I’ve to try, since I’m his mentor…_ He pinched his nose. _Kishou, why did you get the training part?_ Tousei had to teach Sasaki how to investigate and Arima how to fight. Tousei rubbed his eyes. He couldn’t just say he was once obsessed with psychoanalysis and human behavior and it turned out to be useful in his job. Really, why did he accept Arima’s proposal? A look at Haise was enough for him to understand. The boy was a sunshine.

“I… I can try…” Tousei sighed “Do you have notions in psychology?”

“No…” Haise blushed.

“Do you know the basics of human behavior?”

“I-I don’t…” Haise seemed more and more sorry.

“Well, let’s start with this then, I’ve a couple of books on that matter at home. I’ll lend them to you.”

“Ah thank you, Tousei-kun!” Haise had almost jumped on him and Tousei was now embarrassed. They were in the middle of a street after all. He hugged him back all the same. It was weird somehow, Sasaki was taller than him and Tousei still felt the need to protect him. His heart was beating fast in his chest and he felt warm. He was glad Arima introduced them. Tousei was feeling somehow better now he had to teach him. He felt useful.

‘It’s a lie…’

Somehow.

 

“Ah… Kishimoto-kun, you’re back.”

“Hi, Ihei-san. What do you need me for?”

“Me? Nothing. But Matsuri-san asked for you about an hour ago. I told him you were out on a field mission, don’t worry.”

“Matsuri…? Why?”

“Dunno… He said something about your _career_ , you know what it means in his mouth…”

“Yes… something big. I should go now, if you excuse me.”

“Sure. And good luck.”


	21. I don't owe you anything

“Come in.”

The voice was cold. Tousei’s hands were shaking when he opened the door. He took a step in and closed the door behind him. Matsuri was up, discussing some matter with his father, Yoshitoki. Tousei was so anxious he could barely understand what they were talking about. He bowed.

“S-Sorry for interrupting.”

He felt sick, as if surrounded by enemies and unarmed. But they were his bosses, not his enemies, at least he thought so. There was no reason not to feel good around them. Or at least at ease. But it seemed he was staring at that floor since a lifetime though he didn’t really want to stop and look at them. He was really frightened. As if something dangerous was pervading the room.

“Please, rise.”

That was Yoshitoki. His voice was soft. Way softer than Matsuri’s. Tousei obeyed and passed a hand in his hair, hoping to regain his composure more than to actually rearrange it. He took a deep breath. _This is going to be okay, I’ve done nothing bad._ On the contrary, he was doing quite good lately. He was going quite good since Haise had entered his life. He had caught up with all the late work and his current cases had serious leads. He had avoided to go on the field though, he didn’t really like the killing, it triggered high dissociation from which it was hard to recover. But even with Haise, he was doing good. The boy was really willing to learn and was always joyful. He was a great balance for Tousei’s gloomy mood. Between his and Arima’s teaching, the half-ghoul was doing quite good now. Soon, he could work on his own, perhaps even lead a small group. Tousei could tell he had the spirit of a leader… though he would care to much for his subordinates… _He’s too cute for this world._ Tousei couldn’t help smiling.

“I’ll keep that in mind, father.”

“Good then…” Yoshitoki headed to the exit and stopped to put a hand on Tousei’s shoulder. Tousei made tremendous efforts not to shiver, it felt more dangerous than a simple pat as if the man was trying to claim control or perhaps possession over him “Thank you for your patience, Kishimoto” And his voice, so deadly sweet…

“Always… at your service, sir.”

Tousei kept looking down. He wanted the man to remove his hand. It seemed like a lifetime before he actually did so and left the room. When Tousei finally looked up, he realized Matsuri had sat back at his desk and was pointing a seat with his finger. Tousei took it as an invitation and sat as well. He put his hands on his legs, trying to stay composed. He wanted to look at Matsuri but his feet seemed a lot more interesting at the moment. He couldn’t look at the man in the eyes.

“I remember you…” Matsuri’s voice was so sharp Tousei felt like he was being cut open to him “From that conference at the Academy…”

Well. That was embarrassing. Tousei remembered it too. The first time he saw Matsuri, giving this lecture about the CCG structure, Tousei had thrills going down his spine and was unable to tell if they were good or bad ones. And he had (a bit) fantasized about the man (just a bit) since he was… his type. _And I knew nothing about him back then. Honestly, anybody would have done. I was so desperate to be touched._

‘To be possessed.’

_Possessed, right._

‘Arima has softened, you know.’

_Stop, now is not the time._

‘He doesn’t possess you anymore, you possess him.’

_I told you now is not the time!_

‘But this man can possess you… he can possess you so good.’

_Now is not the time!_

“Kishimoto?”

He had put a hand on his forehead. He was really good at having the most intrusive and awkward thoughts. It was all clear in his mind now, he didn’t want this man to lay a single finger on him. Despite the fact he was committed to Arima, it’d be such a violent encounter he wasn’t sure he could survive it. He’d lose himself. And he was pretty much lost in his need of drama right now. _I know I’m afraid of happiness, but I don’t want to run away this time._ He felt like crying and rubbed his forehead even more. _I just need Kishou, I just desire Kishou. I won’t run away into somebody else’s arms._

‘Liar. Weak!’

“Kishimoto? Are you alright?” Tousei realized Matsuri was actually speaking to him. _Shit._

“I’m really confused, sir. I’ve suddenly the worst headache ever…”

The excuse of the headache was always a good one. Matsuri answered nothing but soon got up to fetch him a glass of water and some pill. Tousei was confused. He took them with hesitation.

“It’s aspirin, I’m not trying to poison you.”

Tousei thought about a joke but the tone was dead serious. _Well… I’m an addict._ Matsuri came to sit back at his desk when Tousei put the meds in his mouth and swallowed it down with the water. _Whatever this is, such a little dose won’t black me out._ He put the glass back on the desk and thanked Matsuri with a little nod of his head. He had completely made a fool of himself, thinking about… weird stuff, as usual. He hadn’t even thought _that much_ about the man. The idea might have just crossed his mind during the lecture.

“I’m really confused, sir…” Tousei’s voice was humble “You were talking about the conference?”

“It’s fine, headaches are a common thing in our profession” Tousei wasn’t seeing them but Matsuri’s eyes were piercing him “Yes, the conference… You seemed quite out of it back then, I’d never think you turned out to be so promising.”

“Pro-promising? Sir, you’re flattering me” Tousei could feel his cheeks blush.

“Lately your name is appearing in a lot of reports, obviously Arima’s…” Matsuri made a pause that implied a lot and Tousei felt even more uncomfortable “But also Ihei, Ui, Fura and Hirako mentioned their groups used your help for profiling their targets… And each time it turned out to be a successful mission.”

“It’s only because Ihei-san, Ui-san, Fura-san and Hirako-san are amazing squad leaders, sir” Tousei made sure not to mention Arima. He didn’t want to have this kind of conversation, full of underlying despise.

“Thanks to your profiling… Have you ever thought, Kishimoto…” He readjusted his glasses, making it linger on purpose “to make it your specialty?”

“S-Sir?” Tousei was taken aback. No, he never thought about it. Making profiles was a normal and logical thing in his mind. Plus, it was easy for him. So, he was just helping his colleagues. No big deal.

“Nobody here is specialized in ghoul-profiling, you’d be the perfect one though… we could provide money for some classes, to help you get a degree… to give this new job some credit.”

“Sir…” Tousei couldn’t just refuse. It was such a big offer refusing would be rude. But he couldn’t accept either. Why would the Washuus create a job just for him? And based on what? Few positive reports? This sounded tricky. And Tousei didn’t want to owe such a man anything… “Sir, this is too much, I’m not worth such efforts. At all.”

“Kishimoto…” His voice had become so dangerous all of a sudden “My father and I just discussed it and we need a profiler. Some agents are good at it but it turns out you’re obviously the best. What’s wrong anyway? You don’t like going on the field… No need to mention you’d get a better check at the end of the month.”

 _I don’t want to owe you anything._ Though the profiling idea was so tempting. Desk job, analyzing behaviors, a better pay was quite interesting as well. Really… he would have said yes if it weren’t for Matsuri. If somebody else had made him this offer he would have jumped on the occasion. But not Matsuri. Something was wrong. Tousei felt even more uneasy as before.

‘Come on… It’s just another way of spreading your legs.’

He clinched his teeth. How could he refuse it politely? He felt like disappearing again. His reality was starting to fade, he felt lightheaded again. _Not good, not now._ He couldn’t think straight, he couldn’t make a proper sentence. This was just… not real, again.

“Kishimoto…” There was annoyance in Matsuri’s voice.

“Why would you do that for me?”

“I’m doing this for the CCG, not for you. It’s a win-win situation.”

“I… see…” Tousei was disappearing, he was currently running on auto-mode “I… need some time… this is just so unexpected, I…”

“Of course, take some time to think about it.”

“Thank you… sir.”

“I hope you’ll come back with a positive answer, Tousei-kun.”

_Tousei… kun?_

 

‘It’s just another way of spreading your legs.’

‘You know how to do it, whore.’

‘After all, this is what you want.' 

'Spread.'

_Leave me alone, just leave me alone._


	22. I'm your possession, I'm your obsession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning /!\  
> This chapter contains (not too graphic) rape  
> I'm really sorry

‘Spread, more. Come on, spread.’

‘I know you like it, don’t you? Yes… you like it.’

‘You’re so good to me, Tousei. So so good to me.’

 

Tousei woke up in an ice cold sweat. The nightmare, again. He blinked several times. He was shaking. He felt too hot and too cold at the same time, it was hardly bearable. And he was hard. Not just a bit, fully erected. That was the worst part of it. It was a nightmare and it got him like this each time. He felt disgusting and he wanted to puke. He sat on the bed and breathed deeply for a while. He didn’t feel any better. He needed to walk around the house, pass cold water on his skin… get rid with the situation between his legs. He was about to get up when an arm firmly put him back to bed. _Kishou…_ His back was brought against Arima’s warm belly and the man was holding him so close he couldn’t escape. It was nice and comforting. Tousei just hoped he wouldn’t notice his… problem, between his legs.

“Tousei…” Arima nuzzled his neck tenderly and trailed kisses here “You smell like fear… did you have some nightmare?”

“It’s…” Tousei always wondered how Arima was able to _smell_ it on his skin “It’s… the dream again. I don’t really want to… talk about it.”

“You should. I don’t even know what the dream is about. Though I can easily imagine…” Arima’s hands got lower on his belly as he started to massage him. _He’s gonna notice._ Tousei shivered in fear. _I don’t want him to know._ Arima’s hands stopped for a while and then resumed their massage.

“Tousei… do you need help… with it?” His fingers were on the waistband of his pants.

“N-no… I don’t want to… thinking of it…” Tousei shivered even more. If only Arima could let him go, this was too awkward, he just couldn’t. He started to sob. Why did he have to dream about it? It had been months since the last time he thought about it. Why now? Did the meeting with Matsuri triggered something in him? _But I never thought about…_

‘You thought about it. You can never stop thinking about it.’

_It’s a lie! It’s a lie! It’s a lie! It’s a lie! It’s a lie! It’s a lie!_

‘You call your boyfriend daddy…’

_It’s a lie! It’s a lie! It’s a lie!_

Arms squeezed around him and words were whispered in his ear. He assumed there were words of comfort but his inner voice was yelling too loud. He couldn’t really hear anything else. He was yelling within too, trying to cover it with his own voice. Why now? Why now? He hadn’t even thought about it in _months._ He hadn’t even thought about it when Arima and him had their first time. So why now? Why now after all this time?

‘It’s because you miss it… Arima isn’t…’

_I don’t want to hear that! I don’t want to hear that! I don’t want to hear that! I don’t want to hear that!_

‘Arima isn’t your father after all…’

 

***

 

Family dinners were always super awkward. Nobody was talking. My brother’s girlfriend was always here on Sundays. She was part of the family now and he let us now. My mother was saying nothing as usual. My brother and my father were talking business, even if Hiro was younger than me he was actually doing better in life… at school… at everything. He was obviously going to be the head of the family one day. The Kishimoto name wasn’t that important but quite respected in my home country. I just was a failure but that was fine (this is a lie). I was currently struggling to get my high school degree. No need to say I was years late when my brother already entered the Kazedo, aka the school where all the previous Kishimotos went to study and graduated from. I was taking too many pills back then, I didn’t want to live amongst that family. But I couldn’t really escape it either.

“Tousei… The school called…” My father. I hated when it started like that. I knew I wasn’t exactly doing well. I knew I was the family’s disappointment. “I think we need to go for kendo this afternoon.”

“Y-Yes, father.”

Go for kendo meant actually have a man to man discussion, to make a long story short he was about to beat me at kendo and yell at me how much of a failure I was. It wasn’t something new at all. Maybe my mother never knew how violent my father was. But my brother did know and never stopped him. My brother was going for kendo as well. But less and less those days. Dad was proud of him after all.

The dinner ended in complete silence and my brother’s girlfriend washed the dishes while I got everything ready for kendo. The suits, the swords… Their only sight was enough to make me sick. I’d have bruises again, father wasn’t exactly kind. We got in the car and he drove in complete silence. My father was a tall man with glasses, always wearing a suit even at home, always composed. He was a smoker and liked green tea. His hair was black and he was stronger than he looked. He ran the family business, some textile industry specialized in kimono _de luxe_ (he always said it in French). It was lucrative enough.

We arrived at the dojo. It was small and my father’s name was known enough to allow us to have the place for ourselves only for the two following hours. It was two hours of pure beating, my father couldn’t care less about kendo’s rules, he was just trying to find an excuse to beat me with that sword. It hurt. But it wasn’t the first time so I knew. I just had to be good, to sob and beg, to say that I’m sorry and I’ll do better next time until my throat went sore. I dissociated every time it happened. My begging was also automatic. It was fine. He broke nothing this time. I had no reason not to lower my guard. It was usually over when he was done beating me.

I tried to clean my body and wash away those dirty thoughts. _It’s just stress relief. Your father is worried about you._ He wasn’t. He was just angry I was such a nasty spot on the Kishimoto name. Or maybe he was worried, who knows? It was true, what he said. I was going nowhere. It was hard to focus on school or life in general. When I wasn’t high, I was completely dissociated. Like now… I barely felt the water on my body. But I startled when I felt my father’s hands on me. Stroking my skin tenderly. It wasn’t real, it was all a fantasy. He couldn’t love me. He was so mad at me. I was dreaming all this.

“I love you, Tousei…” his mouth on my neck “Why can’t you be good?”

“I’ll be good…” Those weren’t my words. This wasn’t my voice. “Please don’t hurt me…”

He was touching me. Those hands that were about to destroy me… being so kind to me. It couldn’t be. My father showing me love… what a pleasant dream. But he was being too intimate, too soon. I felt nauseous under his touch. But I was good, I said nothing. I moaned a bit, even. My body was reacting, his body was reacting. His mouth on my neck licked the water on my skin. My forehead on the cold wall, my hands on the cold wall. The hot water still running. I should have told him to stop. But he touched me until I couldn’t take more. I felt sick, so sick. He was reacting even more when I called him father through my climax. It was all my fault. I should have screamed and told him to stop.

“Tousei, look at me.” I obeyed and my back hit the wall. It wasn’t real. I was imagining all this, my father would never… “Tousei, you’re so beautiful. But why can’t you be good?”

I just looked at him. I was shivering all over. This wasn’t real. This didn’t feel real at all. I was like in a bubble, like in a dream. And having such a sick Oedipal fantasy. _Show me you can be good._ I never resisted for it wasn’t real. It wasn’t real when he pushed me down on my knees. It wasn’t real when he was in my mouth. _I love you, Tousei._ Gagging, crying, spitting, choking, almost vomiting in disgust… none of this was real. The warm sticky bitter taste on my tongue either. The hand in my hair, the praising, all a sick fantasy. The kiss on my cheek when we were back to the car wasn’t real either. Never my father would have been this intimate with me. He hated me. It was a dream, a sick dream.

“I know you can do better than that, Tousei.”

He meant school, right? He meant my life, didn’t he? I cried, I cried all the way home and even after. Nobody seemed to care. Not even my father. I was really dreaming after all. I never was precious to him, and I would never be…

 

***

 

“Daddy…”

“Tousei, I’ve got you.”

“Daddy… don’t leave me.”

“I’m here, I’m right here.”

“Daddy, daddy… I love you.”

“Sssh… It’s all fine. I love you, Tousei. More than anything.”


	23. Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning /!\  
> This chapter contains (not too graphic) rape mention

Tousei knocked on Matsuri’s door. Today was the day he was supposed to give him an answer about the job offer. He talked with Arima about it and they came together to a conclusion. Though Tousei had been disturbed by intrusive thoughts about his father, he managed to keep his composure around Arima. Tousei had thought about his father before but it wasn’t… like that. The beating, the slaps he received from being not good enough, the humiliation, the despise, he was used to such memories. But what he was picturing in his head lately was nothing like that. More violent. More graphic. More intimate. Tousei wondered if all of this was real. _It never occurred, right? I’m just trying to put some trauma in my life to explain things about myself._ But he had enough notions in psychology to know that even a fantasized trauma is perceived like a real one.

“Come in.”                                

 

_You open the door in fear. Being summoned in your father’s office is nothing close to fun, you know what to expect. You sit on the chair he’s pointing you, it’s hard to breathe. You’re going to be slapped, humiliated, yelled at and dragged in the dirt. You know it. You know you’ve done well though. But you also know you haven’t done enough. You’re nothing like your brother. And you’re the elder. Why are you always such a disappointment?_

Tousei blinked. Again. He had spaced out. Well, Matsuri was reading him the details of the possible course Tousei would have to attend if he accepted the job. Good, his auto-mode was still good enough, Matsuri didn’t seem to have noticed anything. He was going to refuse the job anyway, he couldn’t care less about the details. He blinked again. He didn’t remember that scene in his father’s office from before. Tousei remembered his father’s office but nothing precise that could have happened in here. _I’m just imagining stuff again._ Matsuri had the same shape as his father, Tousei noticed. And he was holding his files the same way. _Don’t do that…_

“Of course, the CCG can afford such expenses as it came clear we need a profiler…”

 _Would my father’s voice sound so distant if he praised me? But father never praised me…_ Tousei wondered. Matsuri’s glasses were the same shape as his father’s as well. It was a common shape but still. It wasn’t really helping.

 

_He’s yelling at you. He’s hitting you. You’re crying. You had your degree this time but the grades weren’t good enough. You knew it, it’s never enough. He says he has now to act like the dean’s pet to get you into the Kazedo. But you don’t want to enter such school. It’s already too hard for you. But you’re the elder, and the elder of the Kishimoto family always graduates from the Kazedo. It hurts. Your back hits his desk and this is where you dissociate. It doesn’t hurt that much anymore. Not even when he flips you over and presses your face on his paperwork. You can see your name everywhere._

_“I’ve done it all for you, because I love you… And this is how you thank me?”_

“Kishimoto, do you have any question?”

“No, sir. I don’t.”

How could he have any question about something he didn’t listen? He was going to refuse the job, this wasn’t a big deal after all. He just really wanted to stop thinking about his father. Matsuri wasn’t his father, he knew this perfectly. Matsuri wasn’t going to hit him and humiliate him if he refused the job. Arima told him the Washuus would harm Tousei in any way since their relationship was official and Arima probably the best asset of the CCG right now. Not that Tousei had planned something like that, not at all. But he couldn’t be unlucky at all times, could he? Tousei took a deep breath. It was his time to speak, to explain why he couldn’t take the job. That was easy, he rehearsed a hundred times with Arima. And Arima had been really good at playing the cold asshole, so it should be easy. It should be…

 

_You apologize. All that leaves your mouth is a never-ending apology. You cry also and sometimes you choke on your sobs. You’re dirtying his work. He gets even more angry. He asks you why again and you keep apologizing. You hear a distant ruffle and the cold air hits your skin. Since when are you naked? Fear rushes through your veins and reality hits you like a rock. You’re so afraid you’re about to faint. You close your eyes, hoping to wake up. And you scream, you scream so loud but nobody comes. You beg him to stop but he only kisses your neck as he tells you he loves you. He’s doing everything for you, so why can’t you be good? Because right now you feel so good, so so good…_

“Sir, I…”

He couldn’t take it. He had Haise to mentor, cases on the go, he couldn’t afford to go back to school as people were counting on him at CCG. And he wasn’t sure he could really stand staying in classes for hours straight now he was used to such a dynamic job. Yes, he didn’t like the killing, but going on the field to gather information was quite nice. And proved its efficiency. He had his networks of low-ranked ghouls and if he weren’t around, all the time he spent on building trust would go to waste. And he didn’t want to bother the Washuus about this. He could still provide profiling for the other teams and do his own job. Really, he wasn’t worth such waste of time and money. But he gladly appreciated Matsuri’s offer. Here he could bow. It was that simple. But Tousei was frozen still. _I’m going to be a disappointment again._

_He keeps telling you how tight, warm and good you are. How much he loves you. You’ll bleed again, you know it. It hurts too much. You’re just begging him to stop, your voice weaker each time. You even call him father but it doesn’t change a thing. On the contrary. He goes harder on you, deeper in you. It hurts. But he tells you he loves you. You hear a noise and the door opens. Your mother. She looks at you. Your father doesn’t even stop. The scene couldn’t be more obvious. But she just closes the door._

_“Sorry, I never meant to interrupt…”_

_“Mother! Mother! Don’t go! Don’t leave me here! Mother!”_

_You yell for nothing. She never comes back. Your father keeps going, undisturbed. This is where your sanity abandons you. Your mother had closed the door._

“Sir, I… I’m so glad you made such an offer. I’m… accepting it with all my gratitude.”

Tousei bowed. _I can’t disappoint father again._ He trembled and started to cry. He took his face in the palms of his hands. _I can’t be a disappointment again! It’s too painful!_ He tried to stop the crying but it was overwhelming, he should though, crying like a child… _Don’t hurt me daddy, I’ve been good, look at how good I am now!_ He wanted to yell, he couldn’t take it anymore, he wanted to be alone.

“Kishimoto, hey! What the… hey, stop crying…!”

Matsuri was obviously at loss. He was expecting quite a panel of reactions but acceptance followed by an outburst of crying wasn’t exactly one of them. He had gotten up to put a hand on Tousei’s shoulder but that seemed to make only things worse. He wasn’t the sympathetic type and had no idea what to do. The boy could use a hug but Matsuri wasn’t really willing to give him one. He just wanted this crying mess out of his office now. He accepted the job, right? So why bother?

“Hey, Kishimoto! Stop!”

“D-Don’t hurt me… I’ll be good, I’ll be really good… I’ve always been good to you, right?”

The boy’s words were incoherent. Matsuri wished he could just drag him out of his office and leave him somewhere in the hallway but he couldn’t. His father would kill him if he didn’t show more ‘sympathy’ towards his subordinates. _Tss._ He just got out, leaving Tousei sobbing alone and walked around asking for Arima… or Haise, even. He crossed paths with the Reaper, finally.

“Ah… Arima-san, I was looking for you, Tousei is…”

“Tousei is what?” His voice was bitter, and panicked “You better not have touched him!”

“Easy… I’ve done nothing. He doesn’t really need anybody to have a breakdown, this one…”

“Tousei is having a breakdown?” Arima’s eyes widened with fear.

“Yeah… he just accepted the job and then started to cry. I thought you’d be of… better help.”

Arima didn’t reply and ran to Matsuri’s office. Tousei was staring in blank at the desk, crying, muttering a confused ‘father’ again and again and again. _Tousei, why did you accept the job? What were you thinking about? Your father? Matsuri is not your father!_ He just wrapped his arms around the boy.

“Tousei, it’s me. I’m with you now, you’re safe.”

“Father… father… I’m good. So good to you. Hurt me no more, please!”

This again… How bad had Tousei be beaten by his father when he was younger? And why now? Was it Matsuri’s fault? No, the Washuus wouldn’t lay a finger on Tousei… On the contrary, they were willing to please his own ambition to make him owe them. That was a better way, a smarter way.

“I’m not your father, Tousei. Come on, we are going home.”

“Hurt me no more… No more…”

Arima swore he’d kill that motherfucker if he met with him one day. Tousei was such a mess. What did this man do to him? Arima wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He had to carry the boy in his arms, Tousei was completely petrified.

“Hurt me no more…” And he sounded like a broken record.


	24. And always know that you are not alone

“I’m having fantasies about past sexual abuse from my father.”

“Fantasies? Why do you call them fantasies?”

“In those… fantasies, my father tells me how much he loves me. It’s not true. My father never loved me, he wishes I never existed.”

Tousei had resumed therapy. It was necessary now he had gotten back into psychology class. He accepted the job after all. And he didn’t really want to piss Matsuri off by coming back on his decision. Therapy should help, anyway. Tousei should have never quit. And the classes weren’t so boring, to be honest. And he still had time to mentor Haise and do his paperwork at CCG. It wasn’t that bad. Tousei wished he could spend more time with Haise, though. The boy was doing great progress in learning human behavior. Tousei was distant with Arima, on the other hand. He felt dirty to think about his father this way, especially when his lover was around, or even in bed with him. It hurt Arima, he was very aware of that. But he felt all wrong and unworthy of his lover’s kindness. The doctor he was seeing was a woman. In her forties, brunette. Not very good-looking.

“The real question is, why do you want this not to be real, Kishimoto-san?”

“Is it really so strange? I’ve fantasized about sexual abuse since… forever. As if I could only seek pleasure in abuse.”

“That… forever, does it start before or after the period of those… fantasies are supposed to have happened?”

“I… I don’t know” Tousei blushed in embarrassment. The psychiatrist gave him a look that made him blush even more. Of course he knew. And he also knew the I don’t know card wasn’t really an asset… “After. All the high sexual attraction for potential abusers has occurred after.”

“You’re really careful in your choice of words, as always…”

Tousei looked down at his feet. He hated therapy. It always made him feel like shit when he talked about all this. Though it helped him after, to have spoken all this dirty shit he was usually keeping on the inside. He started on this subject after all. _Why don’t I want this to be real? Father, mother… Hiro…_

“Kishimoto-san, do you have a picture of your father?”

“Y-yes, I do.”

He put a hand on the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out his wallet. He took out a picture and held it to the woman. His father was reading a book in the garden, a cigarette in his hand. He seemed very focused and was frowning a little. Tousei had stolen this picture from his home before he left. He didn’t really know why. It had always been in his wallet since then. He never really looked at it or anything.

“Do you have a picture of your mother? And your brother?” She was extending her free hand.

“I-I don’t, I’m sorry…”

“Why? Why your father and not the rest of your family? Why did you want to keep a picture of your father, especially this very picture… as if you wanted to erase all the other pictures of him in your mind?”

“I…” Tousei thought for a moment “Maybe to forget… the beating? He’s serene, here. He doesn’t look like… a violent father.”

“Or a rapist… He looks a bit like your lover, Arima-san is it?”

“Y-yes… So, it’s really it? I’m picking men looking like my father, to play in loop that same pattern.” Tousei played with his fingers nervously and he took back the photograph and looked at it. His father was really beautiful on it, very attractive. Tousei felt even more dirty.

“You’re over-interpreting everything. Arima-san shows enough tenderness to come with you at each of our sessions. And he stays in the waiting room the entire time. It’s obvious that he loves you.”

“I… I’m sorry…” Tousei started to cry. It happened a lot in therapy. He was all messed up, he couldn’t really think his mind straight “I feel so lost…”

“It’s completely normal…” she handed him some tissues “You love your father and he betrays you once by beating you. You still love and respect him despite everything and he betrays you a second time by raping you. And you still love and respect him…”

“He didn’t ra…”

“He did. Even if it didn’t actually occur, it feels real enough to cause you high anxiety and discomfort around your lover. You know there’s no difference between reality and fantasies in terms of affects…”

“How do I… how do I overcome it?”

“You tell me.”

Awkward silence laid for several long minutes upon them. Tousei was still looking at the photograph. His father seemed to belong to another world.

“I want to see my father.”

“And what will happen when you’ll see him?”

“I’ll show him how successful I am… in my job, in my life. I left the Kishimoto family and I’m doing quite good. Without him. I want to prove him he was… wrong about me.”

“You want him to be proud.”

“Yes.”

 

“Tousei-kun! How did it go?”

“G-Good morning, Haise-kun. It went… okay, I guess.”

Tousei was pulled into a hug by the half-ghoul. They parted soon and Sasaki shook hands with Arima. It was quite stunning to see such distance between the two, though Haise and Arima were quite intimate despite the appearances. They walked together to some café. Tousei still felt a bit sick to his stomach. He was trying his best not to think about it, even if it probably just happened in his head… but it was hard, the sensations were feeling way too real. They ordered coffee and Haise was cheerfully chatting, Tousei wished I could tell what about but his mind was completely unfocused. When it was served, he wrapped his hands around his cup of coffee and stared into the dark drink. He felt like he was dragged out of the world little by little. Pulled out to become of spectator of it. Arima and Haise were still chatting. He felt left over.

“I want to see my father…” He finally spoke with a weak voice.

“Wh-What?” Haise looked at him with those big round eyes. Why was he always so cute despite everything? “Tousei…”

“I want to see my father” he repeated, even weaker.

“No” Arima’s voice was firm when he took a sip of his coffee. His hand came to grab Tousei’s one, still firmly clawed around the cup.

“But I…”

“I said no, Tousei. Don’t think I’m a fool and don’t understand what’s going on. I won’t let him lay a single finger on you again” Arima was trembling a bit, but it was very faint.

“You don’t understand…” Tousei made no move, the tone of his voice didn’t even change “You don’t understand… I won’t overcome anything if I don’t see him. I need… I need to see he has no longer power over me.”

“I…” The grip on Tousei’s hand was firmer “I can’t let you do it… I’m afraid he could… again…” Arima’s teeth were clenched when he spoke.

“And what if… you go with him, Arima-san?” Haise shyly proposed “What if… we both go with him, so nothing bad could happen, right? And his father would see his son is loved and happy and…” Haise scratched nervously his cheek “and… he won’t do anything, right?”

Arima’s eyes widened suddenly. Tousei’s kept staring at the coffee he didn’t seem willing to drink. That could work actually. Though it could also piss his family off if he paid them a visit with the man he was living with and a half-ghoul who had become his closest friend. They could also imagine things wrong and… _I don’t want them to endure father, or mother, or even Hiro. My family is nasty._

“They are bad people… They’ll try to crush you in such a subtle way you may not see it coming…” Tousei whispered, his eyes still on the coffee “I don’t want it to happen.”

“I won’t let you go see him alone, Tousei. Not after what he has done to you” Arima rubbed his thumb against Tousei’s skin tenderly “And I’m the CCG’s Reaper, it’d take your father a lot more to be able to crush me.”

“Kishou…” The coffee got blurred. Tousei had tears in his eyes.

“I love you, Tousei. I’ll help you get through this” Arima pulled Tousei into an embrace and felt him cry against his chest. “You are not alone.”

“We love you” Haise added, patting gently his friend on the head, a sad smile curving his lips.


	25. Where reality lies

The ride wasn’t really pleasant. They were all nervous and none was talking. Tousei was looking outside, sometimes giving Arima the directions to follow, sometimes looking in the rear mirror to look at Haise who was nervously playing with the fabric of his clothes. Tousei could understand why Arima insisted so much. He even made a scene in which he made clear enough he knew what Tousei’s father had done to him.

_‘You don’t even touch me, Tousei!’_

He was trying though. But every time he did something, the memory of his father came back to him. His inner voice wouldn’t leave him alone. He had to confront his father, to show him his success in life, without the Kishimoto family. He secretly hoped Hiro would be here as well so at least everybody knew. Outside the landscape started to turn familiar. The mountains, the houses. The car passed by the dojo house and Tousei shivered. They were close, too close. It didn’t sound much like a good idea now. He felt sick to his stomach. He kept guiding Arima to the family house. His voice was getting more and more emotional. They stopped at the gates and Arima gave a quick kiss to Tousei’s lips.

“You’ll be fine. I am here. Haise is here.”

“We’re here for you, Tousei-kun.”

A man came to welcome them and asked for their names. He was probably a new employee since Tousei was unable to remember him from before. His father wasn’t really a man of change, that surprised him quite a lot. Tousei opened his window.

“I’m Kishimoto Tousei, Kishimoto Masamune’s son…” his voice was trembling a bit.

“I’m sorry, sir…” The man stayed very polite “But Hiro-sama is their only son.”

Tousei felt like stricken by a lightening. _Wh-What? Did father go… this far to erase the disappointment?_ He breathed in and out deeply. He succeeded to keep his composure up. He wouldn’t let it happen. Tousei searched for his ID and showed it to the man but it barely changed a thing. The man just made them pull aside and went to ask the masters themselves. Tousei rubbed his forehead, he felt so stressed.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s not your fault, Tousei-kun!” Haise gave his shoulder a squeeze.

It felt like a lifetime before the man came back with… _Father._ Tousei got out of the car immediately, followed by Arima and Haise. Five years had passed but his father had barely changed. The same glasses, the same three-pieces suit, the same haircut, maybe a little more greyish, the same cold and piercing eyes, the same severe face. Tousei felt a lot of confused things overwhelm him and silenced the voice when it said it was desire. _It’s not desire. I desire Arima, not him._

“G-Good afternoon, father” he bowed awkwardly.

“What are you doing here?” He had a sharp voice and lit a cigarette.

“I wanted to see you, and mother, and Hiro, and Saki… To introduce you to my lover, Arima Kishou, and my student, Sasaki Haise.” Tousei was designating them while talking. “I’m working for the CCG now, father, I…”

“Your mother isn’t here…” Masamune cut him “Hiro had another child and his wife is really tired, she went to help them with the baby. You know, Saki has always been so fragile…”

“I-I see… Send them my regards.”

“I will.”

Awkward silence laid upon them for several minutes as Tousei’s father finished his cigarette. Then he waved to the house, offering some tea. They accepted it politely and followed him to a little room. Masamune ordered the tea, it was something very specific, as usual. He kneeled by the table lightening another cigarette, followed by Tousei. Arima noticed they were smoking the same brand and had the exact same way of lightening, holding the cigarette, even of blowing the smoke. Tousei should have learnt it from his father, or at least by watching him. Kishimoto Masamune was impressive. He wasn’t especially tall or muscled but Arima knew immediately he wasn’t the type to mess with. He could understand why his meeting with Matsuri had triggered so many things in Tousei’s mind. The men weren’t physically alike but they both had that deadly aura of a dangerous predator.

“Honestly, Tousei, I never thought you’d ever come back home.”

“I-I’m just passing by, though…”

“I know. But I’m glad you’re here.” He put his hand on Tousei’s arm gently and the boy shivered “I missed you, Tousei.” He shivered even more.

“Father…”

He was looking for an answer when some girl entered to serve the tea. Tousei didn’t know her either, he guessed he had been absent from the house for too long. Tousei was freed from his father’s hand. They all took a sip of tea. Except for Haise who kept awkwardly his cup in his hand, stuck with a drink he couldn’t stomach and way too stressed and shy to say anything about it. He looked at Arima in despair but he saw the man was too busy restraining from throwing his fist at Masamune’s face. The half-ghoul didn’t feel like it was such a good idea anymore. But he remembered Tousei’s discomfort when his father barely touched him. _Please, be strong… the both of you._  

 

“Tousei-kun, I didn’t know your family was that rich.”

“Aaah… True, I’ve never mentioned it.”

Haise was looking at Tousei’s room. It was exactly as he left it. Quite impersonal. White walls with nothing on them. A lot of books. Psychology books and annals of the Academy exams. A desk, a bed, a closet.

“I remember your flat was that minimalist as well.” Arima said.

“Yeah… I’m bad at decorating.”

“It’s fine…” Arima wrapped his arms around Tousei’s waist and hugged him tenderly from behind. Haise was looking at the books. Arima nuzzled Tousei’s hair “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know… Do you think it was a good idea to accept to stay the night?”

“It’s a too long drive home, Tousei. We’re all exhausted.”

“Don’t worry, Tousei, we’re with you.” Haise joined in for a group hug.

“Th-Thank you…”

 

He couldn’t sleep. He felt terribly wrong, sleeping in his old room. Though Arima was holding him close and tenderly there still was this awful knot in his stomach. He felt like throwing up. He didn’t quite know the reason. Haise was in the room as well, sleeping on a futon by the bed. They were there with him so why was he so afraid? He felt too hot under the blanket and too cold without it. He could barely breathe. His chest was ice cold and burning like hell at the same time. His heart pounding really fast again his chest. He nuzzled Arima’s neck and put his hands on his lover’s torso. He didn’t feel any better. Under the palm of his hand Arima’s heart was racing as well.

“Kishou…” he called, before kissing tenderly the skin of his neck “Kishou…”

“Tousei…”

Arima stroked firmly Tousei’s back. He couldn’t sleep either. How could he? He was so afraid. What if he couldn’t protect Tousei from this man? What if he wasn’t enough? What if he failed? Their lips caught in a kiss. It was bitter and tasted like anxiety. It wasn’t a nice kiss. Teeth clicking, tongues taking turns to invade each other’s mouth so roughly and possessively, saliva dripping on their chins, loud wet noises. Feeling each other was good but anxiety remained. When they parted Tousei felt somehow embarrassed to have been so intimate with Arima when Haise was in the room. He assumed he was sleeping but he couldn’t be sure.

“I’m sorry… It was a terrible idea. To meet with him again, I wasn’t really thinking…”

“It’s fine, we all agreed to it in the end” Arima gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“But I’ve dragged Haise into this as well.”

“You haven’t. It was… my idea, to begin with” A soft voice answered him, trembling a little.

“Haise? You don’t sleep either?” Arima asked, surprised.

“I can’t… I feel… preyed? I don’t really know, but it’s very oppressing.”

 _Exactly,_ Tousei thought, _You just described how it feels around my father._ He felt Arima shift to hold him closer and he curled onto the man’s chest. He wished they could feel better soon. He was used to those anxious nights in this room. They weren’t. They shouldn’t even be enduring them.

“Haise, don’t stay alone” Arima’s voice was so weak “It doesn’t bother us, come here. Just don’t stay alone with that feeling.”

Soon after they were all cuddling in Tousei’s tiny bed. What happened was nothing planned. It was despair. Haise kissed him. Arima kissed him. Haise and Arima kissed. They all kissed, petting each other’s hair and face, holding each other close. They never went further than that. It was despair. They only needed to touch. So they kissed. And kissed. And kissed. And kissed.


	26. Why do you love me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating last week

Tousei blinked. He felt like in a dream, though the three of them were sharing this tiny bed. _So it happened, right?_

‘Of course it happened, disgusting trash!’

He remembered he was just playing with Haise’s locks when the boy cupped his face to give his lips a hesitant kiss. It became quite heated too quick, they were all as desperate. Arima joined in and they spent quite a time making out, the three of them. It wasn’t sex, it was nothing like sex. Tousei hadn’t even been aroused. But a confused feeling lingered and Tousei caught himself wanting more of it. Again.

‘Just another Fujisaki, hmmm?’

 _Fujisaki-kun…_ He hadn’t seen her since she revealed him her condition. After, Tousei was absent for a month, trying to cope with the news. When he came back she was already on a maternity leave and nobody had heard of her since then. Apparently she was at her parents’ or something. He never tried to reach her and she never tried to reach him. He was okay with that, somehow. It was all her choice after all. But the story with Fujisaki was a one-night thing. Not here. They hadn’t even really done anything but Tousei wanted it to last, the three of them, like this.

‘Your father, your superior, your student… How many men do you need to satisfy you?’

_It’s not like that._

‘It is. You’re a whore.’

_I am not. It’s not like that. You don’t understand._

‘It is. You are. And tomorrow you’ll get on your knees for your father. You’re never satisfied after all. You came back for _it_.’

_I’ll never do that! Never! Never! Never!_

‘This is what you want.’

_No!_

‘So why did you come back home, Tousei?’

 _I don’t know…_ He shifted his head on the pillow and started to cry silently. He could feel Haise sleep calmly against his chest and Arima’s breath on his skin. He cried, staring in blank. The room was pitch black anyway. He felt lips on his cheek and shivered. Arima called his name and stroked his face tenderly.

“You’ll be fine.” He tried to be convincing but there was obvious anxiety in his voice. “We’re here, nothing will happen to you.”

“I’m sorry… I regret coming here, I regret everything, I…”

“Don’t. You need to confront your father about your past and we saw he wouldn’t say a thing with us in the room. You have to be alone to talk to him but if he…” Tousei heard Arima swallow his saliva uneasily “We won’t let it happen.”

“It’s all in my head…”

“He’s an oppressive figure. Haise and I are terribly uneasy around him.”

“Haise…” Tousei played nervously with the boy’s hair “I have…” He chocked on a sob. “Everything is so wrong with me…”

“Nothing’s wrong with you. You should get some sleep.”

“I… can’t…”

“I’ll read you something, okay?”

Arima switched on the light and even if it was soft Tousei felt like his eyes were pierced. Arima put on his glasses and sleepily went to the bookshelf. He grabbed the first book that wasn’t work-related and came back to bed, careful not to wake up Haise.

“I hope _The Little Prince_ is fine, though…”

 

When Tousei opened his eyes, Haise was still holding onto him. He wasn’t sleeping anymore and welcomed him with a warm but nervous smile. Arima wasn’t here. Tousei glanced at the clock. 9am. Tousei felt weird about last night and he just patted the boy on the head before getting up. His mind was foggy and he felt nauseous. He was hot and cold like after a nightmare. He sat at the edge on the bed and rubbed his arms. He didn’t feel ready at all. And Arima wasn’t there. He ran his fingers messily into his hair and onto his face when he felt two hands massaging his shoulders. _Haise…_

“You’ll be fine.” Really, Haise was way better at it than Arima and Tousei could almost purr under his touch. If he weren’t so stressed. “I-I’m sorry, for yesterday… I-I d-didn’t…”

“It’s fine, Haise.” He looked down. “We all needed that, honestly.”

 _And it’s not like I never thought about it, to be honest._ Tousei pinched the bridge of his nose. He felt like throwing up. Why was Haise apologizing? Why was everything happening now? Why couldn’t he just roll up in a corner and disappear without a trace? Why did he come here? _I fled from home so why?_ He flung his head back to rest it against Haise’s shoulder. The boy stopped his massage.

“Tou-Tousei?”

 _Why am I here?_ He was hugged close by Haise, a hand petted his hair. _I fled by the window._ _I jumped down and ran away._ He heard the boy say something again but was too lost in his own thinking to know what were his words. _Now I’m back to slam the door behind me. I’ll leave and never come back._

“I-I shouldn’t say this… maybe it’s just me…” he heard Haise say.

_I’m not here to say goodbye._

“I-I’m really sorry…” what was Haise talking about?

_It’s farewell._

“Please, come in.”

Tousei was nervous when he entered his father’s office. It was all like he remembered. Just looking at the desk was painful. He swallowed his anxiety, determined not to let his feelings overwhelm him. _It happened in my head._ He sat on the chair, legs crossed, waiting for his father to stop writing. He was shaking. _Arima and Haise are waiting outside. You’re safe. It happened in my head anyway._

‘Kneel down. You’re here for this.’

He heard the sound of his father’s pen firmly put down on the desk and his eyes met with cold ones. He lit a cigarette to gain some composure and his father pushed the ashtray in his direction. He mumbled a shy thank you.

“I know why you’re here, Tousei.”

“Re-really?” Tousei felt like on a dissection table.

“Yes. You want me to tell you how proud I am, right? Coming here with your… lover and… student?” He almost spat those words “How could I be proud?”

“Fa-Father…” He was on the verge of tears. Well, that wasn’t much of a surprise. Tousei’s life was far from his father’s expectations. “I’ve built… something, at least.”

“Don’t make me laugh, you’re just sleeping with those men, right?”

“Father…” It was hard but he had to say it. He had to say it to move on. “Pl-Please stop being mad at me for escaping this family’s duties. Y-You could have escaped them too, it was your choice, and this is mine and…”

“Enough!” His father cut him, standing up angrily and playing with his glasses “You disappointed me all along, this is why I am mad at you.” He tilted Tousei’s chin to have a better look at his face and Tousei felt sick under his touch “You never learnt a goddam thing. And you want me to be… proud?”

“Y-yes… The family isn’t in danger, you have Hiro and… I-I swear, father, if I could it would have been me. But it was too much and I-I’ve always wanted to make you proud but I couldn’t, I couldn’t…” He bit his lip not to cry. _Be strong._ “I couldn’t do it your way.”

“I could forgive you, Tousei…” He caressed his face with the tips of his fingers “If you’re good to me.” His fingers stopped on his lips, forced their way in, pressed against his tongue “Will you be good to me, Tousei?” He removed his fingers from him.

Tousei’s heart was beating wild. _It happened in my head._ But what was just that? His fingers touching his face, his lips, his tongue. The words he spoke. Everything the same as he remembered, everything the same as in his fantasies. _But it all happened in my head, right?_

‘Are you sure?’

He was so confused. He had to say something. He couldn’t look at him in the eyes and he could still taste his father’s fingers on his tongue. _Way too real to be a fantasy but… father…_ He had to say something.

“D-Don’t touch me…” he managed to voice.

“After what you did to me, to this family, you should be grateful I’ve worked this hard for you, Tousei.” His father was pulling his hair roughly “You should be grateful I still love you.”

“You… don’t…” Tousei knew he was playing a dangerous game “It was only for you. Your pride, your own pleasure. Not me. Never me.”

He received a slap. He saw that coming. His father always hit him when he didn’t find the words to answer him. It took some time for Tousei to realize it was because he was right and his father was pissed he was right. He was about to receive another slap but caught his father’s hand midair. He should thank the CCG for all his close-combat training. It was dangerous, he knew it. But he had to know he was stronger than his father now.

“I said don’t touch me. I’m not your little doll anymore.” His voice sounded deadly. And he squeezed his father’s hand “I’m not your fucking possession anymore… _father.”_

He let go of his hand and got up as well. He was really angry. If his father were to try anything he was ready to fight him. But he wasn’t moving a finger, just looking at him with… hungry eyes. Tousei shivered.

“Are you done?” He asked and Tousei clenched his fists as an answer. “Your angry face is really beautiful, you know.” He took a step further. They got so close their bodies were almost touching.

“Enough…” Years ago Tousei would have frozen on the spot at such a remark, giving his father an obvious advantage. Silence laid upon them for several minutes. “You’re so insane!” More silence. “I’m lea-leaving now.” He headed towards the door.

“Ah, Tousei…” His father faked annoyance. “You really are a disappointment after all.”

Tousei went out, slamming the door behind him.


	27. My borderline affection

Tousei was shivering, he couldn’t stop shivering. _This is real. Please tell me this is real._ He couldn’t believe it. He had let it all out. He had said all those things to his father and walked out his office safe. _Please tell me this is real._ They were all silent and Arima was driving. They were going home. And Tousei was safe.

‘This is real.’

He was happy. He couldn’t be happier. He was smiling probably. This felt so unreal. He was going home, he was safe, nothing happened and he got free. He slammed the door behind him, he put the photograph where it belonged. He was free from everything. Free from everything.

“Tousei… are you okay?”

 _Haise._ The boy had put a hand on his shoulder and he squeezed it softly to make his friend aware of his presence. He should say something now. He had just told them they needed to leave once he had closed the door behind him. They had grabbed their things quickly and left in a hurry. And they were driving. In complete silence. He should say something but he didn’t know where to start. It felt so unreal.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.”

He put a hand on Haise’s and it made him feel warm in his chest. It was probably due to what happened last night, Tousei was well-aware of it. None of them spoke about it after all, they all assumed it was stress-related. _My feelings are always so wrong, I love living in emotional drama._ That wasn’t completely true. His mental condition made all his feelings too powerful to begin with, Tousei never felt things slightly. It was all or nothing. Always. And he liked Haise so he shouldn’t be surprised he was on a dangerous path, always menacing to cross the forbidden line. _This is why I’m called borderline._

“You’re sure?” Arima’s voice was cold but Tousei knew it was because of his worry.

“Y-Yes. He tried but he didn’t…” He could feel both Haise and Arima tense “I said all the things I had to say. And I came out safe.”

“I’m glad.” His voice was trembling a bit now, he should be relieved “I really was worried.”

“I know… I’m sorry. It’s over now.”

“Don’t apologize…” Haise was sobbing a bit, the pressure was down and they were all feeling pretty exhausted “I’m happy… for you…”

“Haise, don’t cry…” If the boy cried, Tousei would end up crying as well. “Everything is fine.”

“I’m happy… that’s all.”

“Sssh…” Tousei ran his hand on Haise’s neck and touched his cheek “No need to cry.”

“It’s just that I…” Haise paused, sobbing a little “It’s just that you’re very important to me, Tousei.”

“Th-Thank you.” He blushed.

Though he felt like there were so many unspoken words between the three of them.

 

“Tousei…” Arima whispered “Tousei, I’m tired.”

He didn’t answer, trailing hungry kisses on his lover’s jaw. It had been so long, too long. And things had been so ambiguous at his family home, he needed to make them clear again. He needed Arima. He needed his touch. He needed to touch. It was pleasant, no intrusive thoughts. But he knew Arima was tired, it had been rough for all of them. But he needed it, oh how bad he needed it.

“Tou… sei, I can’t.”

Arima was moaning his name though and Tousei straddled his hips, still saying nothing. He unbuttoned his shirt and massaged the revealed skin. Arima tensed when he kissed his chest, down to his nipples. He sucked on them, making Arima moan even more. _I should stop, he said he can’t._ Though fingers ran into his hair, petting his head gently. Tousei went for more, getting Arima rid of his shirt, undoing his belt, drawing the lines of his torso with his mouth and tongue. Maybe he was a little too fast, maybe he was a little too eager.

“Tousei…” Arima whispered, cupping his cheek in his hand “Please, do me.”

Tousei stopped all of a sudden. This was the last thing he expected from Arima. He kissed him as an answer. He was afraid a bit, he never did that. He could receive but could he give? Arima’s eyes were pleading him and when he palmed his clothed erection Tousei felt he really wanted him. He blushed but deepened the kiss all the same, moving his hand a little more. Arima was shivering, it was nice to give him such feelings. _More._ He started to undo his pants again, fumbling with the fabric for he was too desperate. _More._ He got himself naked as well, rubbing their entire naked bodies together, too hesitant to go further, kissing Arima all teeth and tongue, stroking both their erected members messily. When they parted, fingers played softly with his hair. Tousei noticed Arima’s glasses were all foggy and he smiled.

“Tousei…” Arima nuzzled his neck and kissed him there tenderly “I need you…”

He sounded weak somehow and it was painful. Tousei hesitated no more and sucked on his own fingers before putting one at Arima’s hole when they were all slick with saliva. The man tensed and gripped on Tousei, nuzzling his neck even more.

“Kishou… you’re doing fine.”

He waited for him to relax before pushing one of his finger inside. Arima screamed his name and his nails entered Tousei’s skin.

“Are you okay?” Tousei’s voice trembled with concern.

“Y-Yes… More, please.”

“Kishou…”

Tousei kissed his lips softly as he moved gently his finger inside. It was warm and very tight, he was really afraid he could hurt him. But Arima moaned in their kiss and started to move his hips alongside Tousei’s hand. He added another finger at Arima’s command and then another again, stretching his insides in the softest way he could. Arima was so beautiful to look at, pleading, needy, his face all blushed, his pants erratic. Tousei curled his fingers up and Arima mewled when he found his prostate.

“Tousei!” he almost yelled “Pl-please… I need… you… in-inside.”

Tousei was so taken aback he stopped moving for a second. His cock had twitched at his lover’s words. He heard him sigh when he withdrew his fingers from him and felt him tense again when he positioned the head of his cock at Arima’s hole. He leaned down to give his lips a peck, trying to hide how afraid he was.

“Kishou…” he called but his voice trembled.

“Don’t think too much, Tousei. Just… do it…” he blushed “please…”

“Kishou…”

 _Kishou, don’t beg me._ He pushed himself in a bit. It was warm, tight, good, so good. He felt Arima clench around him, adapting to his size. He asked for more and Tousei buried all his length in. _It’s so good._ Arima’s nails were leaving bloody trails on his back now but he couldn’t care less. They stood still a bit and Arima finally bucked his hips, moaning Tousei’s name. Tousei finally managed to make his thrusts match Arima’s. He started to be a little less insecure and he felt Arima’s legs hook around his waist, trying to get him deeper.

“Ki… shou… Kishou, you feel so good.” He was crying almost.

“Tou… sei…”

Arima’s hair was a mess, sweat drops were forming on his forehead. _You’re so beautiful, Kishou._ Tousei quickened the pace of his thrusts, encouraged by Arima’s sweet pants and moans. He was grunting as well.

“Ki-Kishou, you f-feel re-really good.”

“T-Tousei, I’m close…”

“Me too.”

Tousei was panting heavily, his thrusts deep and quick but still gentle. He leaned down to kiss Arima. It was a messy kiss, teeth clicking and saliva dropping down Arima’s chin. _I love you, Kishou._ Few more thrusts and he was releasing himself in Arima, calling his name, saying how good he was once again. The praising was more than Arima could take and he came right after. When Tousei tried to pull out, he put his hands on his butt to keep him inside a little more.

“Please Tousei, it felt so good.”

“Kishou…” he blushed even more, lied against his lover as he felt his cock soften still inside of him “I love you so much, Kishou.” He ran his fingers onto his skin.

“I love you too” he kissed the top of his head “Thank you, Tousei.”

“Don’t… it was good for me too.”

“But… you’re the first one… to do this, to me…”

“Kishou…” he trailed kisses on his chest “Thank you for trusting me like this.”

 _Something feels wrong in my chest._ The hands petting his hair and back were nice, him still inside of Arima was nice somehow. _But something feels wrong in my chest._

‘Whore.’

 

 


	28. And we're inches apart and it feels so cold

“Tousei?”

“Hmmm?”

“You think about it, right?”

“About what, Kishou?”

“Haise.”

“I-I’m sorry… I do think about him but right now when we… I swear I didn’t.”

“I know, don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I know you’re trying. You’re still here after all. With me.”

“I-I still love you, even if I drift a bit I…”

“Sssh… I know.”

Silence.

“Tousei?”

“Yes, Kishou?”

“You can drift a bit but… pl-please don’t leave me.”

“Don’t say that… please don’t say that… don’t doubt me.”

“S-Sorry, I…”

“It’s not your fault, it’s just… I can’t see myself but through the others’ eyes and right now I saw myself failing you and I… hated myself deeply.”

“I didn’t know. Sorry, for being selfish.”

“It’s fine… I’m the selfish one. If you want me to trust myself, you have to trust me first. I only exist in the eyes of the beholder… and you’re the beholder, Kishou.”

“I wasn’t doubting you, I was just trying to selfishly voicing my insecurity.”

“I know. I’m quite… a complicated one.”

“That makes you so interesting. And lovely. You’re so devoted when you care.”

“I’m actually giving away pieces of myself, honestly…”

“So give them to me, the pieces of you.”

“Kishou…”

“I’ll cherish them for you.”

Silence.

“Tousei, give yourself to me.”

 

His mind shouldn’t blank out like this. Not now. Why was it remembering this conversation now? He should focus on his exam instead, this was important. The Washuus were expecting him to pass them quite easily. They didn’t know Tousei could be good at analyzing people but terrible at everything linked to school… and exams. He was so stressed out he was dissociating, thinking about what Arima and him talked about few days ago. His hand was writing words by automatism but his mind was with his lover. _This is so wrong, if I pass… this is joke._ He didn’t know what he was writing. He hoped it’d do. His mind was too numb to even read it. _I’m a joke._ Exams were always an awful experience. It was always so difficult for him to take them. He knew he wasn’t quite adapted to the educative system, not with his dissociative brain. He saw himself getting up twenty minutes before the supposed end of the exam and deliver his work to the person in charge. He signed some sheet and got out quickly. Outside, he wasn’t even feeling better. He put some headphones on, a loud music reached his ears. It changed nothing. He still wasn’t here. He took some train to the CCG’s headquarters more by automatism than anything. Same with the elevator. But instead of going straight to his desk he went to Kishou’s.

“You’re strong enough, don’t worry.”

Tousei’s hands stopped midair as he was about to knock at the door. This was Arima’s voice. He was with somebody. _Haise?_ That was the first name than ran through his head. He should go to his desk instead, he shouldn’t stay before that door in such an awkward way. He shouldn’t listen like that to what they were saying. This was wrong. But Tousei wasn’t really listening anyway. He was just standing here. And words were spoken. He was hearing them, not listening to them. _Go back to your desk now._ He didn’t move.

“You’ll be an amazing parent, don’t doubt yourself.” Arima’s voice went on “I’m sure Tousei thinks the same of you.”

“I-I… You both are… too nice to me…”

That was Haise’s voice. Tousei kept his hands close to his chest. His heart was beating way too fast. _Calm down, there’s no use._ But there were so many things they needed to talk about, there were so many things Tousei needed to voice. He just had to put his hand on the knob. He just had to open this door. It was as simple as that. _Don’t be selfish. Don’t bother them._

“Haise, please…” A sound that Tousei couldn’t identify “Haise, please don’t cry.” Arima’s voice was soft, caring, comforting “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Just silence and the faint sound of sobs. Tousei’s heart clenched in his chest, beating wild against his ribcage. It was barely bearable, to hear him cry like this. He wasn’t supposed to be here after all. _Turn around, go away._ But his body wouldn’t obey, he just was frozen on the spot before that door. Nobody was around to drag him out of his dissociation. Maybe this was just a dream after all, maybe he’d just wake up and take his exam… for real, this time. _Go away, now._

‘But Haise is crying.’

_Right. Haise is crying._

“Everything’s so wrong, Arima-san.”

“What is wrong, Haise?” Silence. That sound again. What was it? “It’s Tousei, isn’t it?”

He should leave now. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear such thing. And at the same time he was so curious, oh so curious. This was bad. He shouldn’t be here. He should even listen to that. If only his body could move…

“I’m sorry…” Haise was choking on his sobs “I can’t help myself… the way he’s looking at me…” He was saying something else but this was where Tousei’s mind got blank for a second. Haise’s words were like a bomb, blasting everything away. He managed to catch some pieces, somehow. “Both so unreachable… what should I do?... feels so wrong… sorry, Arima-san…”

“Tousei…” Arima. “Excessive feelings… confusing…”

“No!” Haise again. “It’s not that! You can’t have forgotten!”

_I don’t understand. I wasn’t supposed to hear that. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t un-_

 

He blacked out. He knew he blacked out for when he came back to his senses both Arima and Haise were anxiously staring at him. _What happened?_ What did he do? Did he open that door? Did he disturb them when they were talking about him? It was too much to bear but he never thought he’d black out this way. He blinked several times. Was it reality or a fucked up dream? How could he tell? Was this day real to begin with? It never felt real to him.

‘It’s only because you chose to listen to everything.’

_It’s not my fault, I couldn’t move._

‘Of course you could. You just chose not to.’

_I couldn’t! I couldn’t! I couldn’t! I couldn’t! I couldn’t! I couldn’t!_

Even Arima’s hand cupping his cheek, even Arima’s finger stroking his skin nervously, even Arima’s trembling lips on his, even Arima’s voice saying his name when they parted… none of this felt real. _Why?_ He didn’t know. He was doing okay lately. Was it the exam, dreadful word he couldn’t hear without starting to panic? Or was it what they were saying and he chose to forget? _I don’t understand._ Haise was standing aside, still crying.

“What… happened to me?” Tousei weakly said.

“I thought you could tell us. You just came in suddenly with that empty look…” Arima squeezed Tousei’s hands nervously. Since when Arima was holding his hands? “Is that the exam? Didn’t it go well?”

“I don’t know…” Tousei glanced at Haise “I wasn’t there.”

“You didn’t take it?”

 “I took it… but I wasn’t there.”

Arima answered with a hug. Haise was standing aside, still crying. The look he gave them was painful. Why was he crying like this? _Think, Tousei. Remember._ They were talking about him, what were they saying? Right, something about his excessive emotions, something about him being confusing. Of course, he was confusing Haise, it wasn’t like he could hide all those things he felt for the boy. The fact that he wasn’t betraying Arima didn’t mean he wasn’t spreading false hope all around him. Especially after what happened at the Kishimoto mansion. He should have known, why didn’t he realize it?

‘Because you didn’t want to think about it.’

 _I’m a terrible person._ He wanted to disappear. He looked down.

“Haise, I’m sorry.” Their eyes met. The half-ghoul obviously didn’t know why he was apologizing. “I didn’t mean to… I never meant to confuse you like this.”

Haise opened his mouth to answer but Arima was faster.

“It’s not your fault, Tousei. It’s ours. Haise’s, yours and mine. We never talked about what happened between us though we were all confused and thinking about it. Our relationships have changed. Nothing feels the same between any of us. A border has been crossed… We need… We need to talk.”

“Kishou, do you really think this is…”

“We can’t stay like that, Tousei. We’re suffering. All of us. We need to talk.”


	29. Ask me why and I'll die

“Kishou, wait…”

Arima didn’t answer and Tousei’s back hit the wall quite roughly. The kiss was rough as well. So full of despair. Tousei didn’t understand. He was still dissociating after all. Wasn’t it why Arima delayed the so needed chat with Haise? If only he could think clearly, this shit would have been solved quickly. Because of him, it was delayed. Again. Or maybe they weren’t really ready to talk after all, even if it was needed. Maybe Arima wasn’t ready to talk. Maybe he was too afraid of what could be said. Maybe this was why he kissed him so desperately. _But I’m not going anywhere._ Tousei put his hands on Arima’s neck, some of his fingers playing with his white lock, kissing him back, trying to make it soft, trying to reassure him. They had to part, they were out of breath already.

“Kishou…”

Tousei laid his eyes on him. Arima’s eyes were closed. And he was frowning. That wasn’t good. It tended to happen too often lately. Tousei massaged his neck gently. Arima was very quiet, too quiet.

“Kishou, are you having one those headaches again?”

“I’m fine…”

“Don’t lie.”

“It’ll pass” Arima held him closer, nuzzled his hair gently “Don’t worry.”

“Kishou, I told you not to lie.”

They hugged like this for a while. Arima seemed very tired lately, Tousei wondered why. His work didn’t seem to be more exhausting than usual. But Tousei noticed Arima had problems to focus when he read, he also had headaches and his eyesight appeared to have worsen somehow. Tousei made sure he slept enough but it barely changed things. He was probably too anxious about everything to have proper rest. Tousei’s hands were now massaging Arima’s shoulders. The man was very tensed.

“Kishou…” he whispered “Kishou, you should take a bath. It’ll help you relax.”

“Hmm…” Arima squeezed him a little tighter “Only if you take it with me.”

“Su-sure” Tousei blushed a bit “Let me take care of it.”

He detached himself from Arima and went straight to the bathroom. He put the water at the right temperature and let the tub get filled. He startled when he felt Arima’s arms wrap around his waist when he got up. _Kishou._ He shivered when Arima’s lips kissed his temple softly. Tousei looked at him. He seemed so tired it was painful. He stroked Arima’s cheek with the back of his fingers. He moved away only to stop the running water from flooding the entire bathroom. He saw Arima was silently undressing and did the same, a bit embarrassed. He shouldn’t, really, it wasn’t like they never saw each other naked. But Tousei felt a bit self-conscious, removing his clothes like this, when they were about to… do something else than sex. _I’m just being silly. He just wants to be with me._ They got in the warm water still in silence. Tousei noticed Arima forgot to take off his glasses and they were now all foggy. He removed them carefully and put them aside.

“Come closer” Arima said “I’ll wash your hair.”

“Not in the tub, Kishou. You’ll put shampoo everywhere.”

“I don’t care. Come closer.”

“O-okay.”

He got closer, blushing and keeping his head down. _I’m silly._ Arima remained silent when he grabbed the bottle of shampoo and started to wash Tousei’s hair. He was very gentle, it was pleasant. _But every little thing he does makes me so happy._ He took his time, making sure to massage every inch of Tousei’s head. Tousei felt like purring, Arima really was skilled. _I don’t wanna lose him._ But he hurt in his chest and was about to cry by any second. He should apologize, for betraying Arima’s feelings like this.

“I…” he started, voice stammering “Kishou, I-I…”

“I’m ill” Arima cut him suddenly, his hands never stopping. They both stayed silent for a while. _Wh-what?_ And Arima repeated, even more slowly “I’m ill, Tousei. I don’t have much time left, so if there’s something between you and Haise I think you should…”

The sound of a slap filled suddenly the room. Tousei was staring in blank, completely shocked. Did he just…? He wanted to apologize but no sound left his throat. Arima looked back at him with visible surprise in his eyes. Tousei’s hand was hurting from the slap and he brought it back to his chest in embarrassment. _I’m sorry._ He lowered his head as well. _Please don’t leave me. I really am sorry._ He felt really sad all of a sudden, there was no way Arima could be… dying, right? Not after all this, not after all the efforts he made to bring the two of them together. It couldn’t be. This was just another stupid nightmare… right?

“Tousei, forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Don’t go…” Great, now he was starting to cry. How pathetic and selfish could he be? “Please don’t go… I don’t want you to go. I wanna stay.”

“Tousei, it will get worse. It’s better to go separate ways.”

But Arima’s hands were saying the exact opposite, touching him like that. They didn’t want to let go and it was too obvious. _Are you a fool?_ Tousei was shivering all over, he tried desperately to keep his tears to himself but it hurt too much. They were happy, almost. Why this? Why now? Couldn’t he be happy? Couldn’t Kishou be happy as well? Couldn’t they be happy together? As if his mental disorder wasn’t enough… why was Arima sick as well? Why were they that broken? _I don’t want Haise in my life, not like this…_ He put a trembling hand on Arima’s chest. _Not without you._

“Don’t give up, Kishou. Not after all the efforts you made to make this relationship happen. And I don’t know what you imagined but Haise never replaced you in my heart. I still… love _you_ , Kishou.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so afraid.” Arima’s hands held him closer to his chest. “I’m eating your shampoo.” Arima chuckled.

“That’s your fault, you wanted to wash my hair.”

“True.”

They stayed silent for a little while. Tousei detached himself from Arima to go rinse his hair. Then he went back curling onto his lover’s chest.

“Better, right?” Arima just nodded as an answer. Tousei could tell he was close to crying. He traced circles on the naked skin with his fingers “You want me to stay, right?”

“Y-Yes” Arima squeezed him a bit when he talked “B-But…”

“Sssh… I’ll stay.” He gave his chest a soft kiss. _I’ll find something, Kishou. I won’t let you die._

 

The next day Tousei started to make researches regarding Arima. He even skipped his classes to go take a look into the archives. But he found nothing. To his very surprised it was like this man was a ghost. All the reports linked to him were stamped classified and Tousei wasn’t allowed such access. He couldn’t ask for it either or it’d be suspicious. _Kishou, what did they do to you?_ He started to wonder. Wasn’t Arima just an agent? It couldn’t be. All those secrets around his childhood, childhood Arima even barely mentioned with him. Tousei remembered he spoke about a garden once, when Tousei asked for more out of curiosity he answered it wasn’t an interesting story. Tousei insisted and tried to ask him questions sometimes but Arima never spoke about it. Tousei first thought he was shy or something but now it seemed to him there was something bigger behind his silence. _He’s protecting me. Again._ Even internet and the medical archives were a failure. _What did they do to you? How bad can it be if I’m not allowed to know?_

He started to be desperate. He had thought he could find something, a medical report or anything. But the CCG was acting hard to protect their secret. And as the infructuous days passed Tousei’s anxiety raised. _Who could know? Kishou isn’t very talkative._ Maybe he could ask Matsuri for access to the confidential archives, saying it was for school… No, no way he could buy it. Arima’s subordinates? No, he’d just worry them, Arima surely didn’t want such thing to happen. He thought of Hirako for a second, he knew Arima and he were close, Tousei even went out with them for a drink a couple of times. But were they close enough? _I don’t know. Maybe Kishou told him nothing either._ That was a dangerous bet, bringing in such a close friend into this mess. _But I can’t do this alone. And Hirako probably has connections I haven’t._ He hesitated no more and dialed Hirako’s number on his phone.

Yes. Perhaps it was selfish.

But he couldn’t just watch Arima die. He had to do something, anything. But…

‘He’ll die. Soon. It’s fate. Monsters aren't allowed happiness.’

_But Kishou is…_

‘Probably a monster as well.’

_…_

‘Just like you.’


	30. He needs you like he needs some pills

“Please, come in.”

“Thanks, sorry to bother you like this.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry.”

Tousei entered Hirako’s flat. He was welcomed by the dog and he kneeled down to stroke him gently, calling him a good boy. Tousei always loved animals, petting them was so comforting he could do it endlessly. He smiled as the dog rubbed himself more against Tousei, asking for more petting. He even chuckled as he petted his ears. It was a lot easier with animals too. There were no social act. He just had to be. He stopped when he saw Hirako’s hand pet the dog’s back as well.

“Sorry, I got carried away…”

“Don’t apologize.” There was a ghost of a smile on Hirako’s lips “It feels good, right? You can hold him if you want. I’m going to make coffee.”

“Ah, th-thanks.”

Tousei took the dog in his arms and got up. The animal twitched a little and tried to lick his face several times. It made him giggle. It really was comforting. The pet was at least as full of love as Tousei was. And always asking for attention. _Just like me…_ He carried him in his arms until he sat on the couch. The dog probably wasn’t allowed on since he came to lie at Tousei’s feet. Hirako arrived few seconds later with coffee and extended Tousei a cup.

“Thank you.”

“You’re glowing” Hirako noticed as he sat next to Tousei “You should tell Kishou to get you a dog. It could help you.”

“I’m not sure he’d agree…”

“You don’t know” he took a sip of his coffee “Kishou can be full of surprise… speaking of which, what is so urgent, Tousei-kun? Did you two argue?”

“N-No… It’s Kishou.” Tousei played with his cup nervously “He’s not going well, physically, I mean and he doesn’t tell me anything… I’m worried!” _Don’t cry._ His eyes were burning. _Be strong for once!_ “I tried to look things up but…”

“Of course, you found nothing. They act paranoid about it.”

“So… you do know something!” Hope made his voice shiver and he quickly dried his eyes on his sleeve.

“I do… but it’s not a pretty story. You’re sure you want to hear it?”

“Please! I need to know!”

“Okay…”

Hirako put down his cup and started to talk.

 

Tousei closed the door behind him. He was still under the shock of Hirako’s words. Arima not being completely human. And especially Arima about to… soon. He couldn’t even think about it without being sick to his stomach. Their lives were just two stupid jokes, he would laugh if it weren’t that tragic at the same time. And of course there was nothing he could do. Because Arima’s entire biologic system had been changed. He was angry, or maybe sad, or maybe both. The hell if he knew. He just felt like destroying everything, himself included. He took off his coat and shoes and walked awkwardly to the kitchen. He needed coffee. He made some water boil and felt a presence behind him. _Kishou_. He should turn around and say something. But what now?

“Where were you?” Arima just asked, with no annoyance nor suspicion in his voice.

“I-I came to see Hirako, he sa-says hi by the way…”

“Hirako?” Arima paused and put his hands on Tousei’s shoulders to massage them “What did he tell you?”

“Everything” Tousei’s hands shivered when he poured the coffee “I… know, Kishou.”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you. I tried but…”

“Don’t apologize” Tousei cut him. “I understand completely why you couldn’t say such things to someone you care about.”

“You’re hurt” Arima noticed when he took the cup his lover handed him.

“Of course… I thought I could, you know, do something. Or at least try. But we can’t even… or the CCG…” he started sobbing.

Arima put his cup on the counter and wrapped gently his arms around Tousei. The boy turned around to hook his arms around Arima’s neck. The man wanted to say something, apologize again or whatever but he knew it was no use. Tousei didn’t want him to apologize to something he wasn’t responsible for. It hurt. Seeing his lover like this, crying against his chest. If only he could cut off his pain, the pain he was indulging him. But Tousei wouldn’t let him go, right? He tried but the boy just gripped harder on him. And the truth was… Arima didn’t want to let him go either. But wasn’t it selfish, to keep him by his side when he knew how the story would end?

“I just wanted to spare you this pain. I still do.”

“It’s okay, Kishou. It’s not your fault.”

_I know perfectly how to spare me this pain. Few pills in my coffee. And everything is back to normal._

“Hey!” Tousei’s head was suddenly tilted and he was forced to face Arima’s angry eyes “Don’t even think about taking that shit!”

“I wasn’t…”

“Don’t lie!”

Arms were wrapped tighter around him. Lips met his in a desperate kiss. How bad he needed a pill, honestly. He loved Arima with all his heart but the more they kissed the more painful it was in his chest. He closed his eyes and tears rolled down his cheeks. He tried to break the kiss several times but Arima was way stronger than him. It hurt and hurt and hurt until it hurt no more. He started dissociating. He hated it, he hated his brain. Arima seemed to notice since everything stopped and he looked down at him. His eyes seemed concerned but Tousei couldn’t exactly tell. He was pretty bad at reading faces while dissociating. He let go of him as well, muttered something about a shower, to help him with his body or something like that. Tousei just nodded and walked towards the bathroom in auto-mode. He started to shower but instead of helping him to focus on his body he felt like it dragged him away even more. He could tell the water was hot because the room was all foggy. And his skin quite red. But he didn’t feel a single thing. He also heard a door in the distance. He understood it was the bathroom’s only when Arima’s hand came to cool down the water.

“Good thing I told you to wait for me, you got burnt last time, remember?”

Arima was speaking but Tousei wasn’t quite sure about what he was saying. The man seemed to understand his confusion since he tested the water several times before letting Tousei get under it.

“How does it feel?”

“Nice.” A voice (his voice) answered. But that was a lie. He wasn’t feeling anything.

“Good, let me take care of you.”

He was about to protest but he knew it was of no use. He saw Arima’s hands washing him clean more than he actually felt them even though he tried his best to focus. This body was just not his. A body that fiercely reacted when Arima touched some sensitive areas, Tousei couldn’t really feel but he heard a moan (his moan) and saw Arima’s fingers around his member. _Not mine._

“Ki… shou…” his voice echoed in the distance.

It felt all so far away. Arima’s touching, the words he was saying, his own pants and grunts, even his own climax. He couldn’t really say when his lover got inside but he saw he took (or at least this body) a lot of pleasure in it. He didn’t care, he couldn’t care. The body was reacting but his mind was just so blank.

“Kishou…”

He didn’t know what he was pleading for. More? Or him to stop? _I don’t care._ Far away Arima said he loved him so much. _He can have it, this body, each inch of it. I don’t care. I just want him to feel better._

“Kishou, I… Ki-shou!”

_If my mind dissociates, if this body doesn’t feel real to me… at least it feels very real to him._

There was some messy kiss and this was probably where they both climaxed, or he assumed so. Everything was so confused in Tousei’s head. He kept hoping Arima was feeling good. They kissed again. It was more tender. It almost felt like an apology. _If this body can make him feel good then… I don’t care about me._

“I’m sorry, Tousei. I-I shouldn’t… you’re not here, I… am sorry.”

_Don’t apologize._

“I know we have an agreement, not touching you like that when you’re dissociating. I know, I shouldn’t but… I really am sorry.”

_Hey, it’s fine._

“Forgive me, Tousei. I didn’t really think about… anything.”

_No, don’t cry. I’m not worth crying for._

Sobs. Cries. Arms locked around him. It was hard to move on his own but Tousei managed to put his hands on Arima’s back. To stroke him, or at least he hoped so. Not that he was feeling something anyway.

“It was good to me too, sweetie.”

A lie… was it really a lie? His body… reacted, right?

‘Liar. You’re nothing but a liar.’


	31. Is it still love if we keep hurting each other?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arima PoV

_Tousei…_

_It hurts so much…_

_I’m not worth such devotion._

_Tousei._

_Why didn’t you run away? You were supposed to run away._

_Protect yourself._

_(I don’t want you to run away)_

_From me._

_(I’m glad you’re here)_

_I don’t know what to do anymore._

_(Please stay with me)_

_I’m so selfish._

_(Please stay with me until I die)_

_I’m so sorry._

_(I don’t want to die!)_

_I love you._

_(I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die! I don’t want to…)_

_Tousei…_

_._

_._

_._

He couldn’t sleep. He had no reasons to stay awake like this, so late at night. His eyes were still closed and he rolled on his side. Again. He couldn’t sleep. He was overthinking again. He knew. He knew such things were about to happen. This was why he wasn’t bounding with anyone. Though he finally did. With Tousei. Even with Haise. Everybody wants to connect with each other. It’s human. But it was painful now. Maybe it was just another crisis, maybe he still had time but… but Tousei knew everything. But Tousei was hurt now. He opened his eyes. Tousei was asleep. He looked like a baby, curled up like that. It made Arima smile sadly. It was dark and he hadn’t his glasses on… though he knew Tousei’s sleeping face by heart or at least he hoped he remembered it right.

_I wasn’t supposed to bound with anyone, the Reaper isn’t supposed to bound with anyone._

_Will you ever forgive me?_

He reached a hand to put few of Tousei’s hair behind his ear and the boy muttered some confused sound at the touch. Arima smiled again. A real little baby. He watched him sleep for a while, trying to imagine what kind of pleasant dreams his lover could have right now. He seemed at peace. At least he seemed at peace when he was sleeping. Arima stroked his cheek with the back of his fingers and Tousei made more confused sound. They never really touched when they were sleeping, Tousei always ended to detach him from Arima for some reason. Though the boy could only fall asleep wrapped with human warmth. Arima had given up on it since a long time.

 

_Tousei, I don’t really understand you, even after all this time._

_I was sure you’d run away._

_(I’m glad you didn’t)_

_You still slip through my fingers. I don’t understand._

_(Do you love me like I love you?)_

_Please, tell me what you want. Tell me what to do._

_(Will you still love me after I died?)_

_I just want you to be happy…_

_(Will you still remember me?)_

_Am I being selfish? I don’t even know._

_(I’m sorry I love you.)_

_Tousei, I…_

_._

_._

_._

“Stop staring at me like that.”

“You’re awake.”

“Of course, I’m awake… I told you to stop staring!” Tousei faked pouting.

“No” Arima brought his face even closer “You’re too beautiful.”

“S-Stop…” Tousei blushed and looked down in embarrassment. “Kishou… are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“You’re staring at me, in the middle of the night” Tousei moved himself closer to Arima, putting his head on his chest “Is something wrong?”

“I was just thinking.”

“You should sleep…” Tousei drew circles on his skin gently “You need to rest.”

“Mmm…” Arima played with Tousei’s hair for a while “Tousei, can you read to me?”

“Read?”

“It’ll help me sleep.”

“Sure…” The boy yawned and rubbed his eyes when he switched on the bed light “What do you want me to read?”

“Anything…” Arima put his head in Tousei’s lap.

“I was reading _Timbuktu_ again. It’s a sad story though…”

“Though you love Paul Auster. Read it to me.”

 

_It’s no use. I’m too damaged._

_(I’m such a despicable person.)_

_Fate must be really laughing at me…_

_(That day when I touched you, when you said no)_

_Showing me hope in the very end_

_(I was too desperate to touch you, I needed to touch you)_

_Just right before the fall_

_(It was the first time for me too, Tousei, I…)_

_I have no excuse for what I did to you_

_(I’m sorry I hurt you, sorry I was so hard on you, so possessive)_

_I just couldn’t afford to let you go_

_(I was just trying to hide how little I knew about those things)_

_Your eyes, Tousei, they were begging me_

_(I thought it was the only way to keep you by my side)_

_They were so full of love, ready to give everything to me_

_(It made me feel good to possess you like this, I felt less alone)_

_No one had shown that kind of interest for me before_

_(But none of this is an excuse)_

_But I have no excuse_

_._

_._

_._

He tried not to think too much of it when they got up. He tried his best. But trying wasn’t enough. He couldn’t help it. _I should have been kinder to him._ He couldn’t tell Tousei about it either. He knew the boy way too well. He would say it was nothing, not a bit deal, that he enjoyed every second of what they had so far… which was probably true. _Aah…_ _I’m overthinking it._ He rubbed his eyes nervously and he felt Tousei’s tiny hands massage his shoulders gently. _Even if I forced him into it at first, I’m not anymore. (This is a poor excuse)_ He should sleep, really, he was just torturing himself.

“Kishou…” Tousei’s hands were so gentle “Kishou, relax. I’m here.”

But he felt weak, weak, weak. Tired of being the Reaper.

“Tousei?”

“Hmmmm?”

“Why do you love me?”

What was that now? Get a grip on yourself! What with this insecurity? What was the point? _I am about to die all the same._

“You’re kind” Tousei’s voice was trembling with emotion “You care, you… you held me in your arms when I wanted to run away, you stayed with me though I tried to sabotage everything. You kept me. You were here. You are here.”

“When you kissed me on that day, I was so happy. Nobody never… You made me happy, Tousei. You make me happy now.”

“I’m… glad” Tousei’s voice was wet now, he was probably crying “But please stop talking like you’re about to die tomorrow. We still… have time. And I want to enjoy that time with you.”

“Tousei…”

“Please! I’m already thinking about when you won’t be here anymore, I can’t help it! Please don’t make it more real than it is already. Please…”

“I’m sorry.” He turned around to face the boy “Tousei, are you happy?”

 

They kissed. So desperately. They kissed. They cried. They touched. Their hands ruffled each other’s hair. Their bodies were trying to connect intimately. It was messy. Messy when Arima trailed kisses on Tousei’s skin. Messy even when he kissed him _there_. Messy when he got himself inside of the boy. Messy the pace they found. Tousei was needy, Arima was needy. They didn’t even take much pleasure in it. It was more to feel each other’s presence than anything. They were just so desperate. They cried the entire time. It was quick too. So quick it almost felt like a dream. Arima almost regretted it. But the feel of Tousei’s body was something he could kill for. Even if they did it messily, Tousei always felt really good. Maybe because…

 

_The only man I ever touched_

_The only person I ever loved_

_(Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me!)_

_The only relationship I ever built_

_The only being I shared true intimacy with_

_(Everything I touch ends up broken, it’s my fault, it’s my fault, it’s my fault)_

_The only weakness I ever showed_

_The only human feeling I allowed myself to have_

_(But I really really love you)_

_._

_._

_._

“Of course I’m happy, Kishou. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life.”

Well, that wasn’t over. Not yet. He still had to be strong a little more. He could still listen to him, chat with him, stroke his hair and skin, hold him in his arms and smell his scent, hear his laughter when he desperately tried to make a pun, share his bed, share his meals, take baths with him, kiss him, help him study, hug him, make him coffee, make love to him. Make him feel good and loved in so many ways. He still had that power. It might not last long. But he still had it in him.

 

_And if I’m gone tomorrow, so be it._

_Because I was happy._

_Because you were happy._

_Because together was a thing._

_Tousei, thank you._


	32. In illusion comfort lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back with Tousei's PoV

Tousei’s mind was foggy. He couldn’t say he had slept well that night. Not really. _Kishou._ That was a first. Usually he didn’t care about someone else enough to stay awake almost all night. To comfort that someone until they found sleep. It never happened before. Tousei had run from all that kind of relationship his entire life. Now here he was sitting on the bed, looking at his boyfriend who finally managed to fall asleep. He ran his fingers into that white hair very carefully, a ghost of a smile on his lips. They had talked, they had talked so much, more than they ever did and probably more than they ever would.

The boy stretched and got up clumsily. He was far from being a morning person but he couldn’t stay by Arima’s side. He knew he couldn’t stay still and he might wake him up. _I’ll make coffee._ He put some clothes on and went straight to the kitchen. The flat was so silent. It made Tousei worry a bit. Usually Arima was the first to get up, to make breakfast, and all sounds were already filling Tousei’s universe as soon as he opened his eyes. But not today. When coffee was ready he took his cup and went in the living room to sit on the couch. He thought about reading but his mind was too dissociated to do such thing.

 He didn’t know how much time he stayed like this but the cup was empty when he heard the doorbell. He ran to the door, afraid they’d wake Arima up. He realized he wasn’t really dressed decently at the exact moment he opened the door. He was relieved when his eyes laid on Haise. The half-ghoul was blushing and twitching his hands in embarrassment.

“He-Hello, Tousei-kun. Sorry to bother you like this, I…”

“Don’t worry, Haise. Please come in.”

Haise did as he was told and it took Tousei some time to realize he was carrying an envelope with him. Maybe it was a report or documents of some sort for Arima. The man hadn’t been to a lot of meetings recently. He led him to the kitchen.

“Would you like some coffee?”

“Ah, pl-please, yes.”

For some reason, silences were awkward. Haise looked tensed but Tousei was too much dissociating to find the right words to ask him what was wrong. He knew he should do something but he had to focus first to pour coffee the right way, without spilling it all over. His hands were trembling and he felt like he needed a pill. The substance was starting to get low in his bloodstream. But Haise was here and he just couldn’t escape. He just hoped he could bare it a little more.

“Here, have some.”

His hands were trembling so much when he tried to put the cup in front of Haise the half-ghoul had to help him. Their eyes met and he looked concerned.

“Tousei, are you okay?”

“Y-Yeah, I guess.”

He lacked sleep and oxycodone. But that wasn’t something he could say so openly. He just sat at the kitchen table and wrapped his hands around his cup, praying Haise wouldn’t notice how bad his fingers were trembling.

“What brings you here, Haise? Is something wrong?”

“Not really. I thought about paying Arima-san and you a visit. Since we… need to talk. And there was this on your desk since days. Mado-san told me to bring it to you.”

“On my desk?” Tousei took the envelope. It was a bit heavy. “What is it?”

“I have no idea.”

“It’s a birth announcement, Tousei.”

Both Tousei and Haise looked up. Arima was standing in the doorframe, looking obviously tired. When Tousei tried to get up he told him not to bother. They all stayed silent when Arima poured himself coffee and sat with them at the table. His white hair was all messy, his glasses were awry and Tousei could tell just by a glance he was having a bad headache. He grabbed his lover’s hand and stroked it gently.

“Kishou, do you need something for your headache?”

“I’m fine, I just got up, that’s all.”

His voice seemed weak to Tousei though he said no more. He glared at the envelope. Birth announcement. Well, that was a normal thing, after all this baby hadn’t been made by himself. He tried to open it but he just managed to tear the envelope up because of his shaking fingers. Arima’s hand came to stop the mess and opened the thing for him. Haise stayed silent the entire time but it was obvious he was searching for the right words to say in such awkward situation. The announcement was simple, white and cute. There were pictures of the baby. Tousei didn’t feel like it was his. Tousei felt disgusted. It was unfair. But he felt disgusted.

“Congratulations are in order, I guess.” Arima said.

“Please don’t” Tousei was playing with his fingers nervously “I’ll send her a present and money, but don’t congratulate me. You know I don’t want this.”

“Even now you saw him?”

“Especially now I saw him. I’m just… afraid.”

“It’ll be fine” Arima squeezed Tousei’s hand “She’s just telling you the baby is born. No worries.”

“You’ll be fine, Tousei” Haise was even trying to comfort him.

_This is a mess, this is such a mess._

‘Your fault! Your fault! Your fault!’

 

Arima’s arms felt warm. Haise’s arms felt warm. It was a good thing they talked. They agreed what happened at the Kishimoto estate was but stress, desire for attention added to the fact they all liked each other more or less. Tousei thought there was something more but Haise completely denied him. He had been wrong for once.

‘Liar.’

_What?_

‘He just respects you and Arima. He will deny his feelings to preserve the illusion of happiness you all have.’

_Enough._

‘You know I’m right.’

_Enough!_

‘Even Arima thought you were in love with him…’

_He wasn’t thinking straight._

‘But all the things he told you at your father’s house, hmmm?’

_What things? He didn’t tell me anything._

‘Oh you choose to forget. How convenient.’

_I don’t understand what you’re talking about._

‘Tousei… If you don’t remember, then there’s no problem.’

_I…_

‘There’s no problem then. Everything is completely fine.’

 

“Tousei!”

He blinked. Once. Twice. _I need a pill. How bad I need a pill._ His vision was blurred. He couldn’t tell if it was because of tears or just the dissociation. He heard Haise and Arima calling his name. He could just blink. _What happened at the family house?_ He probably did something terrible there, something that confused Haise a lot. And it was his fault. Toying people, that was the only thing he could do. It hurt. _I mustn’t think about that. I need a pill! A pill!_ Did they sleep together? Did they kiss? Did Tousei say he loved him? What happened there? _I don’t need to know all this._

“Tousei!”

“I’m sorry” he muttered “I’m sorry.”

“What’s happening, Tousei? What’s wrong?” Arima’s voice really was worried.

“I don’t remember… I’m sorry.”

“Tousei, look at me.”

He probably said more things. He wasn’t really aware. But he heard the slap more than he felt it. That wasn’t enough. He wasn’t coming back. _The same pattern over and over again._ He ran away. He betrayed Arima. How and when, he could tell. Why, he didn’t even know the answer himself. But he knew he had betrayed Arima. This was why the situation with Haise was so complicated. _My fault, my own fault._ And he was an adult now, and he was a father now. _Why is everything always so complicated?_

“Tousei…”

And he couldn’t see. And he couldn’t feel. He gripped on somebody. He cried on somebody. Arima. Haise. Whoever. Whatever. Maybe he could just die. Maybe he could just dissolve. But that wasn’t fair. His ill boyfriend needed him. His pupil Haise needed him.

‘Boyfriend, pupil, eh what a joke!’

 

It was warm and it felt good. Those arms. Arima’s probably. Tousei felt secure. Tousei felt safe. Tousei almost felt nice and relaxed. He should open his eyes and apologize. He must have had a crisis of some sort since he didn’t remember lying down in such comforting arms. Again. His life was a loop constantly on repeat. He couldn’t learn, right? He was the one supposed to be taking care of Arima, not Arima taking care of him like that. He wasn’t the one dying, he wasn’t the one in pain. He sighed.

A hand was stroking his hair. The hand was too small to be Arima’s. _Haise._ His heart started to beat wild against his ribcage. _Haise is holding me._ He swallowed with difficulty. Haise might have noticed something was wrong, his touch was becoming softer.

“You’re alright, Tousei. I’m with you.”

 _Where is Kishou?_ No sound left his throat.

“It’s all fine, do not worry.”

_Kishou! Where are you? Kishou!_

‘Ask yourself the right question.’

_Kishou! I need Kishou!_

‘What did you do so now Haise, and not Arima, is holding you?’

_Kishou…_

‘What did you do, Tousei?’

 

_I don’t… know._


	33. Tell him when the rain will fall

There were noises in the CCG headquarters today. Everybody was in a rush. The ghoul raids seemed to have increased lately, probably Aogiri’s doing. The feeling of rush was all increased by Tousei’s promotion, Haise getting the kids to look after, Arima being sent on dangerous missions over and over again. Their lives had changed radically in the past weeks. They had barely time for themselves. They had barely time to talk. In the end it seemed to be a good idea to have kept Haise out of this. To say the least, Tousei didn’t really know what to think of it. They didn’t even try to build something, the three of them, because Arima didn’t want to involve him into this mess. And now the half-ghoul had the Quinx squad to mentor, he wasn’t really spending time with them anymore. Yeah, that was probably for the better.

“Kishimoto-kun, could you look at this case for me, please?”

“Sure.”

People were coming more and more to ask him to do profiles. He was quite good at it. And even top class agents were asking him for it since Tousei graduated last month, since he got promoted two weeks ago. It all felt like in a dream though. Everything went too fast. Sending the birth present to Fujisaki, all those exams, the graduating ceremony, the promotion ceremony. Arima being proud of him, Haise being happy for him. _And now we barely look at each other._ The file he was handed was nothing difficult. It rarely was difficult. More of the ghouls acted out of despair and hunger and consequently it was hard to track them down. Tousei would have probably felt pity if he could. They were chasing and killing starving beings after all. No more no less. Finally he gave the file back to Ui.

“It’s a mother. Her children are probably too young to hunt by themselves. Her husband was probably caught recently so she has to find food on her own now. She is clumsy and never leaves the neighborhood so you should look for the male ghouls you killed in this area in the past few weeks.”

“Thank you, Kishimoto-kun. You are quite efficient.”

“You’re welcome, Ui-san.”

Everything was going so smooth for him Tousei couldn’t really believe it was real. The feeling of Haise’s hand playing with his hair while he was dissociating was way more real than any of this. He couldn’t succeed, not him. _I guess I can after all. But I feel so light, it’s disturbing._

‘It’s because you’re at ease. It’s a feeling you’re not used to.’

 _True that._ He missed Haise. Arima missed Haise too. They were pretending it was all okay like this but he was something really missing in their lives. Tousei only realized they were spending so many time together when Haise didn’t show up anymore. Tousei never met the Quinx, he never wanted to. They seemed nice persons and he saw them several times in the corridors but they were never actually introduced to them. Sometimes Haise talked to him about them by the coffee machine. Few minutes perhaps. Tousei never listened. All he could think of was the warmth of Haise’s hand in his hair.

‘And you’re not even sure that hand was real.’

 _And I’m not even sure that hand was real._ He often wanted to touch Haise. A hug. Perhaps more. The more he could think of was just a kiss. Holding hands. He wanted them to be close again. Arima as well. Tousei had noticed how he discretely was putting his hand on Haise’s back in a tender gesture when they were talking. Tousei never was jealous. He never envied Haise. And he also knew a hand on a back was the only intimacy Arima was willing to allow them. It was for the best. Or at least it was supposed to be. _This is silly. We’re passing by so many things._ Sometimes it made Tousei want to scream. It made him want to give up on his life, take Arima and Haise with him and go far far away for all this nonsense. But this wasn’t how life worked. He was an adult now, he knew such things.

 

 

And then was the auction raid. Tousei felt very stressed about it. He assumed it was more his social anxiety and gender dysphoria talking than anything else. Haise’s plan was good. Tousei and Arima had backed it up so Matsuri had not choice but to accept. Speaking of Matsuri, Tousei still owed him for the formation. He hoped the man forgot and they’d never talk about it again. He knew it wasn’t true though. A man like that never forgets a debt. At least the raid allowed Haise to spend a little time with Tousei. He used the excuse of asking advice. They were doing shopping and Tousei helped him find a dress, a wig, the appropriate make up. Haise insisted Tousei tried some clothes on even though he wasn’t part of the operation. Haise was good at picking clothes, he found Tousei’s color right away. It felt strange to be dressed like a woman but it wasn’t unpleasant. _Would Kishou love me, dressed like that? Don’t I look… queer?_

“You should buy it, it suits you very well.”

“But I will never…” Tousei’s voice died in his throat “I’m… a man.”

“Tousei…” His hand… _in my hair_. “That’s not a problem, you know.”

Tousei looked in the mirror. He looked so different. For once he almost thought he was looking nice. But he also wanted to cry. Everything was… _What are we doing?_ His eyes caught Haise’s in the reflection. _This is so wrong, what we’re doing._

“I…” He put his hand in the mirror, starring at himself starting to be a little too much. “I…I miss you.” The words left his mouth before he could do anything about it “I really miss you, Haise. We really miss you.” And he was this close to cry.

“I miss you too. The both of you.”

 “This is nonsense…” His hand was hitting the mirror now.

“Tousei, please.”

“But there’s no point! We…”

He was stopped by arms, Haise’s arms. So warm and soft and muscled. Comforting, protecting. _I want you back. I want you back so bad._

‘What did you do with him, Tousei?’

_I did nothing. He is my friend. My friend! Is it that hard to understand._

‘You were more than friends.’

_We never were lovers._

‘But you love him.’

_I love Kishou._

‘And him.’

_And him._

They weren’t saying anything anymore. They were just holding on each other, too afraid to let go, to afraid to go further. The talk was supposed to settle things down. Settle things down, my ass. They were just refusing what they all wanted the most. Because Arima was sick and didn’t want to expose Haise to that. Because Haise and the Quinx to mentor and didn’t want to fail them. Because Tousei was too much of a coward. He gripped on Haise a little more, on the Haise he was trying. Really, he looked good, very good. _You should show Kishou too. So maybe we will stop playing around each other. So maybe we’ll take the jump._

‘Kishou will never do this.’

_I know._

‘Not without you.’

_I know. I know._

A hand on the back, that was their new definition of intimacy now.

 

He had bought the dress in the end. He was pretty sure he would never wear it. Arima could like it, Tousei was aware of that but… he just bought the dress to make Haise happy. He was too insecure of his body to wear such thing. When he went home he just put the dress in his closet, pretty sure to forget about it. Despite everything the auction raid was a success. But it was an emotionally-draining and all the Quinx were tired. Shirazu was even depressed and showed some signs of PTSD. Tousei had naively thought that he’d get closer to Haise by buying the dress. He was wrong. They had their lives now. And there seemed to have no going back. 

‘Tell him you love him too.’

_But we agreed not to go this far._

He was torn between his thoughts day after day. On one of his day-off he finally decided to wear the dress. If he stayed in the house maybe it’d be okay. He even put make up on and arranged his hair. He looked so different. Astonishing.

“Tousei, you…” Arima’s voice was trembling and so were his arms when he locked them around Tousei’s waist. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Thank…” His voice sounds so cold and distant.

“I see.”

Kisses. On his temple, his cheek, his lips. He opened his mouth to welcome Arima. Somewhere in his mind he thought about Haise. Haise’s mouth. And his hand in his hair. Arima noticed but said nothing. He just kissed him even more. He wasn’t a fool, he knew where the dress was coming from. Maybe he was thinking about Haise too, when they were touching like this.

“I’m sorry” Arima was short of breath “I never thought I would miss him so much. I never thought we would miss him so much. Nothing never truly happened, so I thought…”

“Ssssh…” Tousei gave him a peck on the lips “You did what you believed to be right.”

_What are we doing?_

_I feel like we’re losing ourselves._


	34. You're gonna have to hold on

“Please come in.”

Tousei opened the door of Arima’s office carefully. They were working after all and he tried his best to keep their relationship at least somehow professional when they were at work. Though it took him a single look to see Arima wasn’t feeling too well again. The way he had to put his hand of his forehead… one of those headaches again for sure. Tousei just went on and placed some folders on the desk before the man.

“The profiles you asked me, Kishou.”

Keeping the relationship professional was a thing but he couldn’t let his lover suffer and pretend he saw nothing. Arima never answered and barely looked at him. The moving of his fingers was the very proof he tried to stroke the pain away. It wasn’t very efficient of course and Tousei started to massage his shoulders gently. There was a time he suggested painkillers but Arima always refused to take any of them. So Tousei knew they just had to wait for the pain to go away. He didn’t know how much they stayed like that, Tousei massaging Arima’s shoulders, Arima stroking his own forehead. But finally the man lay down in his chair and closed his eyes with a sigh.

“Kishou, are you okay?”

He only rubbed his eyes as an answer. _Perhaps he needs sleep. The CCG asks him a lot lately._ Tousei’s hands were now massaging his neck.

“Kishou…”

“Tousei…” the man cut him “Tousei, I want to make love with you.”

Tousei’s hands stopped for it was so sudden. He didn’t really except Arima to ask for… _that_ … in the middle of his office. And it had been quite a time since the last time they did it. They were both so busy and confused. Tousei was confused. Arima’s hand came to touch his wrist as if he were trying to reassure him.

“You don’t have to say yes. It’s out of the blue and we’re at work…”

“I-It’s fine, Kishou. I re-really wanna have sex with you.”

They said no more.

 

Tousei expected something a bit rough, violent, needy. It was nothing of the sort. Arima had just got up from his chair, slowly. He was careful, undoing Tousei’s tie, the buttons of his shirt. They were so silent Tousei could almost hear their colleagues working. _The door isn’t locked_ , he thought at some point but he didn’t give it more thought. His shirt fell onto the floor in a soft sound and Arima’s hands were holding him tight. Arima’s mouth was trailing kisses on his neck, sucking on his collarbones. He let escape a small moan. His own hands were trembling when he started to undo Arima’s clothes. But the hands on him were trembling also. _Ah…_ They undressed each other in perfect silence until they were standing there, completely naked. Tousei would have blushed in embarrassment, but everything was feeling too surrealist. He lied on the cold floor and Arima lied over him. They were aroused, so aroused. Tousei had never been that hard in his entire life.

“Kishou, I…”

He tried to say something but his voice died in his throat. He received a kiss as an answer. Maybe they didn’t need to talk. Maybe they just needed to be. To be with each other. Tousei moaned in the kiss, ran his fingers into Arima’s white locks. Always so soft, always so pure. Somehow Arima looked like an angel. _Angel of death._ They parted. Arima kissed his chest, his torso, played just enough with Tousei’s nipples to make him mewl of pleasure and surprise. He kissed his belly, his hips, licked his belly button in a way that made Tousei’s cock twitch. It had always been a sensitive spot.

_Kishou…_

He closed his eyes and had to put his hands on his mouth to muffle his own moans when he felt Arima’s tongue on his dick. He heard a confused sound as his lover was taking more and more of him into his mouth. Tousei flung his head back. His toes curled under the pleasure when he did _that thing_ with his tongue. _Kishou…_ His eyes were getting watery, he could feel few tears escape his closed eyelids. He hoped for a second Arima wouldn’t notice he was crying. _I’m just so happy._ Arima was good at it, taking more of him, and deeper, deeper, deeper. Tousei felt the head of his cock brush his lover’s throat. It sent him thrills all over his body and he started to bite on his hand.

“Ki-Kishou, don’t push yourself.”

He was close anyway. Arima knew it very well. And he knew how to swirl his tongue around the length, how to bob his head and at what pace so Tousei couldn’t but give in. And he gave in completely, coming in his lover’s mouth and making weird sounds in the palms of his hands. His body took a little time to relax after that. His mind was all foggy and it was hard to think straight.

“Tousei…”

Arima had moved Tousei’s hands off his face and was now staring at him. It was only there the boy realized he hadn’t his glasses on. He couldn’t remember when he took them off. His face was even more beautiful without his glasses but his eyes… _You don’t see me, do you?_ His suspicions were confirmed when Arima leaned in for a kiss and missed his lips by few millimeters. _You can’t see me anymore, this is why you want to feel me._ He tilted his head to catch Arima’s lips with his. The two of them like this was feeling good. Their kisses were gentle, not hurried. As if they had all the time in the world. Though his mouth was kind, Arima’s hands were gripping hard on Tousei. So hard he’d probably have bruises again. But he didn’t care. He knew Arima just couldn’t let go. He gripped hard on him too, to bring him closer, and his lover’s hard member poking at his thigh was enough to make him hard again.

“Kishou…”

His voice was pleading. He needed him inside. It was painful, just to touch like that. He needed more. They needed more. They kissed again and Tousei restrained himself just enough not to bite his lover’s lips as a finger dug its way into him. _I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you._ Another finger, and another. Tousei started to feel full, panting erratically, drooling, scratching his lover’s back and his cock twitching in expectation. But he was also clinging onto Arima, yearning for more.

“Tousei…” The boy made a strangled sound when he found his prostate “Tousei, you’re beautiful.”

 _But you can’t…_ He needed more, he needed way more. _You can’t see me._

“Tousei, you’re beautiful and I love you.”

“Kishou, please…”

He was answered with a kiss on his temple and fingers withdrawing from him. He noticed Arima’s as well as his were leaking with precum already. He was eager now, they were eager now. Tousei went quickly on his four, Arima positioned himself, got in. They stopped moving for a while as the boy adjusted to the size, letting escape a soft and long moan. _I love you inside of me, I love you inside of me so much._

“You… you can move, Kishou.”

The pace was quick but nothing rough. Arima brought Tousei closer against his chest, wrapping his fingers around his cock and stroking him gently. It was good, but, but, but…

“Aah… Harder…”

“No.”

“Pl-please…”

“I won’t… hurt you.” His breathing was heavy. He was close “I can’t… anymore.”

“Ki… Ah!”

His leg was shifted a bit so Arima could hit _this_ spot over and over again. Their moves were so erratic now they were on the edge. _Kishou, please, I need…_ Arima’s hands were gripping on him again and he made confused sounds before tilting Tousei’s head in a heated kiss. He came first but the sensation of the warm seed filling up his insides was enough to make him reach his own climax.

“Tousei…” He held him closer, tighter, harder “You’re too beautiful to be hurt.”

 

They stayed a bit like that, lying on the floor, Arima soft but still inside of Tousei. The boy knew this made both of them feel complete. Their fingers were entwined and playing with each other. They should go back to work but they didn’t really feel like it. Through half-open eyes, Tousei was watching the city spreading before him, behind that big glass in Arima’s office. Somehow he caught himself thinking of Haise. And about the meaning of Arima’s words. He was drifting, almost sleeping when he felt his lover move a bit and put some clothes behind his head to make him more at ease. _Kishou, you’re so cute._ He also felt something cold on his hand but didn’t pay much attention to it. Slowly but surely, he was falling asleep here, on Arima’s office floor. _With the door unlocked._

“Tousei?” Arima’s arms locked firmer around him.

“Hmmm?” He was too away to even say words.

“Tousei…” Was Arima’s voice trembling or was it because he was half-asleep already? “Tousei, will you…” He took a deep breath “will you marry me?”

_Eh?_


	35. We are family

“Tousei?”

“Hmmm?”

“Tousei, we’re going to be late.”

“I know… Just let me fix this…”

He tugged on his tie several times, trying to put it the right way. Seriously, why were they bothering dressing this way, it was so unnatural. It wasn’t his idea after all. Like he’d wear a three-piece suit by himself. No way. He felt weird. Like… oppressed. He shouldn’t. After all this was supposed to be a happy day. _But then why am I always so stressed?_

“Let me help.” Arima’s hands came to tie it properly. “Here, you look gorgeous.”

“Please… stop.”

“Tousei, you have to believe me. You truly are beautiful.”

He just blushed and lowered his eyes in embarrassment. He was doing all this for Arima after all. Because it was his idea and he didn’t want to disappoint him. Or Haise. Or everybody else. And he accepted so…  _I won’t run away. I mustn’t run away._ Fingers came to tilt his chin and his eyes met Arima’s. Or at least he wished they did. It was more and more obvious Arima couldn’t see right anymore. His gaze was always wandering around as if he was trying to find Tousei’s face in the mist. _I’m here._ Tousei tiptoed to give him a peck on the lips. _I’m not running away, I’m here._

“We’re truly going to be late” Arima chuckled as he took the boy in a closer embrace.

 

They were silent during the ride. Tousei was looking at his feet, not really sure about what to say and playing nervously with the engagement ring on his finger. He couldn’t get it out of his head though it had been quite a while now. The hesitation in Arima’s voice when he put the ring around his finger, the too heavy silence when he was waiting for Tousei’s answer that seemed to never come. Tousei never believed in marriage, he never found it romantic or whatever. To him, living with the person he loved was more than enough. He never intended to get married… if it wasn’t for Arima. It was something Arima seemed to truly want, he bought rings after all. Underneath was lying his desire to protect and maybe to protect after he’d be gone.

 _Marriage is a too strong bond_ , he had caught himself thinking, _It’d push Haise away even more._

He couldn’t help his thoughts. As bad as he tried he couldn’t help them. Invasive, intrusive, he was thinking about Haise too much for his own good. Even if he had said yes in the end, with a trembling voice, as they were still laid down on Arima’s office’s floor. He said yes more to fulfill Arima’s wish than because it was something he desired. And he had the most disgusting thoughts about it.

_Arima is dying. I love him, I can at least make that happen, for him._

He knew he would have said no under normal circumstances. He didn’t know Arima for long enough and wasn’t sure he was ready to spend his entire life with him.

_But here I can, our life together won’t last long._

‘What are you saying, heartless monster?’

_It’s making me sad. So sad._

 

The car stopped by Akira’s building. The woman was waiting outside. She was all dressed up too and looked very nice. She waved at them when she got in. They dropped silent when the engine started again. _I feel like the atmosphere is so tensed. Maybe it’s just me._ Akira broke the silence. Obviously it was too much to bear for her.

“By the way, you too, congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“Th-thanks.”

Arima’s voice was composed. Tousei’s was far from it. Akira was actually the second one to congratulate them for their engagement. The first one was Haise, obviously. Also, Tousei never wore his ring at work so the rest of the squad had probably congratulated Arima about it but never spoken to him directly. Though if Arima was getting engaged, it wasn’t much of a big secret whom he was going to marry. _Sometimes I’m just the stupidest boy on earth._

 

The room was so full of life when they got in. It was enough to make Tousei uneasy. His vision blurred and his head was spinning a little but he was trying his best to kick the bad feeling back. _I’m going to enjoy myself. These are happy times I must cherish, not fear._

‘Good boy.’

He rubbed his eyes as voices echoed in the distance.

“Good evening everyone.” Akira’s…

“Sorry for intruding.” Arima’s…

“Akira and… Arima?! For real ?!” Shirazu’s…

They were all excited to see them, apparently. They were a lot of people, a lot of their colleagues. Tousei wasn’t really ready for this. It was different at work, he was an agent just like them. Here he wasn’t. He was Arima’s fiancé and it was too much of a title. It weighted heavy on his shoulders. _Please don’t look at me. Act like I don’t exist._

“Tousei! So you came after all…” Haise. Haise was flashing a smile at him. Haise was…

“Y-yeah, I’m here too…” His voice sounds awkward, he really didn’t like such social stuff. Why were there so much people? It was hard to breathe. _I came because_ you _invited us, Haise._

“Here, come help me with the food.”

“But…”

“Come, so you won’t have to be with everyone.”

 _Haise._ The half-ghoul caught his hand and dragged him to the kitchen. He tried to catch a glimpse of Arima but the man was busy talking with the Qs. _He’s better at all this social stuff I will ever be._ But at the same time he was grateful to Haise, he felt somehow better not to be surrounded by all these people. Important persons such as Arima and Suzuya Juuzou were there. There was no room for the little Tousei.

 

The meal was just the same. The kids asked for stories about Arima. Tousei felt sick to his stomach the entire time, people chatting around him were making him dizzy. _For Haise. Haise invited us._ On top of that Christmas had always triggered some bad memories inside of him. Memories of his father especially.

‘Don’t think about him, Tousei.’

Arima told the anecdote about the umbrella Tousei knew by heart. They all talked joyfully and even if Arima had taken discreetly his hand, it wasn’t enough to reassure him and he fled into the kitchen again, pretending to help with the dishes. Haise’s food was good as always and Tousei was ashamed he could have barely taken a bite. He ran the water and heard murmurs of happiness as the Quinx were given their gifts. A sad smile formed on his lips. A part of him wanted to go back there but the other part just couldn’t. He fought hard not to cry. This was Christmas after all.

‘Don’t think about him, don’t think about him, don’t think about him.’

 

“You really are like a foster parent.”

“Am I? Haha…”

Arima and Haise were so natural when talking to each other. Arima had even taken off his tie, he looked so at ease. He also looked very happy when Haise offered him that necktie pin. And Tousei was… Tousei was…

_“If you want a gift, you have to deserve it. Do you deserve it, Tousei? Do you?”_

‘Don’t think about it.’

_I tried my best. Why isn’t it enough?_

“Tousei? I also have a gift for you.”

It took him a little time to realize it was Haise talking to him, handling him some package wrapped nicely in a shiny red paper. _I don’t deserve it. My best wasn’t enough. I can’t take the gift or I’ll…_ It was stuffed into his hands before he could say anything and without thinking he started to tear the paper up. It was a cigarette case. A beautiful cigarette case. Made of leather. He opened it. No doubt this must have been expensive.

“If you have a bad habit, at least makes it a classy bad habit.” Haise smiled at him.

Tousei felt so stupid all of a sudden. All he had for him was a stupid book. A graphic novel actually. It was about coffee. Each chapter was a slice of life linked somehow to coffee. Haise seemed to appreciate though, he took Tousei in an embrace. When he kissed him on the cheek it was so close to his lips.

_Do I deserve it? Have I the right to be so happy?_

_I don’t want us to go home, can we stay a little more with you?_

_Can we spend more time with you, Haise?_

There were Haise’s arms around him. And Arima’s arms around them. And tears in his eyes. After all, it was the first Christmas he received a gift without having to somehow prove his value. The first Christmas he was truly acknowledged as a person.

“Tousei, please don’t cry.”

“I’m happy…” Tears were rolling down his cheeks like crazy but after all he was telling the truth “I’m just so happy…”

The arms tightened around him.

 

_After all, aren’t we family?_


	36. Where do we go?

Tousei opened the door, his arms full of groceries. Those late days had been very busy, with the Tsukiyama case going on and he was more or less the only person available to do such things now. After all he had given his profiles to check, it wasn’t like he had anything more to do. He felt a bit useless but at least there was someone available to take care of Arima around here. And of Haise. For it was Haise’s groceries he was carrying right now. The half-ghoul wasn’t exactly feeling well. To tell the truth, the case was obviously hard on him. Tousei didn’t quite know why but he supposed it had some link with his past. Arima wouldn’t tell him. But Tousei wasn’t a fool. Even with no memories, a half-ghoul is a half-ghoul and he probably had a pretty rough past.

“Haise, it’s me.” He loudly shouted as he tried to take off his shoes without his hands.

There was no answer, he was probably working, though it was already evening. He managed to walk into the kitchen and put the groceries on the table. The Chateau was calm, he thought all the kids were in their rooms. He couldn’t hear Saiko’s angry yells at her videogames, Shirazu’s jokes or even Mutsuki’s embarrassed voice. It made him feel better for some reason. It wasn’t like he hated the Quinx but he didn’t feel like seeing anyone but Haise right now. And also he didn’t really know how to behave around the kids. He somehow felt like he was just ‘Arima’s fiancé’ to them. _After all it’s not like I have any value._

‘Stop. Go see Haise.’

 _Right._ He rubbed his eyes nervously. _I just say hello and I go back home._ But nobody was waiting home. Arima was busy with squad zero tonight. Arima had been busy a lot with squad zero lately. Probably preparing them for the mission to come. Tousei expected to feel lonely. He did feel a little bit lonely. But not as much as he thought. He felt like he was drifting away. Maybe he was just a feeling. After all Arima apologized every time he came home late and as far as Tousei could tell, his apologies were sincere. _But he should rest. His eyesight is getting worse. It’s a wonder he can still fight._

‘He’s strong… unlike you.’

_I know. He’ll probably die on the field. I’m sure this is what he wishes._

‘By the hand of the one he loves.’

_Don’t be stupid! I would never… I could never!_

‘No, not by your hand. You’re too weak.’

His eyes finally found Haise. _This is stupid._ He was working, sheets were spreading on the couch all around him. He seemed very focused on the case, this was why he didn’t answer. He probably didn’t even hear Tousei coming in. _Haise would never do harm to Arima._ He was frowning and rubbing his eyes behind his glasses. For a moment Tousei’s heart stopped. _Kishou…_ He saw Arima did this again and again and for some stupid reason he feared Haise was losing his sight too. _But he just may be tired. Yes, that’s it._

“Haise, are you okay?”

“Ah, Tousei!” The half-ghoul started a little before relaxing and letting out a yawn “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. I’m trying to figure out about the Roses and the Tsukiyamas…”

“It’s late already…” Tousei pushed some of the paper away to sit next to Haise “But I can lend you a hand if you wish.”

“You should go home, Tousei. I give you what I owe you for the groceries so you can leave.”

Haise flashed a smile and Tousei felt unwanted. _Hmm, he’s not pushing me away._ He tried to push his fear of abandon away but this shit was clinging onto him with all its strength. Or so it seemed… _He just wants me to go home because it’s late. He just wants me to go home to Kishou._

“Stay.” Tousei’s hand had come to grab Haise’s sleeve as he was getting up “Please.” And his voice was begging.

‘Pathetic.’

 _Shut the fuck up._ Tousei felt arms around him, hands petting his back. He felt like crying for some reason. And he was afraid. So very afraid. He couldn’t really say the reason but he guessed he was afraid for both Arima and Haise on the mission. Tousei had been left out of it, Matsuri’s orders. And he felt like he was put aside because his boss was afraid of what he could find. Tousei was good at analyzing things and quick to put two and two together. He had always been proud of it but now it almost felt like it could put everybody he cared about in danger.  

“What’s the matter, Tousei?”

“I’ve a bad feeling about your mission, Haise.”

Silence. Haise’s hands tightened on Tousei’s back. He had probably hit a sensitive spot. Great. He was really bad at handling other people’s feelings in the end. Some things seemed to never change.

“So have I…” Haise finally whispered in Tousei’s ear “But at the same time… I can feel it has something to do with… Kaneki… with me… my past… and I want to know… although I’m afraid. I am really really afraid.”

“Dealing with one’s past is always a scary thing.”

 _Really good, Tousei! Can’t you say more cliché shit?_ He opened his mouth again but finally chose just to hug Haise back. Gently. He could feel the half-ghoul was tensed. No muscles seemed to relax even when Tousei rubbed his shoulders tenderly.

“What if… I…” Haise’s voice was trembling. Tousei could tell he was on the verge on tears just by the sound.

“I’ll always care about you” Tousei cut him as he felt his own cheeks blush like crazy “Even if for… some reason… you become an enemy of the CCG, because you remember or whatever…” He took a deep breath, his heart was pounding really fast against his chest “I’ll always care about you, Haise.

“Thank you.” Haise’s hands squeezed him, maybe a little too much but… wasn’t Arima doing it as well? _Does it mean that they need me?_ “Thank you so much, Tousei.”

_Please don’t thank me for something like this. Please don’t._

‘Are you happy? Are you happy now you both have them at your feet?’

_Shut up!_

‘I know you. You’ll destroy what you’ve built, that’s what you do. You know that’s what you do. You love blood, torture and destruction too much to deny it.’

_No…_

‘Too much to even deny me.’

_But I…_

“Tousei, you’re hurting me.”

“I’m sorry.”

He was staring in blank. Vaguely he was seeing Haise’s face with his unfocused eyes. But he had spaced out again, hadn’t he? It was always like that anyway. _No way they could need me._ He shook his head, forcing his head to focus back on reality. _Even_ I _don’t need me._ Haise was looking at him and hiding his left eye with his hand. _Ah… is he that tired? Or maybe hungry?_

“Tousei, are you okay?”

“Don’t hide it.” He was completely out of it. He knew it. He felt so light. He felt in a dream. Maybe he was dreaming after all. Who could tell? “Your eye… It’s beautiful…” It was even hard to think straight and make correct sentences. When he reached out his hand it was so light he felt like it didn’t belong to him. That he was just piloting this shell called a body.

“It’s not beautiful, Tousei. I’m a monster.” Haise lowered his visible eye in embarrassment “Please don’t look at me like… like that.”

Tousei’s hand finally caught Haise’s one. He moved it down so he could see both his eyes. Maybe he had been a little rough, he couldn’t say. It wasn’t like he was feeling what he was doing. He didn’t even know what he was doing. Maybe putting so much Vicodin in his smoothie wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“Tousei…”

“You’re beautiful, Haise.” His voice, even his voice. That was a bad idea to stay. He hadn’t panned any of this. He was just supposed to bring the groceries and go home. And now Haise… seeing him like this… talking shit… incoherent shit… _I’m the worst._ “Black… and red… it looks good on your face.”

_I’m sorry. I told Kishou I’d quit._

‘As if you could quit.’

_I was just tired of feeling this reality._

‘I know. I know.’

“You’re not a monster, Haise. A little difference doesn’t make you a monster.” His mind was all foggy, he wasn’t even sure his thinking was taking a coherent turn. “I am a monster. For I destroy things… people… relationships… enjoying myself in the process. A being of destruction, that’s what… makes you a monster.”

“Tousei…” His head was tilted, probably by Haise’s hands “What are you talking about?”

 _That’s right… what am I talking about?_ _I don’t know… I don’t know anymore._

“Tousei, if this is what a monster is… then even monsters are beautiful.”

_Haise, what are you talking about?_

“I can’t help thinking you’re a beautiful person, Tousei.”

_Me? Hahaha._

“Forgive me.”

_For what?_

And the last thing he felt were Haise’s lips on his.


	37. I wish I was brave enough to love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ikr it's been months   
> but when u feel like shit u make ur ocs suffer more  
> more positive than i thought  
> don't expect another update so soon, in fact idk when the next update will be  
> thx for reading

_Breathe._

“Haise, I…”

“It’s okay, Tousei, everything is okay.”

_No! I must…_

“I… I am…”

“You don’t need to talk, Tousei.”

_Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe._

“But I am… I am…”

“I know, I know. Let me handle this for you.”

_I’m losing control._

“Let me take care of this for you.”

_But if I let go I’ll…_

“Let me take care of you, Tousei.”

_Die, die, die, die, die, die!_

“Just relax, okay?”

_I don’t want to die!_

“It’s okay. You don’t have to talk. We don’t have to talk.”

_Breathe. (I can’t) Breathe. (I can’t! I can’t!)_

“It’s okay to cry, Tousei.”

_I feel too much._

“I’m here now, you’re not alone anymore.”

_Everything hurts._

“I’m going to take care of it, okay? Don’t worry, just close your eyes.”

_Help me…_

“You’re doing great, Tousei.”

_Save me…_

“You’re home now.”

_Home?_

 

_Hey Haise, can you tell me what home is?_

_Hey Kishou, where do we go when our prayers are answered?_

 

He blinked. Twice. The ceiling was unfamiliar. He took him a while to feel things right again. This foggy feeling, this impression of unreality… he knew them way too well. He probably forced the dose. Again. Some things seemed to never change. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt nauseous as if he had stressed the entire night. Well, maybe he had stressed the entire night. It wasn’t like he was remembering anything right now. What was he trying to forget so bad? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. If he wanted to forget it was for some reason. He waited. He waited for his senses to come back. It seems to take an eternity. His body was still very light. Perhaps he was dissociating. In this state he couldn’t really tell for sure. He couldn’t even remember his own dream. Though it probably had been a terrible dream to wake him up so suddenly.

“Hey… You’re awake?” A familiar voice spoke next to him.

But it wasn’t Arima’s. And his eyes met Haise’s. Haise with worry written all over his face. The day started just fine. And he wanted to remember anything now. He probably just made a fool of himself, worrying his friend and student. Whatever… The nausea intensified. He needed a glass of water.

“Tousei! Hey, Tousei!” Haise’s face was now all he could see “Are you still…?”

“High? Probably.” His voice was hoarse “I feel like shit.”

Haise didn’t answer. He just helped him to sit in a more comfortable position. His head was killing him, he couldn’t think straight. _Where’s Kishou?_ Why wasn’t he home with Arima? He didn’t understand. And he couldn’t remember.

“Don’t move, I’m going to fetch you a glass of water, okay?”

Haise’s voice was tinged with concern. Tousei just nodded in response. He caught himself wanting to drop dead on the spot. He felt so bad. When the half-ghoul got up from the bed, Tousei noticed that he was naked. That they were both naked. That the sheets weren’t exactly clean. He really felt like puking now.

‘Whore.’

He wasn’t exactly surprised it happened. It was latent for way too long. But just if only, if only he didn’t swallow all those pills that night… he wouldn’t have done this. He wouldn’t have done this to Arima. _I wouldn’t have betrayed him like this._

‘Whore.’

_So low…_

‘Whore.’

And the worst thing of all: he didn’t remember a single thing. He couldn’t even tell if it was an act made out of despair or need. Or just him, Tousei, losing his mind on the substance roller coaster. If only… if only he could erase the past twenty-four hours. He startled when Haise came back in the room with two glasses of water.

“Here, have this, it’ll do you good.”

“Thanks.”

Good, now he couldn’t even look him in the eye. He sipped some of the water. Slowly. His body was burning so much the water felt like ice in his mouth, down his throat. It helped with the nausea. A bit. He wanted to remember now. _I slept with Haise._

‘Whore.’

_I slept with Haise. I craved it for months and now it happened I don’t remember._

‘Whore.’

_Yeah, I got it. You can stop now._

When Haise came back to bed to roll up by his side, it almost seemed like a normal thing to do. As if Tousei wasn’t cheating on his fiancé right now. He felt bad. Arima was trying so hard to make things right, he even asked him in marriage! And him, here he was, sleeping with another man! _I’m so disgusting._

“Tousei…” The back of Haise’s fingers were nervously stroking his cheek.

“I’m so sorry!” Tousei almost yelled “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“Sssh… Don’t apologize to me.”

“But, Haise, I…”

“You did nothing wrong, Tousei” the half-ghoul cut him “I’m the one who couldn’t keep my promise.”

The words hit Tousei like a bomb. _What promise?_ He tried to think, to remember their previous conversations but nothing seemed to match Haise’s speech. What was he talking about? Did Tousei even know? Or did he choose to forget that too?

“I’m sorry, Haise. I don’t know what you’re talking about. My head is still foggy.”

“It’s fine” His smile was so sad “I promised Arima-san I’d take care of you but I guess I messed that up.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m messing things up, not committing to our relationship and being attracted to someone else…”

_And the pills, don’t forget the pills, Tousei!_

“Tousei…” Haise’s hand gently came to grab his “I-I don’t think Arima-san would see that as betrayal from your part.”

“But it is, betrayal…”

“Tousei!” Haise’s hand was now squeezing hard “You don’t get it! Kishou is…”

 _Kishou?_ He suddenly stopped. His face was all blushed and his hands almost crushing Tousei’s fingers by now. _Did he say Kishou?_

“Kishou is…” Haise looked away “He never said it, not really, but I know… I know!... Kishou is… in love with us!”

_Eh?_

 

Haise’s voice felt very distant all of sudden. How it happened the first time, the sparring session going wrong, Arima trapped between his guilt and his desire to get close to Haise. _It can’t be…_ Haise’s embarrassed voice when he confessed he loved them both too. _I thought I was the only one, dealing with such things within my head._ He was mad at them, oh so mad at them. He had struggled and struggled and struggled and them, behind his back, they were just…

‘You’re worthless scum.’

He cried. So much. Tears rolled down his cheeks, he could barely breathe. All this time, he had struggled when they were… fully giving in to it.

‘They don’t need you. They don’t love you.’

He wanted to hurt, destroy, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt! If only he could make them suffer, right here, right now and die in the process! Haise was still talking but he wasn’t listening. How could he listen now? He was so alone. They had put him aside. When he was just trying.

“Tousei, please! It’s okay to hate me, you can hate me all you want. But please, don’t hate Kishou. He loves you. So much. He wants to marry you!”

“Why?” he finally spoke “Why me, if he also loves you?”

_Why me if he was secretly having intimacy with you? Why me, who doesn’t even believe in marriage? Why not you, who are so pure and innocent and kind and good at everything?_

“He wants to give you a name, his name. So you can finally be free. Like he did with me. He called me Haise. He’ll call you Arima Tousei.”

“Wh-what?” Tousei wasn’t sure he was completely getting it.

“Tousei, your name… he’ll change it, for you. You won’t be a Kishimoto anymore.”

“I won’t be… a Kishimoto… anymore?”

“And you won’t have to be.”

“No!”

It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t be. The way out couldn’t be that easy. The way out couldn’t be that joyful and happy. _Father… it can’t be!_

‘No it isn’t.’

_I’m still in a dream, am I not?_

‘Kishou is going to die.’

_I’ll find a way out._

‘There’s indeed a way out, Tousei. Just no happy ending.’

_Stop it, stop it, stop it!_

‘You monsters don’t deserve a happy ending.’

 

How long he stared in blank, he couldn’t say. It felt surreal. He couldn’t even tell if he was happy or still hurting. It felt so heavy on his chest. He needed a pill. He shook his head. He needed a pill. He realized Haise’s hand was moving some bangs from his forehead, waiting in worry for him to focus back on reality. _Shit!_

“I need…” _A pill. A thousand pills._

“Tousei…” Haise’s eyes were full of tears “Please don’t take any more.”

“A cigarette…”

“Oh that.”

The half-ghoul searched Tousei’s back pocket and finally handed him the pack. Tousei thanked him before he lit one cigarette. Smoking wasn’t really helping but at least it kept his mind more or less focused on something. _I can do it, I’m strong enough, I’m brave enough._

“I’m afraid…” he finally let out “I’m so afraid…”

“Tousei…”

“But I’ll give us… the three of us… a chance…”

 

_Maybe I’m not strong enough, maybe I’m not brave enough._

_But this is Kishou’s wish, the three of us, like this._

_Kishou is dying._

_I’ll overcome this, I’ll make us happy._

_After all, I love Haise too._

He smiled.

 

_How ugly we are…_

_Monsters in love!_

He closed his eyes, inhaling the smoke deeply. In complete silence.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a genderfluid borderline person myself so it's really hard for me to write it but I'm also willing to so I'm trying my best.  
> Feel free not to like but send no hate, thank you.  
> English is not my mother tongue.


End file.
